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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
Sassy
Seniors Apply Within
By Judy La Salle,
California
"I’ve decided to open a restaurant. It will be a take-off on those neon
eateries with their fleshy, nubile young servers whose real mission is
to whet your appetite for more than what’s on the menu. My waiters and
waitresses won’t be anything like those full-bodied babies. Instead, the
servers at my place will all be senior citizens, which is why I plan to
call the place “Cooters.”
Our mature employees won’t flirt with the customers. In fact, if you
step out of line or forget to say “please” and “thank you,” you may not
get dessert until you apologize and clean your plate. If you behave,
though, they’ll shower you with advice about why you should order the
spinach or marry the right person. They will also call you “Honey” and
“Sweetie,” but it sure won’t be a come-on.
Only certain seniors will do for my place, and they will not tolerate
tasteless behavior from customers. I want oldsters with attitude. They
have to be able to dish out more than the entree, and deliver it in
short order. I’m looking for gray hair, dental implants, bifocals and
lots of lip. Eating at Cooters will be like going to Grandma’s when
she’s in a mood. She may make the best biscuits in town, but she can be
downright ornery and her switch is always within reach!
It’s time elders were proud of who and what we are, so we’ll sell
T-shirts that say, “Old Coots Are A Hoot!” We won’t wear short shorts or
flaunt cleavage, but no one will miss it. Not that we couldn’t, mind
you, but insurance is expensive, so there’s no sense in risking
customers choking on their pot roast.
No, we’ll be fully clothed in something comfortable that doesn’t require
anti-gravity underwear or starch. We may occasionally sport ducktail
haircuts or bobby socks and poodle skirts, depending upon our mood du
jour, and the first customer who pokes fun at our get-ups will find
himself in the middle of the dining room, doing the twist with Great
Aunt Gidget as punishment.
Every place has a theme and Cooters’ will be seniority. Seniors got here
first, so we have dibs. We’ll say what we think, and those who are too
thin-skinned to take it had better go to those other places -– the ones
where the food is not the main attraction.
I suppose, all things considered, it’s entirely possible that the food
won’t be the main attraction at Cooters, either.
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