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| June/July
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Winners,
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"Get Fit Or
Don't"
By Gregg
Podolski, Eastampton NJ
Finalist
There’s an old saying that goes,
"Everybody could stand to lose ten pounds." This is typically followed up with another old saying:
"Please pass the chocolate-covered fat."
In the summertime, as thousands flock to
beaches -- or to theaters to watch movies about people flocking to beaches
-- the fitness craze really begins to heat up. (So, incidentally, do metaphors about things heating up).
I began going to a gym regularly when I got to college. I used to work out before (and by
"work out" I mean "eat Cheetos with a soup ladle"), but it wasn’t until then that I first got into a set routine. Having a set routine is key because it makes you look like you know what you’re doing. This, as many recent studies have proven, is more important than actually working out. (One new exercise regimen involves wandering around the floor, staring knowingly at the equipment, then showering and going home. It should be noted, however, that the only way to see true results from this is to be really, really stupid).
If you do decide to physically operate the machines, there are a few things you need to know.
One): Weights are extremely heavy. This is because they are made of a new, space-age material called metal. It’s best not to use them. You’ll have much more fun at the gym if you
pretend to use the weights while making Cyborg noises.
Two): The only effective way to operate the weights, should you decide not to follow the advice of Tip Number One, is by grunting, preferably at top volume and in such a way that nearby wildebeests will think that you’re in heat. (It goes without saying, then, that the best gyms are those located near massive quantities of wildebeests. Call ahead to check before joining).
Three): After finishing a set, drop the weights so that they make a loud crash. If nobody turns to look at you, pick up one of the weights and throw it at
something -- like a rack of other weights or one of the grazing wildebeest. This is very important. If other people don’t see first-hand how hard you just worked out then they might not know why you’re crying.
Choosing the right gym is just as important as what you do once inside. It’s important to know what a gym has to offer other than weights and the smell of armpit vomit. One thing to keep in mind is that the more luxuries an establishment boasts, the fancier its name will be. For example, some facilities provide
TVs, radios, kitchen appliances, baby clothes, a full selection of power tools, and matching bedroom sets in addition to their fitness equipment. These gyms go by the name
"department stores."
No matter how alluring their amenities, all gyms must meet certain federal regulations. The first thing you want to do is check that the men’s locker room is up to code. To do this, sit on the bench and tie your shoes. When you look up, there should be a 95-year-old naked man standing within two inches of your face, asking if you think the growth on his right buttock looks like Greg Kinnear. All gyms are required to have at least one such person enrolled with them, and his presence should put you at ease. (Unless of course you’re not actually in a coma at the time, in which case you might feel a strong urge to die).
In addition to Naked Guy, all gym locker rooms should provide access to a scale. Your fancier gyms will even have scales that can measure your Body Mass
Index -- or BMI -- which, as most experts will tell you, are three letters from the alphabet.
My gym decided to opt for a more personal touch; instead of scales they just pay a guy to stand in the corner and yell,
"You’re fat and nobody loves you!" whenever you walk up to him. Which essentially is the same thing a scale tells you, only with the guy there’s less math.
Finally, it’s been shown there are certain, specific periods when people are less inclined to work out. In technical terms, these periods are called
"Day" and "Night."
Should this feeling of apathy overcome you, stand in front of a mirror naked and remember that there are two ways to change what you see:
1) Work out. 2) Put on some clothes.
Both work, but with the second one you don’t need a spotter.
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