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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
Battlegrounds
By Terry Lilley
Albuquerque, NM
There is a war
being fought in homes all across America, a battle of epic proportions
and far-flung consequences. I am speaking, of course, about the battle
for the blankets. People of all ages struggle to hold on to their half
of the bedcovers, while their adversary tries to win them all.
People are so
very different in the ways they sleep. In my house, we have a good
representation of some of the major types of sleepers. I myself am the
perfect sleeper. I do not snore, contrary to some claims you might hear,
and I do not toss and turn all night. I wear pajamas or a nightgown, and
I do not bury myself under a pile of blankets. I prefer a light cover in
the summer and a moderately heavy cover in the winter.
My teenager is a
minimalist. While I will not go into details, he does wear something to
bed, and would not have to fear arrest if he had to escape through the
window because of fire or other emergency. He prefers a light cover year
round, and sleeps the sleep of the innocent. I am not sure how he
manages to pull that off, because he is a perfectly normal teenager, but
he does sleep well. He also sleeps alone, so there is no struggle for
blanket supremacy. He is his own worst enemy, as he is just as likely to
throw his covers to the floor as he is to keep them around.
My husband is
another type of sleeper and an extreme one. His style is what might
politely be called "au natural," yet he wraps himself in so many layers
of blanket, he resembles a giant cocoon. I have wondered more than once
if he was in fact morphing inside his cocoon, and I am a little fearful
of what he might emerge as. He is the blanket hog in our house. I have
awakened shivering to find myself clutching the edge of the covers
almost by instinct, as my sleep self tries to defend my holdings. If I
lose the edge, I have truly lost the battle, because my hubby rolls in
his sleep and gathers his cocoon more snugly about himself.
I will
occasionally be granted a reprieve. If he happens to get up to visit the
bathroom, I will quickly unfurl the covers and redistribute them along
more equitable lines. I tell him it is to conserve the residual body
heat, so the bed is still toasty when he climbs back in. I also check
after the bed is made in the morning to insure the covers are hanging
evenly on both sides. I don’t want to be greedy, but I see no reason to
give him an unfair advantage either.
Another source
of blanket discord is the number of blankets we have on the bed. My dear
one likes his blankets piled high year round, while I prefer a variable
approach. In the past I have tried doubling the covers so that there are
twice as many on his side as there are on mine. It makes for a funny
looking bed, but it does work.
This year, I may
have stumbled on the perfect solution. I purchased an electric blanket
with dual controls. I know, these have been around for years, but I
never claimed to be at the forefront of fashion or technology. With a
touch of the dial, my husband can create the illusion of 10 down
quilts, if he so desires. I, on the other hand, can turn my side
completely off. It is the epitome of diversity and compromise, and I am
amazed it took so long for us to figure this out.
I still have the
cocooning to deal with , but I am not giving up. One step at a time, and
I will win this war.
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