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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Boys Will
Be Boys
By
Brad Manzo, New York
As parents, we
learn after a diaper change, or two, that you must change a boy’s diaper
quickly or there’s a strong chance your cute, little baby boy will pee
all over you. Unfortunately, we tend to forget this in the middle of the
night when our focus is getting the baby, and ourselves, back to sleep
as fast as humanly possible. However, after my father told me the
following story, I vowed I’d never forget.
My father’s friend, George, was innocently changing his newborn son’s
diaper late one night. George opened the diaper and, half-awake, rubbed
his eyes, stretched, and yawned several times.
During one of
those yawns, George’s son not only peed on him but directly into his
mouth. After that, the story gets a little hazy. Some say George brushed
his teeth for three hours straight, others, three days straight. Either
way, my father claims, “he never changed a diaper again.”
At the conclusion, my first thought was wow, what marksmanship. This kid
may have a future as a sniper. I then realized this was no joke –- at
least not for George -- and that it could happen to me.
I began formulating an ingenious strategy to avoid my son’s pee. First,
I’d get a surgeon’s mask to cover my mouth. Second, I’d keep safety
goggles bedside to avoid being shot in the eye and temporarily blinded
against all oncoming pee. Lastly, I’d would wear old, ratty clothes to
bed, just in case he hit the mark.
The plan seemed foolproof. Unfortunately, there was one flaw -– daytime
pee. My son peed on me before I could finalize the plan. Maybe there was
a simpler solution. If I changed my son at an angle, I could simply
avoid the pee. (If it hit the cat... well, at least it’s not me.) Being
the brain surgeon that I am, I concluded this would work day or night.
As I changed my son’s diaper from odd angles, my wife looked on and
laughed. I didn’t care. I was not going to be peed on and outdone by an
infant. I was going to have the last laugh.
Much to my dismay, my new plan also had a flaw. My son, similar to
George’s son, had the aim of Clint Eastwood in a Spaghetti Western. He
managed to spray me even as I changed him from the most awkward angles.
I’m not one for conspiracies but I swear there was a second shooter.
Down, but not out, I tried one last time to find a solution. Then the
unthinkable happened. As I changed my son’s diaper one day, he
projectile pooped all over me. I screamed like a frightened teenage girl
watching a horror movie. I never saw it coming. In fact, I didn’t know
such a thing existed. It was at that point, I was truly defeated.
My wife once again had the last laugh. However, I did learn one thing in
this experience: to keep my mouth shut whenever I change my son’s
diaper. (According to my wife, “the only time I know when to keep my
mouth shut.”) At least I won’t suffer that indignity.
http://www.bradmanzo.com
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