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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
Why Old
Chop Preferred Ice Cream to Steak
By Gary McDonald,
Missouri
Chopley Splinters was an odd dude. He was the only neighbor living
northwest of our shack up at the headwaters of the Miscanimba River
which flows out of the Appalachian Mountains. His wood cabin was at
least a mile up the side of a mountain. There’s no road just tall
grass, wild flowers, and lots of oaks, hickories, and maples. He was
somewhat of a recluse as we only saw him around the Thanksgiving
Holiday. It might have had something to do with the fact he only had
one leg.
“Lost it in the war.”
“Which war Chop?”
“War between the states.”
“You’re not that old.”
“The war between the state of confusion and the state of passion.”
Mom wouldn’t let him tell the rest. It’s rumored part of his leg is
pickled in a jar and sitting on the fireplace mantle inside the Wild
Nest tavern over in Kumquat County where Jeb Winkley is waiting to shoot
him on sight.
Well on this one particular holiday Old Chop, as us kids called him,
hobbled down off his mountain perch with a wild turkey in tow. I swear
that bird was a good 5 feet in length. It was so long Mom couldn’t get
it in her cooking pot. She cut it in two giving half to Big Blu, our
hunting beagle, because she only had the one good pot.
Well as luck would have it Big Blu ate his half and as Mom was cutting
up the yams and fixing sour dough corn bread he teamed up with Chiwawa
our pet squirrel and the two of them came in behind her, grabbed the
other half and took off into the woods. So there we were without a
turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Things were looking pretty glum when Old
Chop came up with an idea which led to another idea.
“I know a place,” he said, “Where you can get the biggest steaks you
ever saw. Only thing is I don’t have a car and can’t walk to get
there.” Well we didn’t have a car either and besides all stores are
closed on Thanksgiving.
“But we do have some ice cream,” said Mom.
We had a small freezer on the back porch that held some odds and ends
including ice cream. So on this particular Thanksgiving Day we had a
variety of vegetables, soups, and sour dough corn bread, with Neapolitan
ice cream for dessert.
“Know why I prefer ice cream over steak?” Asked Old Chop trying to put
a positive spin on the situation. “It’s because I like sugar.”
Well that’s probably a universal statement, everybody likes sweets.
“Let me explain,” he rumbled on. This all took place while we were
eating so he had our full attention.
“If I eat meat then it just sits on my stomach and rumbles around slow
to digest. And tends to produce intestinal gas.” Mom frowned at that
and motioned him to stop the story right where he was.
He just looked at us kids and winked with his good eye, the other had
been replaced by an odd sized glass eye he’d found at the Goodwill.
“Sugar however gives a spurt of energy then settles fast into the fat
cells. That way there’s no digestion problem.”
“We love sugar,” I said.
“In addition, it has absolutely no nutritional value. And the sugar
industry is subsidized by the American government so it’s on welfare
like the rest of us.”
We kids all cheered feeling kind of a special kinship developing between
our story teller, the sugar industry and us.
“Where else can you get fast digestion, quick energy, zero nutrition,
and expanding fat cells? And feeding out of the public trough to boot?”
I looked around the room and darned if I could see a fat cell anywhere.
I wasn’t sure where he was going with his story but felt the urge to
have more Neapolitan.
“Besides,” said Old Chop. “When you’re done you don’t have to pick the
leftovers out of your teeth.”
I had to admit the old boy had a few favorable points. Truth is when
you’re eight years old and short of a turkey on Thanksgiving Day and
have to settle for ice cream instead– you’re one lucky dude.
http://www.funnyboneonline.wetpaint.com
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