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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
Operation
Artificial Cleanliness
By Mary Fagan,
New York
"The dust kittens in my house are so big I’m fitting them for collars.
I’ve considered a spay/neuter program for them, but unfortunately it
requires regular use of long-handled tools with suction -- quite a chore.
I deal with such matters an emergency basis.
Every housekeeper, male or female, has great respect for emergency
responders. We can relate. For example, responding to the call that
someone is coming over and you have only a few minutes to hide the
tell-tale signs of everyday life -- mounds of mail with no place to go,
tidbits of proof that you really do eat at home sometimes, clothing in
various stages of suitability for wear, and those pesky dust kittens.
It takes specialized training to respond to this “situation.” I have
developed a four-point technique an army of one can easily put into
action. All it takes is 10 minutes, a catch-all location, a pungent
household cleanser (I like Murphy’s Oil Soap) and five cleaning wipes.
First, identify and prepare your triage area. This will become your
guest confinement room. “Confinement room” is a special ops term -- your
guests are not supposed to know they are being confined. This requires
some effort on your part, but it can be done. Serving snacks only inside
the confinement room is helpful in this regard.
Step two is the rapid collection of all junk and its deployment into the
large catch-all location that you have previously identified. This can be
a closet, but some have gotten creative and purchased large trunks or
baskets for this purpose. I have one in each room. Junk items include,
but are not limited to, newspapers, magazines, plates, mail, grooming
tools, videos, wrappers, plates, cups, slippers, worn clothing and any
other items obscuring otherwise good seating space.
Now, dip your
fingers into the pungent household cleanser and dab it under your chairs
and in the four corners of the room. Thank God that stuff is good for
wood and a great camouflage for clean. (I don’t think they
advertise that second point.)
Next, eyeball the open floor from a seated position, sweeping from side
to side for five seconds to identify the visible crumbs, pretzel bits,
lint balls (a.k.a. dust kittens), Hershey kiss foils, or beer caps in
plain sight. Now, stand and gather them up. You have two disposal
options -- either the catch-all or the garbage can, which will hopefully
be their final resting place sometime soon anyway. If there is time, a
quick vacuum around the open areas is nice insurance, but optional as
long as you have performed the eyeball-4-evacuation procedure described
above.
Last is attacking the bathroom, as your guest may have to use it.
Cleaning wipes are essential. Quickly remove five from the dispenser.
Run one around the back of the toilet and the bowl, one over the sink
and faucet, two wadded together make a quick once around the floor, and
the last one hits the mirror. Toss them into the garbage can, making sure
they are unfolded so that they cover up the garbage actually in the can.
Hint -- using scented wipes leaves behind a bleachy-lemon or orange smell
to mask any odors that might be present naturally, if you catch my
drift.
So much in life is about perception, hence the success of my four-point
program. I do offer a word of caution: This maneuver is for emergencies
only. It is not intended as a substitute for real clean, but as an
effective tool in your housekeeping arsenal should a “situation” arise.
I am in the process of detailing the work required for a real
housecleaning, but I am having trouble finishing the research. People
keep calling to come over and visit.
http://www.motherwise.us
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