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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Translation, Please
By
E. Mitchell, Illinois
Good news for
the deceitful -- if you’re a big fat liar it’s not all your fault! Let’s
face it, we’re a culture based on doubletalk and it started as far back
as the Bible, so the next time you find yourself fudging on the truth,
remember it’s a calorie-free indulgence and almost a semi-sanctioned
sin.
Sort of.
Sometimes.
When it comes to theft and murder the Good Book is clear: “steal” and
“kill” are specified in so many words as “shalt nots,” but regarding the
subject of lying, the message gets mysteriously murky.
How many kids
can decipher the phrase “bear false witness against thy neighbor” (and
how many adults for that matter)? Let’s just say there’s room for
interpretation. Divine wisdom was fully aware that no mortal could make
it safely through life without at least a few white lies thrown in for
good measure so the ninth commandment was padded for your protection.
The next time a woman asks if that thong makes her look fat or a man
wants to know if he made the earth move, just remember before answering
truthfully, the Almighty has cut you some slack (of course if you’re
answering the aforementioned questions to anyone other than your spouse
then you’re probably breaking the seventh commandment and that’s another
subject entirely.)
In addition to the ambiguity of the ninth commandment, there’s also the
issue of imagery. Somehow it seems ill advised to have positioned the
words “witness” bear” “neighbor” so closely together.
It
probably started the communication problems between the sexes that
plague us to this day.
For example, when a man says “it’s nice to meet you” to his female
“neighbor” what he usually means is “I’d like to ‘witness’ you ‘bare.’”
The Biblical influence is apparent. But such double-entendre doesn’t
stop there.
When a man
comments “you have beautiful eyes” what he really means is “in addition
to your naked eyeballs I’d like to see the rest of you bare.”
“Would you
like to have dinner with me?” of course translates into “if I give you
some food can I see you bare?” And to think the confusion all started
with the ninth commandment.
The scriptural euphemisms get even trickier when the “bare witnesses”
finally get “to know” each other. What sounds innocent enough, in
Biblical terms, is really an X-rated activity. No wonder men and women
are so confused!
But doubletalk isn’t a problem just in the religion and romance
departments. It permeates every aspect of society from business to
advertising and even the underwear industry.
Remember when a beat up jalopy was correctly identified as a “used car”?
Well now it’s a “pre-owned vehicle.” Can you imagine if such shameless
doubletalk was applied to other situations?
For example,
“I’d like you to meet my pre-dated girlfriend,” or “this is my
pre-intoxicated boyfriend.” It may sound classier than calling them a
floozy or a drunk but it’s about as subtle as a pre-exploded whoopee
cushion. Buyer Beware!
The real estate industry thrives on pseudo-speak. When a property is
described as a “doll house” it usually means anyone larger than Barbie &
Ken would have trouble fitting inside. “Unique” means ugly, “fixer
upper” means “shanty” and “cute” means small. Maybe that’s why most men
would rather be described as psychotic than cute.
The fashion world is guilty too. “Queen Size” means your backside is
royally huge. For men, “Big & Tall” means Flab & Lengthy Flab. “Wonder
Bra” means he’ll wonder what happened to your chest when you remove the
bra.
But don’t
worry, after the initial surprise he’ll be happy simply to witness you
bare. If that fails, when it’s your turn to bear witness to his assets
just use the word “cute.” He’ll get the message.
No
translation needed.
But remember, if
you never break the ninth commandment you’ll probably never get the
chance to break the seventh commandment - for clarification see your
clergyman but be prepared to lie about why you’re asking.
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