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Countdown To Departure

By Joanne Palmer, Colorado

9:00 p.m. I’m caulking the bathtub. I’m caulking the bathtub because I’m leaving on a trip. I’m caulking the bathtub because if the plane goes down I will not have to worry about friends coming over and commenting, “She should have caulked the bathtub.”

10:00 p.m. Caulking the bathtub, continued. The helpful hardware man said it was easy. He said something about a bead of caulk, wetting your finger and running it around the rim.

10:30 p.m. Dig wet caulk out of bathtub.

Did I mention I’m leaving on a trip? The alarm is going off at 4:00 a.m. and the taxi is picking me up at 5:00 a.m.

10:35 p.m. Caulking continued. Why didn’t I take notes when the helpful hardware man was talking?

10:37 p.m. Fling caulk gun across bathroom.

10:45 p.m. Bake banana bread. I am baking banana bread because I am leaving on a trip. I am baking banana bread because if the plane goes down my friends will come over and need something to eat. I do not want them to open the freezer and see 17 black bananas in there waiting for me to find time to make banana bread.

10:48 p.m. Clean refrigerator and freezer. Throw out expired veggie burgers and all things organic purchased when I intended to start my health kick. Finish off chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

11:00 p.m. Pay bills. I’m paying bills because I’m going on a trip. I am paying bills because if the plane goes down and my friends come over they will not be alarmed I forgot to pay my Visa bill.

11:30 p.m. Clean caulk from carpet. The helpful hardware man forgot to mention if caulk gets on the carpet it is very difficult to get out. Light beige bathroom carpet is a very, very bad idea. Rubbing caulk on a light beige carpet leaves a very, very, very dark stain.

12:01 a.m. Realize shoes I planned to wear are at shoe repair shop being repaired.

12:03 a.m. Cry.

1 a.m. Create a living will in three easy steps at an online living will site. If the plane goes down and I am in a vegetative state and my friends come over they will know what to do with me. Put me in the bathtub.

2 a.m. Finish caulking bathtub. The line of white caulk is straight in places and lumpy in others but it is drying beautifully. Six loaves of banana bread are cooling on clean countertops. My suitcase is packed and I have found another pair of shoes to wear.

2:15 a.m. Set alarm and go to bed.

2:30 a.m. I forgot to shave my legs. I have to shave my legs because I am going on a trip. If the plane goes down I do not want to die with hairy legs.

2:32 a.m. I am standing at the bathroom sink shaving my legs. I can’t take a shower or a bath because the caulk has to dry.

2:35 a.m. I am sitting on the kitchen floor eating banana bread. Why not? This could be my last supper.

2:40 a.m. Where is my clean underwear? I think I forgot to pack it. I have to have clean underwear because, well, you know why.

2:41 a.m. Sleep.

2:42 a.m. What is alarm is set for 4 p.m. instead of 4 a.m.? Double check.

4:00 a.m. Alarm goes off.

4:15 a.m. Jump out of bed and get dressed, tripping over dog.

4:17 a.m. Pluck stray chin hairs.

4:53 a.m. Taxi arrives early.

4:55 a.m. Stumble out the door and into taxi.

4:57 a.m. Did I unplug the coffee pot?

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