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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
It's The End Of
The World As We Know It... And I Feel Fine
By Mark Jabo, New York
Okay, people. Calm
down.
We've had a couple of snowstorms and a mudslide in the Philippines. It's
not the end of the world.
Although, that depends on whom you talk to.
It seems that whenever a there is any kind
of a cluster of natural disasters (and by cluster I mean two in the same
decade), people come out of the woodwork to predict the end of the
world.
I think it was Thomas Malthus who pointed out that people coming out of
the woodwork was a sign that The Final Days are near. Or maybe that was
Gene Shalit predicting that Wes Craven was
making a sequel to The People Under the Stairs. When you start
looking into the whole prophecy thing, it is very hard to keep all your
wild-haired, crazy people straight.
My point is, there's a reason why we call these things "natural
disasters." They just happen, randomly, in nature. Like "natural
flavors" in Dr.
Pepper or "natural hair color" on Joan Rivers. Nobody knows what causes
them.
One of the most famous doom-and-gloom prophets of all time was
Nostradamus. Love him or hate him, you have to admit that this guy has
had a pretty good run. Ever since the mid-1500s people have been saying,
"Yeah, I know. But maybe next week..."
Nostradamus perfected many of the principles of predicting the future
that are still used today. You can find these principles, and many more,
in the new book that I'm writing called, Prophesizing for Dummies.
(Okay, so the title is a little redundant...)
Here are just a couple of the things you'll want to do before you
venture into the highly competitive world of soothsaying:
First, try to say "soothsaying" ten times real fast.
The record is held by French pessimist Jacques De Barge (1769-1788) who
once perfectly enunciated "soothsaying" twenty-three times in under
eight seconds.
Unfortunately, Jacques also predicted to his friends he would have sex
with the Queen the next time he got invited to a party at Versailles.
This prediction led to him having his head chopped off -- an event many
of his followers claim he foretold as he was led to the guillotine.
While having a
brain is not considered a prerequisite for predicting the end of the
world (see also: Pat Robertson), in this era of television it is
considered more important than ever for doomsayers to be at least
somewhat photogenic.
When you're finally ready to "get your sooth on" (as industry hipsters
refer to it), you need to remember two cardinal rules: First, always
talk in unintelligible metaphors. If you can learn to speak in haiku,
that's even better but this is a skill beyond most beginners.
Take it from the experts, there's just no better way to be considered
"relevant" and "current" than to talk in crazy metaphorical language.
Take a look at this actual quote from Nostradamus:
"The large
mastiff expelled from the city
Will be vexed by the strange alliance,
After having chased the stag to the fields
The wolf and the Bear will defy each other."
If you read the passage from Nostradamus carefully, you might be tempted
to conclude that it could mean just about anything you wanted it to or…
nothing at all.
Which brings us to the second rule of successful future prediction... once
you've said something unintelligible, let other people interpret it.
This way when someone asks, "Was he talking about a snowstorm hitting
the Northeast?" your followers -- often referred to as people even
wackier than you or, in some circles, Democrats for Dean -- can say, "Of
course he was. And he predicted it over six months ago!"
Follow these simple tips and in no time you'll be on your way to a
lucrative and well-respected career in predicting the flaming demise of
humanity. Or maybe you'll die in an FBI siege of your cult headquarters.
Either way the world will be a better place.
http://www.markjabo.com
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