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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Bifocals,
Menopause, Death
By
Victoria Milillo, Pennsylvania
Today I received a reminder that I am due for an eye exam. I have
been dreading this moment. At my last eye exam, I somehow managed to
squeak by without needing bifocals. However, this time, I have a feeling
that I won’t be so lucky.
It’s not that I have a problem wearing bifocals. It’s just another stage
of being middle-aged. All I need to complete the look of the ‘classic
middle-aged woman’ is a chain so I could wear them around my neck. What
really worries me, is that there aren’t too many life-stages left for
me. I realized that, once I get bifocals, the remaining major life
events are menopause and death.
Once I get bifocals, the “Big M” looms before me. I wouldn’t mind
delaying that for as long as possible. I’ve heard far too many stories
from menopausal women, and what I heard, wasn’t pleasant.
The stories couldn’t all be true. Could they? Hoping to ease my mind, I
did a quick search on Web MD and found a list of symptoms associated
with menopause. I should have known better than to search Web MD!
Whenever I do a search there, I always leave the site with the feeling
that life, as I know it, is over, even if it is a common cold that ails
me. This search was no different. A short list of symptoms includes such
things as: facial hair, hot flashes, cold flashes, mood swings, bladder
control problems, and insomnia.
Facial hair! You’ve got to be kidding me. Does that mean that I’ll need
to stand at the bathroom mirror and shave my face every morning? That
will add an additional ten minutes to my morning routine. What if I cut
myself? Will I need to walk around with little pieces of toilet paper on
my face?
And what can you do about hot and cold flashes? I’ve seen women carrying
around those mini-fans for when a hot flash hits. To me, carrying one of
those, when you’re not on the beach, is just a red flag telling the
world “I’M HAVING A HOT FLASH”. I don’t think that I would carry one.
But, then again, who knows? Maybe I’ll need it and won’t care. Cold
flashes should be fairly easy to deal with. I’ll just put on a sweater
even if it is one hundred degrees in the shade.
As for mood swings, I think I should be able to deal with them fairly
easily. Of course, if I become a raving lunatic, I think people will
notice. In that case, I’m sure there is a nice padded cell somewhere
especially for “menopause-related” personality disorders. Perhaps I
should reserve one now.
Bladder control problems? I panicked when I read this one. Should I
start paying closer attention to those Depends commercials? Is that why
they always depict women? Do you carry a ‘spare’, just in case? Will I
need a diaper bag equipped with extra Depends and a change of clothes?
Why didn’t I hear about this before now?
And finally, insomnia. For some reason, that doesn’t bother me. When it
hits, well, I figure I’ll get more things done. I‘ll plan household
chores. This symptom might actually be beneficial. I imagine finally
having all the laundry washed and folded, and my kitchen floor will be
spotless.
After going through the mine-field that is menopause, death would be the
only major stage left. To think that I am this close to death, makes me
uneasy, to say the least.
So, I was thinking. If I put off going to the eye doctor, maybe I can
also delay the onset of the remaining stages. They can’t happen until I
get bifocals -- right? What do you mean there are a lot of menopausal
women who don’t wear bifocals? Great! So much for Plan A! Excuse me
while I contact Web MD to ask how they missed passing on that little
tidbit of knowledge. I guess I’ll call my eye doctor and make that
appointment. Bifocals here I come!
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