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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Birth
Anomalies I'd Like To Have
By
Allen Smith, Colorado
I’m a simple
person. Admittedly, it doesn’t take much to entertain me when I’ve made
up my mind to check out. A boring church service, dinner with my
in-laws: I’m gone.
While most
people ruminate over their portfolio, I’ll focus on what life would be
like if I were born with certain “beneficial” birth anomalies. I wonder
how life would change if I had “eyes in the back of my head …”
Having both eyes looking straight ahead is supposed to be one of man’s
greatest advantages over the species. However, having both eyes in front
of my head has always made it easy for class clowns to tape “kick me”
signs on my back.
Having
eyes in the back of my head would allow me to survey where I’ve been and
debate how I might have done things differently. It would cut down
significantly on speeding tickets, as the police wouldn’t be able to
sneak up on me anymore. Of course, there could be a number of
disadvantages, too.
Getting a
haircut would be a much trickier proposition. One false move with the
scissors could result in catastrophic consequences. I’d also have to
seriously modify my stride. I’d either have to constantly be looking
over my shoulder or contrive some sort of mirrored contraption to wear
around my neck while walking “forward”.
I can also see the value in “being all thumbs”. After all, having
opposing thumbs is what sets man apart from the rest of the animal
kingdom. Hitchhiking would have more possibilities: instead of the
having only two positions to choose from (forehand and backhand), 10
thumbs would present an infinite number of variations.
However, I think
being all thumbs would present more challenges than benefits. First,
there are those dexterity barriers: I’ve never had much success picking
my nose with my thumb. And imagine how difficult it would be to remove
your contact lenses with no index fingers.
I’d like to have a “grin from ear to ear.” There could be a lot of
advantages to having a mouth that hinged an additional six inches.
Getting my teeth cleaned would be a snap. I could just fold my head back
in half and relax. Of course, since my mouth would be so much wider, I’d
probably have 20 or 30 extra teeth, so it would probably cost more.
And kissing
could be risky. Anyone getting a hickey from me would be facing a life
threatening welt.
If I had my way, I’d also like to be “all ears.” If I were all ears, I’d
have a head covered with pinnas, leaving no room for eyes or a nose.
Which begs the question of how they would be distributed. Would they
flower concentrically around a logical center, or would they be layered
like shingles on a cottage roof?
Where
would I park the ends of my sunglasses? If I were all ears, I’d be able
to hear things that are currently beneath my perception, like who was it
that passed that gas in the elevator? On the negative side, just keeping
up with the Q-tips would kill me financially.
In addition to body part anomalies, I wouldn’t mind being able to
assimilate different colors: “green with envy,” “tickled pink,” or
“white as a sheet.” If I were really capable of becoming green with
envy, I’d make a fantastic Army infantryman. I’d blend naturally into
the landscape. Unless of course, I was sent to Iraq. If I were “tickled
pink,” people would always mistake me for being sunburned and smother me
with SPF 150. On the other hand, if I was “white as a sheet” I’d be
forever getting tossed in the laundry hamper.
Beyond all of these, there are a host of other anomalies that I don’t
have time to get into, like “being beside myself”, letting the “cat get
my tongue”, “having a frog in my throat” or “putting my foot in my
mouth.”
Wouldn’t life be much more interesting if we were all built completely
unique? But since I don’t have that choice, I guess I’ll have to be
content with accepting an ear on either side of my head, two eyes next
to my nose and my lowly mouth above my chin. In the end, I guess I have
to admit that my creator did a pretty good job designing me just the way
that I am.
http://www.snowwriter.com
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