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"Great Mysteries of Comedy, Part I: The Legendary
'Unfinished Joke of Sparta' "
By Doug Powers,
Portland MI
Finalist
From cover to cover throughout these meticulously researched volumes, you will find many stories of comedians and humorists who stood up against tremendous odds, stared death in the face, were put under threat of persecution and told to give up their tightly held comedic beliefs, and yet bravely stood firm. Greek comedian Oileus Follicles' was no exception, as evidenced by the legendary
"Unfinished joke of Sparta."
Follicles spent most of his short life as the personal comedian to the Greek King Pyrrhus and his men. Pyrrhus was king of the Hellenistic Kingdom of Epirusin around 280 B.C., and has now become best known as the towering mascot in front of every
"AthensBurger" franchise in the world.
King Pyrrhus was a revolutionary in his views of how to wage battle and treat an army. As a child Pyrrhus studied the works of Sun Tzu a mere decade after the words were written. Pyrrhus didn't enjoy the works of Tzu, and turned his back on the teachings in
"The Art of War" and decided to wage war on his own terms. As a result, he and his armies whipped on several occasions.
It was around this time that Pyrrhus decided that he and his men would be better equipped for battle if they were more fulfilled mentally, so he retained the services of a jester he'd read about in the Crete Chronicle named Oileus Follicles. Oileus was a tall, thin man from Calabria with decorative baxa on his feet, a
"Kiss me, I'm Greek" toga, a long draped mantle over a chiton and those cute little wings by his ears.
Oileus Follicles spent the next several years following the armies of Pyrrhus into battle, bravely facing death day after day to fulfill his duties as
"Company Comedian."
It was a tough, grueling job. Try to imagine the concentration required by Oileus to be taking part in a fierce battle, with clubs swinging, knives piercing flesh, cries of agony, and swords severing limb after limb and still managing to get a riff of
"It was so hot today" going with the soldiers.
Only the most talented of comics could ever manage to get men who had lost two quarts of blood each, had daggers sticking out of their chests and swords in their groins to still muster the strength to answer in unison,
"How hot was it?"
As Pyrrhus marched his 25,000 men across Italy, hundreds of them fell victim to a very rare case of hemorrhoids, and as a result were quite grumpy. Pyrrhus asked Oileus to give his best effort to keep his troops entertained, and Oileus rose to the challenge.
In a story which has since inspired the comedy endurance festivals
"The Boston Laff-a-thon" and Hawaii's "Tri-Lafflon," Oileus made the soldiers laugh constantly during the 98 hour march without a break, a record which still stands to this day**. (**if you don't count the reaction to Lisa Marie Presley's singing career)
By the time Oileus neared the end of his journey marching with Pyrrhus and his men on their attack on Sparta, he was exhausted, but still telling jokes. The fighting was fierce and lasted most of the day. By the time the dust settled that evening, Sparta was ravaged. The entire town resembled the smoldering, splattered ruins of an Old Country Buffet after a visit from the cast of the
"Cagney & Lacy Reunion Special."
As the sun set, Oileus lay mortally wounded. As he was held dying in the arms of the man he had so loyally served for many years, Oileus labored a breath. King Pyrrhus feared his Company Comedian may be near his last breath, so he asked Oileus if he had any final jokes.
Oileus looked heavenward and said, "Aphrodite, Ares, and Hermaphroditus walk into a bar,
and....and....." He is then said to have yelled "Ouch" rather loudly, then quietly passed away, unable to finish the joke.
The soldiers who had survived the bloody battle stood vigil over the body of their dear departed, remembering, saying prayers, and waiting until they were sure he was dead before using his thorny corona to scratch their hemorrhoids.
Ever since 1963, researchers from Harvard, the University of Michigan's Center for Cultural Studies, and The Three Stooges Fan Club have convened annually to attempt to ascertain the end of the legendary
"Unfinished Joke of Sparta."
So far,
unsuccessfully.
http://dougpowers.blogspot.com
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