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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Driven To
Distraction
By Margaret Howlett,
California
Many of you who
are parents out there probably remember your toddler sitting happily in
the car seat with a toy steering wheel, pretending to drive like Mommy
or Daddy: turning the wheel very seriously, beeping the pretend horn,
maybe even sticking a chubby little hand out to signal when you turned a
corner. You probably chuckled to yourself, thinking it was just the
cutest thing you ever saw.
Now, fast-forward fifteen years. We’re not pretending any more. We’re
not the ones behind the wheel. The being in charge of 2000 pounds or so
of metal that is hurtling down the freeway has a pierced navel, is
listening to Limp Bizkit in your CD player at a deafening level, and
knows more about driving than anyone else on the road. Yes, you’re the
parent of a new driver.
The California Department of Motor Vehicles Driver’s handbook
optimistically entitled “Teaching your Teen to Drive” states “you should
be in a position where you can regain control of the vehicle if
necessary.” Exactly how do they think that’s possible? I can’t even
regain control of the radio buttons, much less the car. Believe me,
there is only one safe position in a car with a fifteen-year-old: you in
the driver’s seat with the fifteen-year-old strapped into a teen-size
car seat where they can’t reach the radio.
As parents, we’re constantly teaching, or trying to teach, our children
new skills. Sometimes it’s just a matter of letting them try over and
over until they get it right, for instance learning to walk or eating
with a spoon. Obviously, this is not an option when learning to drive,
unless you don’t like your kid much. Thank heaven, parents don’t have to
do all the teaching. There are written courses aspiring drivers have to
take, and required behind-the-wheel practice with professional driving
instructors. These are people who have nerves of steel, and more
importantly, have their own steering wheel and brake on their side of
the car. They actually have some sort of chance at “regaining control of
the vehicle”. What I want to know is where were these training
professionals at potty training time, or when the kid learned how to
ride a bike? Someone is missing out on a major business opportunity
here.
Perhaps the most aggravating aspect of being the parent of a fledgling
driver is Setting An Example. It’s impossible to relax. You’re on the
hot seat all the time. Just try accelerating slightly on a yellow light,
not coming to a complete stop on a right turn, or pulling out into
traffic without signaling first (and we’ve all done these things, admit
it), and the Furies of The Right Way to Drive will descend upon you. No
one is more self- righteous than someone who has just learned how to
drive, except perhaps someone who has quit smoking. Your child will be
amazed that you made it this far through life without a fatal crash.
Of course there is the upside to all this (and this is a biggie) – not
having to play taxi 24/7. It is so great having someone else to carry
the driving load. I bought my daughter a car, so now I’ve really got
her. It’s going to take an awful lot of times taking her brother to his
baseball games to pay back a car. She’ll probably be driving him to the
Social Security Office to pick up his checks. Personally, I think not
having to listen to Coldplay or Marilyn Manson ever again is actually
worth more than the purchase price of the vehicle.
Eventually, your child will get through the driver’s training period and
obtain her license. Now comes the most difficult part of the whole
process – watching her drive away alone in the car for the first time.
It’s much worse than the first day of school or the first haircut.
Everything has changed. Never again will you have that continual
involvement in her activities or those important conversations on the
way to school. No longer can you listen to her talk to her friends in
the car (for some reason, it never seems to occur to teenagers that you
can hear them from 25 inches away)! Just like fifteen years ago when she
learned to walk, she’s breaking away from you, exploring a new means of
independence. Once again, she doesn’t need you anymore – at least until
the car needs gas!
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