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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Arnold
Levin Considers Shooting His In-Laws
By
Wayne Scheer, Georgia
Arnold Levin
contemplated the punishment for shooting his in-laws. Would it be
considered justifiable or would he get a judge that was never married
and thinks all life is precious?
Arnold and Marie made a solemn vow soon after they married to always
live at least one thousand miles from family.
The number one
thousand wasn’t arbitrary, because they both knew that anything less
than that wouldn’t preclude Marie’s family from weekend drop-ins.
It would
mean nothing for her family to hop in the old Ford and drive five
hundred miles with baked ziti casseroles, sausage, and a roasted chicken
packed in ice in the cooler in the back seat.
But a thousand miles meant flying and Marie’s mother was afraid to fly.
“God is good,” Marie said to Arnold. “In His infinite wisdom He made my
mom terrified of airplanes. This limits the number of people she can
feed.”
Now, to be fair, Arnold knew his family wasn’t much better. When he
announced to his parents that he planned on marrying Marie Taggliani,
the Levins were silent. His mother encapsulated five thousand years of
Jewish history in one question: “Tell me, does she put mayonnaise on her
hamburger?”
“You could do worse,” his father said. Which, coming from his father,
was as close to a blessing as Arnold could reasonably expect.
And things went well. After twenty-four years of marriage Arnold’s
parents warmed to Marie. When they visited his folks, his mother would
offer Marie elaborate instructions on the proper way to make chopped
liver. “You have to add wet challah and burn the onions.”
“What’s challah?” Marie had the good sense to ask Arnold privately after
the first cooking lesson.
“It’s a bread made with the highest amount of cholesterol possible,”
Arnold explained.
Arnold’s father would watch television throughout most of the visit and
when Marie would go to the den to visit with him, he’d point to a chair
and say, “Sit.” Arnold assured her this was a sign of affection.
However, Marie’s family wasn’t quite as subtle. Her family hugged. Her
father hugged, her mother hugged, her three sisters and two brothers
hugged. They hugged and they kissed. Even the men. After spending a day
with her family, Arnold would become so self-conscious he’d shave twice
a day.
But the hardest part of being with Marie’s family for Arnold was the
talk. It came in three volumes: loud, louder and louder still. From the
first shouted, “hellos,” to the final, tearful, “goodbyes,” the decibel
level remained loud enough to neuter dogs that wondered with within a
two mile radius of their home.
Visits by Arnold and Marie usually consisted of Marie’s mother cooking
and expecting everyone, especially Arnold, to eat everything on the
table -- the pastas, the sausages, the ham -- while leaving room for the
homemade cannoli.
Leaving any
morsel of food on the plate, Marie taught Arnold, was a cardinal sin,
which the Taggliani family took very seriously.
And there was Marie’s dad. A wonderful man who had spent over thirty
years of his life as a transit cop in New York City. That meant he had
stories to tell and a voice loud enough to be heard over the roar of the
trains to tell it with.
He also
had the ability to remember every inconsequential detail of his life
while simultaneously forgetting that he had told you that very same
story just ten minutes earlier.
Arnold sat at the dining room table, in the midst of a Taggliani family
reunion, stuffing his face with ravioli while Marie’s family out shouted
and out cursed one another.
Little
children ran around the table screaming and crying, as Arnold nodded his
head when Marie’s father asked if he ever told him about…and then
proceeded to tell him.
That’s when Arnold began considering the punishment for shooting the
in-laws.
But when he looked over at Marie and saw her laughing and waving her
hands while soaking up the last drop of marinara from her plate with a
huge piece of garlic bread, he put away his imaginary guns, smiled at
his wife, and said to her dad, “No, I never heard that one.”
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