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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Survival-O's
By Christine Gauvreau,
New York
It’s coming.
Just ask the National Hurricane Center, The Department of Homeland
Security, The World Health Organization or my Grandmother. They’ll all
tell you that the “big one” is looming, that the next great catastrophe
will soon be upon us. Their advice in the wake of this inevitable doom?
Stock your pantry.
Though they’re not quite sure which disaster will be the next to strike
- or when or even if such an occurrence will happen - all the folks in
the crisis businesses seem to know at least one thing. The emergency
will last for two weeks.
That’s the amount of canned goods and bottled water we are advised to
amass – two weeks worth. Since I can barely afford one week’s worth of
regular groceries, so far I have managed to stockpile 2 cans of
spaghetti-o’s, a jar of dill pickles and a tube of Playdoh (I don’t know
if it’s nutritious, but it’s non toxic, so it will do when we’re
desperate). My stash is seriously lacking and one might suggest I have
reason to worry. But I fret not for I’m secure in the knowledge that my
family won’t starve.
We will just eat the cheerios from between the couch cushions. We could
probably survive a week on those alone. But we won’t have to. If we want
some variety, there’s another week’s worth of cheese nips in there. Not
to mention some Apple Jacks and a few kernels of microwave popcorn.
There was a time when I diligently vacuumed these little leftovers,
sucking them up from the rug, the couch, the magazine rack and my
husband’s shoes. But for each one I removed, seven more came back in its
place. And those seven were of a resilient, more intelligent generation,
making their homes in the craftiest of hiding places.
It wasn’t long before I discovered some in the bathroom closet, the
washing machine, the sock drawer and the toy chest. I tried to eliminate
them but they fought back, taking over the Weeble treehouse, the Fisher
Price barn and Dressy Bessie’s dress. They made their way to the bottom
of my purse, the toaster oven and my bra (yes, while I was wearing it –
I told you they were crafty). Eventually they made their way to the car,
my office and even showed up in the luggage on our family vacation. I
was clearly outmaneuvered and overwhelmingly outnumbered.
So I stopped vacuuming the couch. Hoping if I just let them be, they
would stop the hostile takeover. They didn’t. But I found in turn, that
when you’re too busy to stop and make lunch, a quick snack is always on
hand. Now it seems that my surrender just might save us from starvation
in the event of an emergency. Though I suppose we will need that bottled
water to wash down all the lint.
Pickles and Playdoh are sounding more and more like a gourmet delight.
http://www.pajamamommy.net
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