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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
Putting The Fun
Back In Funerals
By
Kathleen Keating,
Massachusetts
The good news is
that the average life expectancy is reportedly much longer than the
generations that came and went before us. The bad news is that this life
extension is putting a serious kink into what was once a global,
thriving cottage industry. Yes, because we’re living longer, we’re
deeply impacting the coffers of the funeral market.
This is why the funeral industry really needs to think about how to
maximize its current client roster to make up for the financial deficit
they’ve been forced to endure in the name of science, technology, and
health.
While funeral directors aren’t typically known as
savvy marketers, there are many tactics they could employ to boost
business. By leveraging the skills of the oldest profession -- marketing
--
funeral homes, their affiliates and their customers’ families can stand
to make a bundle.
And by the way, marketing is the oldest profession. You may recall from
your freshman marketing class that the four Ps of marketing are:
product, price, promotion, and place. What they failed to include in
those texts is that these four Ps were the foundation that led to the
fifth P, hence, the oldest profession.
Regardless of the customer’s belief in a possible afterlife, the sheer
profits surrounding the burial ritual is one that has been seriously
overlooked. So, marketers, funeral directors and families, let’s put the
fun back in funeral and make a little money while we’re at it.
Let’s consider the traditional funeral service, like the ones we see in
the movies. Typically, you’ll have the funeral parlor activities
followed by the church memorial that leads to a hurricane wind graveyard
scene which finally brings on the after event party. Here you’ve got
myriad marketing and sponsorship opportunities.
First of all, there’s far too much blank space at the funeral parlor
that could be sold to local and corporate sponsors.
As the customer’s guests arrive at the funeral home, the sign-in
registry could be brought to you by Hal’s Stationery. Meanwhile, the
customer’s formal wear, hair and makeup oftentimes go completely
unnoticed, leaving out the hard work of the
tailor and beautician. With business cards tastefully displayed by the
coffin, you can eliminate those difficult questions such as, “Is that
tux a rental?” “Who did her hair?” and “What about her makeup? To die
for!”
Alongside the funeral home wall you could hang public service banners
such as, “This event brought to you by the Big Bad Tobacco Company,” or
perhaps straightforward advertising such as, “We Urn Our Reputation...
this space paid for by Uncle Saul’s House of Urns.”
When it comes to the funeral, we certainly shouldn’t ignore the
opportunity to sponsor the eulogy.
“As we remember great Aunt Agnes, let’s bow our heads for a moment of
silence in support of Ray’s Cadillac, who provided us with today’s
automotive transport. Ray’s Cadillac, one ride is all it takes.”
And who says you have to choose traditional funeral music when you can
sell the one-time usage rights to Procol Harem’s “Turn a Whiter Shade of
Pale,” or his purple majesty’s “When Doves Cry.”
Moreover, if you’ve done the graveyard research like I have, you’ll
notice that there is far too much unused advertising and sponsorship
space on the blank, back side of the headstone.
If we can rename once-sacred arenas to be known today as 3Com Park, The
Fleet Center, or Gillette Stadium, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong
with exploiting the tomb to help cover the high cost of dying.
It goes without saying that the after-party is an obvious plethora of
direct marketing opportunities for local caterers and wine merchants.
Clearly, there’s an unearthed market in death, as these are just a few
examples of the limitless opportunities it presents.
For those ready to try their hand using these recommendations, your
assignment is to develop a marketing plan for sitting shivah.
With seven days
and nights, the challenge is to deliver a campaign that would rival a
thirty-second Superbowl spot. Your reward? A chance to be the next
Funeral Apprentice, a yet unsponsored reality show.
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