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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Toilet
Training Tips Straight From The Potty Mouth
By Karrie McAllister,
Ohio
Attention!
Whether you are a first-time parent who will face the intimidating task
of potty training in the next few years or someone who is suffering
through it right now, fear not, fellow moms and dads!
Today I am offering the knowledge that I have gained from potty training
two kids of my own, all free of charge! And this is yours to clip, hang
next to the toilet and keep for reference on all those frustrating days
when you squat in the bathroom with your child chanting ""just try
again"" over and over until you yourself have to use the facilities.
Before considering taking the plunge into potty training, you should
first go to the store and stock up. Here’s what to put on your list:
Underwear (with idolized cartoon characters), laundry soap (to wash the
cartoon characters), and training diapers (to turn to when you’re tired
of doing laundry.) A helpful tip would be to purchase undies and
training diapers in all styles and brands because you never know what
Jr. will feel like wearing one day, and Batman vs. Camouflage might be
the difference between success and even more laundry.
You might notice I didn’t recommend buying bribery items for the little
one. This method, while it has been used many times, often results in
large collections of little toys. Consider the mother who offered a
train for each successful trip to the restroom. I think she had to get a
job to pay for them all—and a second job to pay for the addition on her
house to store them all.
Instead of material bribery, I like to use a method I like to call “all
by yourself.” While this technique might not be approved by the American
Association of Pediatrics, I find it works well not only for potty
training, but also in learning valuable skills around the house.
To employ the “all by yourself” method, simply introduce your child to
such items as the washer and dryer, mop and bucket, scrub brush, etc,
and demonstrate how really un-fun it is to use these tools. Explain to
the child that if he or she does not use the bathroom “all by yourself”
he or she will be having to do the laundry and mop the floor “all by
yourself.” Works wonders once you get over the guilt of seeing a
two-year old hauling a bucket of PineSol around…
Understand, though, to completely toilet-train your child it may take
many weeks. There will be plenty of times when you will think that
changing a few diapers a day would be much easier, but like the corn he
ate for dinner last night, this too shall pass. During the
transformation into a “big girl” or “big boy,” you will find yourself
going through a little change of your own.
And to make the traits less shocking, I will share two of the
characteristics you will somehow inherit, despite your best efforts to
avoid them.
1. Be prepared to drop everything at the first mention of “potty.” Or
sometimes your child will just pause and get a worried look on his or
her face, and you will start running. You will find yourself dropping
whatever you are doing, whether it is carrying a large stack of dishes
or performing brain surgery. Whatever it is, it can wait until after the
mad dash to the bathroom.
2. Be prepared to be a real potty mouth. You will find that you will
never in your life say cutsie names for body parts and their subsequent
functions so many times in one day. And you’ll say them without
flinching, despite the goofy looks you’ll get when saying them in
public.
But don’t feel badly about the pile of dropped dishes or the potty mouth
you’ve become. We all do it. It’s just one more thing that bonds us
parents of young children, past or present, together in an unbreakable
bond of tiredness and understanding.
We’ve all done our time waiting in the bathroom for our children to
understand that toilet paper is more than just a fun toy to tear apart
into thousands of pieces. Eventually, no matter what method you choose,
it will happen. So don’t get too comfortable sitting by the sink,
because soon enough your child will be potty trained and you can pass
these words of wee-wee wisdom onto someone else.
www.KarrieMcAllister.com
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