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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
Back to
Cruel?
By Joel Schwartzberg,
New Jersey
The night
before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life.
I’d lie awake wondering about my locker location, what my teachers would
be like, who I’d share a lunch table with, and whether my ""trapper
keeper"" was still in style or as antiquated as the parachute pants I
bought months after they went out of style. Though I’d fall asleep
around three in the morning, adrenaline – and soda and candy from the
vending machines – kept me on edge the entire next day.
When my son started first grade a year ago, he had no such anxiety.
That’s natural for a first-grader. We all know intense peer pressure and
social stigmatizing doesn’t start these days until you’re eight. But I
had enough anxiety for the both of us. I think I was up the night before
wondering about his cubby location, what his teacher would be like, who
he’d be comparing lunchboxes with, and which was cooler: laces or
Velcro. When I did my first stint as class parent, I instinctively
checked to make sure I wasn’t wearing last season’s khakis.
Parents naturally desire to be flies on the school wall, to watch and
observe everything going on in the world of our kids, and to steer them
toward the right decisions. In more narcissistic moments, we want our
children to volunteer the correct answers, to model perfect courtesy,
and to demonstrate all the patience and poise that we didn’t display
ourselves when we were in grade school. This is why teachers eventually
shoo us away after the bell rings, or in some cases get restraining
orders.
Whether anxious or not, all kids need help transitioning from summer
vacation to school time. The hardest part is getting them up so
viciously early. It was easy enough in July when you were planning a
trip to the beach, but saying ""You don’t want to be late for school, do
you?"" doesn’t seem to have the same persuasive power.
It’s especially hard for young children to grasp the new concept of
homework. Don’t push them too hard. Remember that their homework is not
that different from work grownups do after hours. They don’t like it any
more than you do. And they don’t even get to drink beer on the commute
home. The best you can do is empathize: ""Gee, that’s a lot of homework.
See you next Thursday.""
It’s not just kids and parents who have to adapt to a new season. An
entire town changes when its school-age population goes back into the
system. Between the hours of 8 am and 3 pm, the town is reclaimed by
roaming gangs of mommies and babies. Local employees are suddenly
generations older, and babysitters are scarce thanks to cheerleading
try-outs, theater rehearsals, sports and band practice, and intense
periods of hanging out. Streets near schools are congested with
obnoxious double and triple-parkers, and our community’s most precious
resources – teachers – are sent back to the front after months of
much-needed time off. They’ve been gradually reintroducing massive
amounts of coffee into their bodies since late July just to get ready.
But now’s not the time to be swimming in anxiety or transferring it onto
your kids. Now’s the time to prepare your back-to-school battle plan and
triple-check the most crucial school supplies: Newest iPod downloads?
Check. Uncomfortable but fashionable shoes? Check. Minimum number of
cheap things to hang on backpack? Check. Latest Power Ranger lunchboxes?
Check. Expensive jeans torn in all the right places? Check. Parents who
know just where, when, and how to unwittingly embarrass their kids in
front of new friends? Check. And then there’s that paper and pencil
thing. Whatever.
If and when my son has trouble getting to sleep the night before school,
I won’t beg him to sleep; I’ll just tell him not to worry. No matter
what happens or how prepared you are, the day will eventually pass and
make way for a new one, a tiny step in a very long learning journey for
us all. Bring tissues.
http://www.jesttokill.com
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