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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
The Happy
Wife Formula
By Victoria Milillo,
Pennsylvania
Although I write about my husband and his many hilarious ways of
reacting and doing things, I do love and appreciate him. I know he loves
me, too. On Valentine's Day when I turned on the kitchen light, there on
the counter was a bouquet of flowers with a box of chocolates. My
husband usually does this every Valentine's Day. The chocolates however,
are a new addition. He must be thinking outside the box.
I say that because his gifts to me are predictable. For Christmas he has
a formula for buying my presents and he sticks to it no matter what. His
thinking must be, "If it was a hit last year, it will be a hit again
this year." He works on the "P3+J2 = Happy Wife" formula. You don't
know what that is? Well let me educate you.
The first "P" stands for perfume. Every year he gives me a new bottle
of my favorite perfume. I remember one year I asked for a bottle of
"White Shoulders" perfume and he gave me "White Diamonds". I imagined
him walking over to the perfume counter at our local department store
and telling the clerk, "It's 'White' something."
The next "P" is for pajamas. For the past few years he has gone to
Victoria's Secret for these. They're nice and I do like them, however,
this past Christmas he gave me a pair that has "Pink University" or
something like that on the shirt. I feel kind of silly seeing as how I'm
practically in my mid-forties. Hey, if he thinks I look good in them,
who am I to discourage that?
The next "P" is for panties. These, too, he buys at Victoria's Secret.
He's usually pretty good with them, but again, this year he bought some
kind of 'low-rise' style. I don't know who these are suppose to fit, but
on me, half my butt hangs out. Is that how they are supposed to look? If
so, then I guess they are fine. Amongst the five pair that he bought
were ones that had writing on the butt. I'm not a "I have writing on my
butt" kind of person. I have yet to wear these.
The first "J" is for jewelry. This is his greatest strength. He always
hits a homerun no matter if he buys me a necklace, earrings, bracelet or
ring. He should stop here and be done.
And finally the last "J" is for jeans. I know every year this is the
hardest gift for him to find. I like straight leg jeans that 'sit at the
waist'. In fact, Levi's 501 buttonfly jeans are my absolute favorites.
Do you know how hard it is to find these? One year he couldn't find them
so he went to the local Gap Store. They had what they called 'Classic
Cut' jeans. They were fine - not Levis, but good enough. The next year
he went back to The Gap to buy me another pair. The clerk helped him and
off he went. Christmas morning I opened them and saw the words "flare
leg" and "low-rise". I knew that I was in trouble. I don't like the
flare leg jeans because I feel like they flop around my ankles. As for
the 'low-rise', well, I constantly feel like I need to pull them up.
They were a disaster.
Despite his predictability, he does his very best to make me happy. And
like I said, sometimes he does venture "outside the box" and throw me
a curve. Like the chocolates. Now I'm wondering if he expects me to
share them with him, or do I have to hide them just so I can enjoy them
myself?
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