| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
The Snake
Boy of Alligator Lake
By Gary McDonald,
Missouri
This story goes
way back. Back before Clive got nose reduction surgery because his
honker was so large. Back before Cloey went to a plastic surgeon to have
her acne sanded down. Even before Cletus enlisted in the Salvation Army
after they busted him for stealing from the bell ringer’s pot. This
story goes back to more black and white days when pleasures were simple.
My name’s
Clifford, shortened to Cliffy, and my story is an episode in the soap
opera life of our family, the Van Rectus clan, when we lived in Klutch
Holler between Oberda Hill and Underda Hill. We lived in the prettiest
part of the state where all the rolling hills are covered with beautiful
green grass; in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. Clive and
Cletus are my two older brothers and Cloey is our older half sister. Our
daddy Big Jim grew walnut trees as a cash crop. We didn’t have a mama as
she ran off with Big Jim’s brother Uncle Oscar the wiener salesman. Big
Jim said he was full of bologna and other colorful phrases but I really
don’t want to talk about it.
When I was eight
years old Clive and Cletus decided I needed to be initiated into the
secret order of the Black Knights. The Black Knights was actually a gang
of sorts made up of Clive, Cletus, and Cloey. Its purpose was to raid
eggs and other food stuffs from our neighbors. The gang formed right
after Big Jim learned that it would take seventy years for his field of
walnut trees to mature.
The initiation,
according to Clive and Cletus, would turn me into a full fledged member
of the Black Knights. My rank would be private first class. Once a
member I could pull my weight by helping to bring in food for the
family. They assured me it wasn’t stealing. Not when you’re hungry and
all you want is survival.
“The initiation
is simple. All you have to do,” said Clive, “is swim Alligator Lake.”
Alligator Lake
was located over on Dobb Planters’ hog farm. All the kids avoided the
lake because of the alligators so nobody had ever swum it. Oh yeah,
there are two other elements that may have been a factor. One was the
radioactive sludge dump located uphill which drained into the lake. The
sludge came from a uranium plant in the area. The second was the hogs
themselves. But I digress.
“Now the gator
is a wiley creature,” said Cletus. Clive agreed. “They lay low in the
water lookin like logs and when you least expect it –Bam—they grab you.”
The original
plan was to swim it at night but Cloey intervened. “He’ll never make it
in the dark.” The boys didn’t want to change the time but when Cloey
threatened to expose their marijuana operation they did.
It was the
hottest day of the summer and I was looking forward to getting wet. I
wasn’t afraid of any stupid alligators. The water looked thick and brown
like wet mud and smelled something awful. When I went in the slime oozed
between my toes and tickled.
I quickly
learned the lake was actually a pond about four feet deep. The alligator
was a tree limb that had been lying in the middle of the pond since who
knows when. Once those discoveries were made I swam that thing like
Tarzan – with confidence. When I got to the alligator tree limb, I
jumped up on it. As fate would have it, a big water moccasin with two
heads came swimming by with a two headed pig. I’d never seen a two
headed snake before so I went in after it. That snake could really swim
fast but I caught him as he charged at me. I grabbed that thing right
behind both his heads and came wading into shore with it. I spent the
rest of the day chasing Clive and Cletus with that big weird looking
snake. At days’ end, the snake was turned over to Dobb’s hogs. The two
headed pig eat him and I became a private first class in the secret
order of the Black Knights. To this day in Klutch Holler I’m known as
Cliffy the snake boy of Alligator Lake.
.
|
