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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
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| June/July
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Winners,
Finalists & Honorable Mentions from the August/ September 2005
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October/ November 2005 Contest is
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"Kids Babysitting
Themselves... Or Not?"
By Peggy
Brenden-Swanz, Clear Lake SD
Honorable Mention
Like the long-awaited days when your children go off to kindergarten, are potty trained, and on their way to college, you parents will mark as milestones the moments when your kids can finally babysit themselves while you run errands.
Gone will be the days of dragging tired, hungry, screaming kids with you to the produce counter or to the long lines at the post office. But before running your errands alone, don't forget to follow these guidelines so that your children will be successful in babysitting themselves.
First, tell your children where you are going and when you'll be back. This will give them enough time to clean up the spilled perfume and hide Mom's girdle that got ripped accidentally while they were playing house.
A time limit also gives them a reason to blame YOU for little Jeffrey stripping stark naked and running down the street while another child spent 20 mintues trying to catch him. You may be tempted to explain how you ran into Aunt Thelma, who talked on forever and ever, but save your breath. The kids won't buy this excuse.
Next, leave an abundant supply of Wheat Thins, carrot sticks, celery, and tofu squares where the kids can get to them easily. However, don't be surprised upon returning when you find that a fire broke out in the
microwave because the little darlings chose the left-over bag of McDonald's french fries to snack on instead. Joshua will explain how he set the microwave on 100% power for 10 minutes to make sure the fries got nice and hot, thus starting the fire. Never be angry at a kid just because he did not want to eat cold, greasy potatoes.
Don't forget to leave an extra roll of toilet paper handy on the toilet tank. If you
do forget, your mouth might hang open in surprise when you find wads of newspaper and magazine pages soaking up the water in the toilet. Try not to guess how much it will cost Roto-Rooter to dig the flushed paper from the depths of the stool as Mikey explains how proud he is to know his ancestors believed in recycling. With a bewildered look on your face, ask him to explain. Listen closely as he tells you a few of the stories Grandpa Buford told him of the Sears catalog being kept near the hole in the outhouse.
You will need to make a list of emergency phone numbers. Double-check to make sure your list includes the numbers for the police, fire department, hospital, your family doctor, Uncle Murray, Grandma Ethel, Pizza Hut and Dial-A-Prayer. This way, the children can think of all the places they SHOULD have called after taking it upon themselves to put out the fire in the microwave.
Last, make sure your kids have something to keep them occupied, with the secret intent of keeping them out of trouble while you are gone. How about that
dvd you finally bought them after they pestered you for six months? But don't show signs of shock when you come home and hear deafening screams wafting from your front door. Make sure you hide your surprise when you discover your kids and a dozen of their friends staring intensely at the home movie of Cousin Beth giving birth to Baby Benjamin. After all, haven't you always hoped your kids could find their own entertainment?
Following these guidelines will leave you in no doubt of your children's ability to babysit themselves. Or you may someday join me in still taking
18-year-olds to the grocery store.
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