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"The Mysterious Roadside Pooper"
By Angela
(" Gertrude Butterbean") Gillaspie, Alabaster AL
Honorable Mention
My sister Luler-belle called me this morning and shared an interesting tale. On her way to work while stopped at a busy intersection, some movement caught her eye. A man pulled over to the shoulder, walked around to the passenger side, reached in for out a roll of toilet paper, pulled down his britches and squatted.
Gawking, Luler-belle almost sat through the green light until the car behind her honked. Driving by, she hollered,
"I hope everything comes out all right!"
I ain't no potty psychologist, but I like to look at weird stuff special human beans do. The Mysterious Roadside Pooper, or “MRP” as I’ll call him, gave me all kinds of thoughts.
First off, he had a roll of toilet paper with him. This showed that it wasn't the first time he had to stop and plop. After being married for almost
20 years with a gaggle of boys to raise, I know firsthand that men consider toilet paper optional, asking, ""Ain't that what underwear's
for?" A four-pack of toilet paper lasts them through a presidency (or two).
Did the MRP think the truck door concealed him or did he have to go so bad that he didn't care? Come on, now. When I have to go, I go as soon as my belly gets to feelin’ heavy. Ah, but I'm female. Most males I know will hold it as long as they can just so that they can pass as much gas as possible. It's like a male dominance thang - whoever farts the loudest or longest is the King. For example, in a business meeting, you just might hear:
"We need another router on this hub, last week the server crashed like ... pfffffbbbbbbbttttttttttt.""
"Wow, Roger, you're the man - that's why you make the big
bucks!"
And all them male coworker fellers'll look at Roger with tear-filled eyes and wonderment.
You know, since men stay in the bathroom for hours, wouldn't the MRP's legs get tired from squatting? Maybe he could lean against the fender. I wonder if he had any reading material on hand? He probably didn't need it because he could just take in the beauty of the great outdoors while he pondered life's great meaning and recycled his beans.
Another thing that I wondered was the fact that the MRP was so comfortable squatting on the roadside. He apparently had the stop, plop, and roll routine down pat. Did he have indoor plumbing? He had some modern conveniences if he had toilet paper
-- I would've been really worried if he had grabbed a great big wad of collard greens or a handful of corncobs off the passenger seat.
One explanation might be that the MRP is an unmarried man. Not many women would put up with their man going outside to wee, or to let it go whenever and wherever he can.
Lots of times when we Southerners potty-train, we just turn the kids loose butt-nekkid in the yard. The little ones take care of business, see where the business comes from and then decide that the 'business' is best left far away from the body.
I bet right after that MRP was potty trained, he never got over the thrill of stopping and plopping there amongst the dandelions and kudzu. Maybe he ran out of leaves and that's where the toilet paper came from.
What was the MRP going to do with the used toilet paper when he was done? Since this was a major highway, surely he wouldn't leave his scat and dirty wads of toilet paper on the side of the road! The state patrol frowns on that.
Maybe the MRP had a pooper scooper. Heck, if that's the case, then why didn't the MRP just take care of his business in the back of his truck? Maybe he felt too exposed and that he was making a positive contribution to the environment by leaving his homegrown fertilizer on the side of the road.
It's too bad that I wasn't the one that saw the MRP. I probably would've pulled over next to him, (waited until he was done, a'course), and then talked with him to get the answers to all my questions.
Or, maybe not -- some things are best left unknown.
http://www.southernangel.com/ggertie/ggertie.html
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