| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2005 / January 2006 Contest Results |
The Weighting
Game
By Denise Malloy
Bozeman, MT
My husband pushed
back from the table and announced, “I need to lose a few pounds,” and
trotted off to find the scale. He probably lost three pounds on the
exertion of walking to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I probably gained
them.
He walked right
over to the scale and stepped on. You just ate! You have your clothes
on! Wait until morning! I wanted to shout.
Rubbing his stomach he
announced, “Wow, 182. No wonder.” Then he looked at me tentatively as if
to say, “Next?” As he fully knew, there was a better chance of pigs
flying in the window.
Most men have
the same cavalier attitude about their weight. Ask any man to step on
the scale and they all do the same amazing thing. They do it, with shoes
on, keys and change in their pockets!
They will tell
you the number that actually appears. No secret formulas or calculations
which require a graduate degree in mathematics are necessary. They
matter-of-factly announce their weight to anyone who might happen to be
present.
Not me. My
involvement with the scale requires complete secrecy, precise timing,
and the application of advanced equations. Approaching the scale demands
careful preparation which requires ritual, ceremony, and quite often, a
multi-function calculator.
Women know these
rules. First you must weigh in the morning, naked, and on an empty
stomach. Never weigh after taking a shower because research has proven
that wet hair and skin weigh more. Do not wear glasses or contact lenses
while weighing; this adds up to two extra pounds depending on frame
style and lens type. My scale has large size, glowing red numbers so I
can see it without the benefit of optical magnification.
If you have PMS,
subtract up to five pounds depending on your level of bloating or mood.
Remove all jewelry prior to weighing or subtract by carat weight. You
may also subtract the total or partial estimated weight of your head, of
course, as it is required for bodily function and contains no fat.
Pregnant women
and those who just had children have special rules. Due to hormones and
fluid retention, these rules apply liberally. My enormous pregnancy
weight gain required lying to my husband after every doctor visit. “How
much did you gain?” he’d ask. “Oh, just a pound or two,” I’d lie, when
in reality it hovered between five and seven. My “eating for two” soared
to unprecedented levels. I routinely ate enough to feed a small,
third-world country. By the end of my 42-week gestation, I feared
the gravitational pull of other planets.
My husband was
too kind, and smart, to mention my corpulent proportions. One of my
co-workers, however, was not so considerate. He’d taken to calling “Hey,
Kool-Aid” when I walked in the room.
Unfortunately,
the truth was revealed. Finally, I went to the hospital for labor to be
induced. A vivacious, 98-lb. nurse instructed me to “hop up on the
scale,” as if that was remotely possible. I spoke to her through the
gritted teeth of a woman with complete hormonal imbalance, “Don’t say my
weight out loud.” I ordered my husband to avert his eyes.
After arranging
the bars in delicate balance, she announced my weight in kilograms. The
startled look on my husband’s face revealed that he had performed the
mental calculations; I outweighed him by a good 25 lbs. I
would have choked that nurse if I could have waddled off the scale any
faster.
A corollary rule
requires that consideration be given to the weight calculation of women
who have recently had children. As all members of the sorority of
motherhood know, this rule is applicable until said children have
graduated high school. And as for the three women out there who wore
their size four jeans out of the hospital, don’t tell us. We don’t want
to know.
As we stood
there in the bathroom, it occurred to me that explaining the application
and nuance of these rules to my husband would be a waste of time. If I
had, he would have just stared at me with that “I was only trying to be
helpful”
look. Like the one he gives me upon returning from the store with
nothing from the grocery list that he memorized.
So instead, I
just stood there silently, weighing my options. Because as we both knew,
that was the only thing that I ever intended to weigh in front of him.
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