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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
I DON'T
Share Chocolate!
By Victoria Milillo,
Pennsylvania
“Can I
have some?” This pathetic request came from my husband whenever he
caught me eating chocolate. I always hesitated a moment, then
reluctantly gave in, rolling my eyes as I forked over a piece or two.
It’s not that I’m a greedy person. I can be quite giving and generous -
honest. However, this is CHOCOLATE that we’re talking about! It’s not
potato chips or Cheez-its for crying out loud, but CHOCOLATE!
You see, I
consider chocolate my personal reward for doing the grocery shopping. A
chore that my husband absolutely hates! I’m the one who: makes the list,
roams the aisles of the supermarket, loads the car, unpacks it, and then
puts everything away. Yes, I deserve it!
Besides, after fourteen years of marriage, you would think he would know
by now, chocolate is my first love. I’ve known the joy of chocolate long
before I knew him. Whether it’s filled with almonds, raisins, peanuts,
crispies, crunchies, or plain, chocolate has always been there for me.
Through good times and bad, I could always count on the sweet, creamy
goodness to help me forget my problems, if only while eating it. I find
escape with the initial crinkling of the paper as I unwrapped it, to the
aroma of its enticing chocolate scent, to the creamy texture as it
melted in my mouth. Chocolate and I are friends from way back. I keep it
to myself - for myself. I DON'T share chocolate!
To avoid further chocolate-related tension with my husband, something
had to be done. I realized I needed to be sneaky if I wanted to have
chocolate to myself. I had no choice but to go underground with my
chocolate eating. I pondered several methods to outsmart him.
First, I decided to have a secret stash of chocolate. I would horde it!
I squirreled it away in various places throughout my home. That plan
didn’t work. No matter where I hid it, he found it. And, believe me,
I’ve hidden it just about everywhere! Hiding places included: under the
bed, in closets, cupboards, drawers and even in the bathroom! Each time
he was able to find, and plunder it. For a while I thought he had the
tracking abilities of a blood hound. Countless times I went to one of my
hiding places only to find a measly two or three pieces of candy left at
the bottom of the bag. Two or three pieces! Give me a break! That’s just
a tease! It’s not a treat if you only have two or three pieces to eat! I
knew the location had been compromised, and it was time to find a new
one. Something else had to be done!
Next, I began buying chocolate he disliked. I thought, wrongly, I would
have it all to myself. But that didn’t work either, since he ate it
anyway! ""Some chocolate is better than no chocolate,"" he would say. A
sentiment I could agree with.
In desperation, I tried eating it in the middle of the night, while he
slept beside me. But, the blood hound senses kicked-in again, and with
the first crinkle of the wrapper, he was wide awake with his hand open.
Finally, I came up with the idea of buying “bait” chocolate. This would
be “alternate” chocolate that I would hide where I knew he would find
it. (“Alternate” chocolate being seasonal candy, such as Santas,
Halloween candy, Easter bunnies, or chocolate that I previously craved,
but was now over it.) This would be his chocolate.
Meanwhile, Phase II of my evil plot involved keeping the “good”
chocolate hidden in another spot - my underwear drawer! This was THE one
spot he wouldn’t dare look in, even if he suspected it was there. As
every man knows, a woman’s underwear drawer is “off limits”. He was no
different! Finally, my chocolate would be safe!
To this day, my husband knows “good” chocolate is hidden somewhere in
our home. But, as to where it is, he can only guess. One day I caught
him looking wistfully at the candywrappers I had thrown away. I smirked
knowing I finally outsmarted him!
As for me, I peacefully enjoy my stash of chocolate - all by myself! I’m
wondering - when do you think it will finally dawn on him to go to the
supermarket to buy his own chocolate?
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