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"Memoirs of a Mini-Van"
By Terra O.,
Elkhart KS
Finalist
Excitement pulses through my fuel line each time the key is turned to start my engine.
I anticipate the events of each day with my family. As “boring old mini-vans” go, I’ve got it made. Being the main mode of transportation for Mom, Dad, and their small tribe of children, I have all the entertainment anything on four wheels could possibly need.
“It’s been a bad day!” exclaimed the five-year-old boy. His mother and I were picking him up from pre-school.
As she secured his seatbelt, Mom asked, “What’s the matter, Buddy?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he replied.
Mom walked around the front of me waving to his teacher. She situated herself behind the steering wheel and buckled her seatbelt as well. My gears changed from “P” to “D”
and I cautiously crawled forward as Mom maneuvered me through the line of cars outside the school.
Suddenly, the little boy’s voice, full of distress began a short monologue.
“Do you know why it’s a bad day? I’ll tell you why it’s a bad day. I keep losing my erections. I find them and lose them again and again. And, now I’ve lost my erections again!”
Mom began choking profusely on a lemon drop she’d been sucking on. Her eyes watered as her face began to flush to a perfect “STOP” sign red. We jolted to a stop so quickly
from our slow speed that I couldn’t help but slice into their waists with the seat belts trying to keep them safe.
“What,” Mom gasped.
“My erections! I just keep losing them all day.”
Being fully aware of the state of anguish her son was in, Mom remained as calm as possible as she said, “Honey, I’m sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about.”
I slowly began to move forward again down the street, when to my surprise, he responded with blunt certainty, “Mom, I know you’re laughing, but it’s not funny! I can’t get my thingy to work if I keep losing my erections all day.”
Mom began to have vicious convulsions as we again jolted to an abrupt and immediate halt. Once, again I grasped hold of everyone as tightly as possible. I realized at this point, the uncontrollable jerking of Mom’s body was an impressive attempt to suppress her laughter. Mom’s grip on my steering wheel tightened to the point my engine sputtered from a mixture of pain and hysterics.
“Dear God, help me keep it together enough to drive us home,” Mom muttered a prayer under her breath.
“Mom, I know what’s a good idea. Just take me to Dad’s shop. He knows about these things.”
“That sounds great,” Mom gasped out between breaths.
She turned on my right blinker while wiping the tears from her eyes. I had to admire her every effort to display concern and compassion for the little boy in the back seat who obviously had absolutely no idea what he was saying.
As I accelerated through the turn Mom frantically steered me in the direction of the large garage door at Dad’s shop. We careened into the driveway as I began losing balance and almost leaned on two wheels. As I used my seatbelts yet again in a death grip on each one of my family present for this ordeal, we jerked to a stop.
Mom threw open my driver’s door with such force, had I not been distracted by the hilarity of the situation at hand it might have hurt my hinges. After unlocking the seatbelt she wore, she fell out on her feet in absolute hysterics. Holding her stomach as she walked in the door, the laughter and tears poured out of her. The young boy remained in his seat searching frantically through his backpack.
Moments later, Mom and Dad appeared together. Dad opened my back door and asked, “What’s going on, Buddy? Mom said you had a bad day.”
“Yea,” came the small voice almost trembling as tears brewed in his eyes. Then suddenly, “Never mind! I found my erections! See without this paper with all the erections on it, I couldn’t make my new game work.”
“Oh,” Mom sighed as a broad smile emerged on her face. “DIRECTIONS!”
Rolling his eyes, the youngster said, “That’s what I said. I needed my erections for this thing I got from my teacher so I can make the game work! Now I have them, so let’s go home so I can play.”
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