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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
Advanced
Studies In Creationism
By
Ed Tasca,
Ontario
To understand
and appreciate the scientific principles underlying Creationism, it’s
important to understand the advanced math behind it. For some this can
be far too challenging, and as a result, they turn to simplified
theories such as evolution, which cannot be backed up by
advanced math, or any math for that matter, and for the most part rests
on a foundation of nothing more than blind faith. And everyone knows
that faith is one thing, and science something else entirely.
It’s time to
look at the science and math behind Creationism. Let’s start at the
beginning, where, interestingly enough, math itself first started. As
everyone knows, everything starts with somebody starting it. Nothing
starts by itself, unless you have misread the instructions and assembled
it improperly.
So there must be
a first cause, or as they say in science circles, Point A. You can’t get
any more scientific than Point A. It’s mentioned in every physics book I
ever read. Our Point A (okay, it’s another way to say our Intelligent
Designer) started where every good story starts, with a plucky and
sometimes funny first man and first woman we can root for -– Adam and
Eve.
Adam and Eve
learned quickly the splendid value of math -- from the animals of course
-– particularly how to multiply. In fact, they performed this seminal
math function with great obsessiveness for many years, until Eve started
getting bedtime headaches.
After this
multiplication phase, Adam and Eve looked around for grandparents to
leave all these children with, creating math’s first subtraction
problem. They discovered that they never had mothers and fathers, and
this caused a great deal of stress on the both of them, particularly
when Adam’s night out with the wolverines coincided with Eve’s Tree of
Knowledge studies and there was no one to watch the kids.
When eldest son
Cain provided his math solution for subtraction, Adam and Eve banned
Cain from further math studies and from family reunions.
Eve sought
inspiration for these math problems at the only place she could, her
beloved Tree of Knowledge. There they discovered a new math problem:
division. Adam had accused Eve of taking up with another garden
creature, and the once-happy couple split up, with Adam feeling deeply
wronged, given that he hadn’t even recovered fully from his rib surgery,
and with Eve stuck with some forty or more children.
Cain continued
to subtract other siblings, except for a sister he married, followed up
quickly by other sisters he married, and so on, calling this novel
marital situation, addition, further complicating Creationist math.
When Cain’s
mischievous addition problems continued, multiplication and subtraction
reached scandalous proportions, and more division could not be helped.
Finally, Cain’s wives took their babies and left Cain with nothing. Cain
was never heard from again, inventing another new math concept that his
wives called zero.
Compare the
logic of this advanced math to the math the evolutionists have handed
down to us: after a billion trillion random mutations, fish become
iguana and iguana become mammals, and mammals start to walk upright, but
right back into the ocean to become dolphins and whales, presumably
because they couldn’t get the sand out of their hair.
I don’t know
about you, but I need some science with my theories. The mammals going
back into the water story has been a lovely fairy tale I don’t mind
reading to the children, but I’m afraid this is not science.
If you’re happy
with the construction of everything on your person -- for example, your
eyes sitting nicely in their sockets right where you’d want your eyes to
be; your nose spot on where it’s supposed to be (if it were in any other
place, we’d look silly) -- then you owe it to yourself to thank the
Intelligent Designer, and stop chasing after our imaginary tail because
we think we once had one. We didn’t.
Now, I think
it’s pretty clear that the Intelligent Designer isn’t designing any
more, so this is all we’re going to get. So don’t be waiting around for
the next century or the next millennium for evolution to give you bigger
brains or stronger muscles or even a cuter smile. It just won’t happen.
This is it! Just ask the monkeys! They’ll tell you. They’re perfectly
happy just as they are, living in trees and bathing only for parties.
They’ll also
tell you to stop saying we’re related to them. They hate that more than
we do.
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