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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
Maple
Infidelity
By Ryan Roe
San Antonio, TX
I have a
confession to make, and I feel just terrible about it: I’ve become a
cheatin’ man. But it’s not what you think. I’ve been cheating on the
Vermont Maid with Mrs. Butterworth.
It’s not something I planned; it just happened. As long as I can
remember I’ve had Vermont Maid syrup with my waffles, but recently I
found myself shopping in a grocery store that did not carry the brand.
It threw me off quite a bit, and I agonized over the critical decision
of which syrup to buy instead. The wrong choice could have ruined
breakfast, and if your breakfast is ruined your whole day is ruined,
because we all know how important breakfast is.
I ended up with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s, but I was not happy
about it. Sure, Mrs. Butterworth’s has the fancy lady-shaped bottle
while Vermont Maid just has a plain two-dimensional picture of a smiling
gal, but I’ve always felt that syrup bottles are like people: It’s
what’s on the inside that counts. I was settling, and it just wouldn’t
be the same.
The next morning I poured the stuff on my waffles, and watched with
great anticipation as it lazily cascaded onto the plate. Taking the
first bite, I was surprised to find that Mrs. Butterworth’s was quite
pleasing to my taste buds. Sweet and rich, just as they claim. The
second bite was just as good, if not better, than the first. A thought
suddenly flashed in my head: Mrs. Butterworth’s just might be tastier
than Vermont Maid.
I quickly tried to squelch the notion. I found myself feeling guilty,
even paranoid. What if the Vermont Maid finds me out? I glanced at the
kitchen door, convinced that any second the Maid might walk in, catching
me in the act of squeezing Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle. I could picture
her bursting into tears and storming out with pigtails shaking
furiously. “What am I doing?” I asked Mrs. Butterworth, hoping she would
speak to me as she does to the kids in the commercials. Alas, she
remained silent.
I’m not sure why I feel so guilty about this. Maybe I’m a victim of a
marketing culture that has brainwashed me to have a staunch devotion to
brand loyalty. Maybe I just take food mascots too seriously. I know I
was more affected than most people I know when Cookie Crisp cereal
recently replaced their veteran cartoon dog spokesman with a wolf. Years
ago, I was very disappointed when Cinnamon Toast Crunch fired two of the
three cartoon bakers seen on their box and the commercials, a change
most people probably never noticed. I can’t imagine how I would be
affected if anything ever happened to Snap, Crackle and/or Pop.
Although I finished eating my Butterworth waffle, I continued to feel a
nagging sense of unease. I don’t deal well with change in general, and
this syrup incident is a sticky situation that threatens to change some of
my basic assumptions about everything from waffle toppings to life
itself.
Of course, it’s altogether possible that this dalliance with
Mrs. Butterworth is nothing more than a brief fling. I may yet return to
the Vermont Maid and pick up our sweet, maple romance where we left off.
On the other hand, Aunt Jemima is starting to look pretty tempting.
http://www.muujware.com/ryan
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