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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Embrace
The Winds Of Change
By Kathleen M Wooton,
New Jersey
My husband has a passionate crush on a hybrid car he test-drove on his
birthday. The engine and battery are bright and shiny (and thus
inherently sexy), and the car scores a staggeringly high coolness
quotient with him and his buddies. He has tried to tell me he likes the
car for it’s environmentally-friendly design. He swears that electrical
energy is the automobile fuel of the future. Of course, his arguments
just don’t ring true. This is the grown-up equivalent of the toy cars he
coveted as a child, and he will just DIE if he is denied his toy.
My husband’s love for his alternative-fuel-mobile did get me thinking.
Why, in an era when oil supplies are dwindling and fuel prices are
rising, is the auto industry ignoring the most obvious source of
renewable energy - natural gas? Mind you, I am not talking about the
natural gas that heats our homes, that will eventually run out. The fuel
I am suggesting is that vast untapped resource that lives within each
and every one of us -- poot power.
Lest you be confused about what I mean by poot power, in less polite and
decidedly more colorful circles, it is known as "the silent but
deadly", "cutting the cheese", "lettin' 'er rip", "cutting the
mustard", "tooting one's horn" or, farting. Yes, I said it. FART!
Sometimes, you have to be crude to be kind. Kind to the American
economy, and our beloved Mother Earth. But I digress.
Before passing your nose up at this plan, think about it - it could
work. Imagine the nation’s energy needs being met by simply harnessing
the silent but deadlies that we all possess. Take cars for example.
Picture the car’s seat cushions as natural gas reservoirs. Farts trapped
in the cushions could be sucked into the gas tank directly - voila’ -
cheap, plentiful gas. Eat a diet rich in beans and fiber, and your tank
can be full 24/7. Just be careful not to light a match while driving, or
you’ll instantly become the first motorist in space.
And think of how often you’ve “held it in”, in the interest of good
manners and civility. Now you have the freedom to just let it rip,
knowing you’re making an important contribution to the nation’s natural
gas supply. With a few adjustments to a home or business’ central
heating and cooling systems, fart harvesting could allow the most
economical fuel production method ever. We’re sitting on a gold mine
here, people, which could break our dependence on foreign fuel forever.
Now, how to get this effort started. You know how farmers get incentives
for growing certain crops? I say, offer a financial incentive for eating
beans and other fart-smart foods. A few well-placed chili dogs could
have us steeped in the sweet smell of fuel-efficient success.
C’mon, my fellow Americans, we have a HUGE untapped source of naturally
renewable energy that is just blowing in the wind. Well, I say we should
all “Give a Hoot and Pass a Poot”. Break the strangle hold of
environmentally unfriendly and politically charged foreign oil. Embrace
the winds of change and PASS GAS FOR AMERICA! We can all do this if we
try. Now, make my chili dog a double!
http://www.savvy-women-magazine.com/Humor/humor-column.html
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