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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Bad, Bad
Boys
By Julie Kuhns, Ohio
There is just something about boys that leaves me flabbergasted. It has
to do with the fact that when I am exposed to them (in particular my
nephew and soon-to-be step son), I walk away with mixed emotions.
Usually a combination of absolute amazement, utter infuriation, and
girlish glee; complimented by a side order of disgust. My nephew and my
pseudo-step-son (until things are made official), seem to take this to a
level that surpasses the average boys. This story is no exception.
It was late spring, before school was out. My nephew had come to spend
the night with Aunt Julie. The boys had been outside for two hours when
Tom came home from work. His path to the door was blocked by the two
trolls.
“Hey, Tom,” Logan started, “do you eat rabbits?”
“Well…I have. I wouldn’t say that I eat them regularly.”
“Dad, if we kill one, would you eat it?” Shane asked.
“How do you plan to kill one?” Both boys whipped sticks, no bigger than
twigs, from behind their backs.
“Do you think that you can make these into bows and arrows?” Tom obliged
and soon the boys were stalking rabbits. Hours later, the duo came
inside empty handed. The young hunters were not discouraged. They
trekked through the living room and to the bathroom, informing me of
their new plan.
“Aunt Julie,” my nephew said, “we need you to wake us up when you get
up.”
“Logan, I get up at five thirty.”
“I know. We want to get up then, too.”
“Why so early?”
“Well, we can’t catch rabbits. We are going to hunt frog instead,” Shane
informed.
“Hunt frog? Is there such a thing?” I was quickly informed that there
was.
The next morning, I watched in utter amazement as the boys threw back
their blankets, having slept with their “weapons”, and slipped into
their shoes, still wearing their pajamas. An hour later, I heard a
commotion in the foyer. I looked into the room as they removed their
shoes and my nephew flashed a toothy grin.
They filed into the kitchen, heading to the bathroom. As they passed me,
the two held up sticks that had been speared through large frogs. My
nephew held his above his head as the dead animal slid down the stick
like a melting Popsicle until the carcass was only supported by his
outstretched hand. Meanwhile, Shane’s frog was still alive, staked
through the stomach, upside down, and wiggling.
As they turned from me and continued to the bathroom, I regained my
composure.
“Stop!” I ordered. The boys stopped, shoulders rising to my shrill
voice. Slowly, they turned to face me.
“What, exactly, do you boys think you are going to do with those in the
bathroom?” I asked with much trepidation, not really wanting the answer.
“Clean them,” Shane said. Logan looked at Shane with admiration for his
quick reaction. I swear a tear fell down his cheek.
“What do you mean clean them?” Shane’s head dropped, shaking it from
side to side, disappointed. Now, Logan took the lead, determined to back
his buddy.
“Aunt Julie, we have to take out the guts,” he said, pointing his frog
stick at me. I watched wide eyed, waiting for the body to fly and hit me
in the face.
“How do you plan to do that?”
“You cut the frog along the belly here,” he said, pointing, “Then you
scoop out all the blood and guts.”
“How are you going to cut it?”
“With one of the girl’s shavers,” Shane said.
“Then what?”
“You throw the guts in the toilet, Julie,” Shane said.
“Then what?”
“Then you let the skins dry so you can sew them together,” Logan said. I
mustered up all the adulthood I could and ushered the boys back outside
to complete their work.
I continued to get ready for the day. Pulling a shirt over my head, I
heard screams coming from the girls’ bedroom. I ran through the house
until I reached the noise. Logan and Shane were absolutely nowhere to be
found. However, they had left presents for the girls; gutted frog skins
upon their bedspreads. The girls ran from the room and out of the house
in a mad search for the happy, little tricksters. I took a seat and
watched the girls chase down their enemies. Again, the boys managed to
dupe the girls (even grown up ones) in a fashion that goes beyond
disgusting, heading for torturous.
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