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"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM SHOWCASE

October/November 2010 Humor Writing Contest Results!


Enter "America's Funniest Humor"TM Writing Contest to claim (or regain) a spot in our next Humor Showcase!


 

 

Congratulations to all Finalists in our October/ November 2010 Humor Writing Contest!

(Listed alphabetically by author
.)

OMB Floats Plan to Loan the U.S. Congress to Other Countries
By Carlos Arnade, Virginia

--American Public Says It’s OK if Borrowing Countries Default--

According to several government sources with names, the Office of Management and Budget is working with the Foreign Aid establishment to come up with a plan to loan the U.S. Congress to a foreign country. The plan, called “Export Egos, Democracy, Government--and--Actually Debate Something”, or EE-GAADS, is meant to show recently emerging economic powers how American style democracy works. OMB economists predict that EE-GAADS will provide weary voters and the executive branch of the U.S. Government a much needed break.

If all goes according to plan, within a year members of Congress will move--in mass--to an emerging market country and begin legislating. OMB planners expect that by nine months Congress will bankrupt the economy of the country where they are working. Once demonstrating how democracy works, they will move to another country and begin anew, to spend money, and allocate earmarks, and debate critical issues, such as whether to use “droppings” from the national bird to “fertilize” the national flower.

OMB had originally planned to loan the U.S. Congress to Saudi Arabia. However the oil rich kingdom country said it would prefer that the United States loan it basketball players, pro-wrestlers, and clouds that contain rain. Despite the setback, numerous countries have expressed interest in borrowing the U.S. Congress for a brief period of time.

For example, France announced it would like to borrow the Congress for six months and have it continue to denounce the Obama’s administration’s expansive foreign policy.

French officials revealed a plan to locate the U.S. Congress inside Disney World, France, and turn Congressional debate into a theme park ride; allowing French ticket buyers to ride little boats down canals that wind around the U.S. Congressional chamber.
French officials said they were willing to add, for free, the theme song:

“It small world-view after all”

to the theme park ride.

Disney World-France designers expressed approval of the plan saying they are willing to include Republican and Democratic caucus meetings as part of Disney’s House of Horrors ride; locating the meetings between the Jekyll & Hyde chamber and the American 50 hour work-week room.

Russia said it would like to borrow the U.S. Congress for one Moscow winter and use it to filibuster legislation to implement banking reforms, while simultaneously denouncing banks for providing cash to members of Congress. Russian officials say that once the Americans Congress leaves Moscow, the Russian public will once again appreciate Russian officialdom’s openly honest approach to dishonest thievery.

The Ex-Soviet republic of Kazakhstan also expressed interest in borrowing the U.S. Congress to pass legislation to provide critical mohair subsidies to that country’s sheep farmers and its mohair styling saloons. Kazakhstan said it also would ask the U.S. Congressional to pass a cash-for-cluckers program to upgrade that country’s deteriorating poultry industry.

Turkmenistan said it would like to borrow the U.S. Congress to liven up that regime’s stone-faced TV comedy shows. According to rumors, Turkmenistan’s citizens have grown bored watching Stalin statues slip and fall on Turkish carpets made out of banana peels.

Tajikistan said it would like to borrow the U.S. Congress so its government police could take Congressmen hostage and demand ransom from Kazak sheep herders who are looking for chicken and mohair subsidies.

And the Leader of Uzbekistan pleaded with the U.S. Congress to come and work in his country, saying that he was bored since he had no legislative body left to raid, close down, and put into prison.

The next day, the Taliban invited the U.S. Congress to Pakistan and demanded that they immediately begin legislating in order to paralyze that country’s government.

Opinion polls show that the U.S. public overwhelming favors EE-GAADS and would not mind if the U.S. Congress stayed loaned to foreign countries for several decades. When asked which foreign country they prefer to lend the U.S. Congress to, an overwhelming majority of Americans said Uzbekistan; while a significant amount of Americans said Hawaii or Alaska.

Several congressmen expressed excitement about EE-GADs; and said they looked forward to moving overseas, practicing democracy, and spending money, now that United States budget deficit has surpassed a trillion dollars a year.

Meanwhile, OMB said that in light of the positive public responsive to EE-GAADS, it was also proposing EE-GAADS: II or

Export Every Government Agency and Department of State: Too.

www.bananaws.com

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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The Department of Agriculture Offers to Pay Obese Citizens to Avoid Eating
By Carlos Arnade, Virginia

--Paying Farmers Not to Grow Crops is Not Enough--

In a desperate effort to cure the expanding obesity epidemic, the Department of Agriculture has announced a plan to subsidize voluntary hunger. Modeled after the Department’s acreage set-aside program which pays farmers not to grow crops, the new plan will pay overweight consumers to not eat.

USDA economist Keithly Kuchler explained the program while munching on a USDA approved carrot:

“USDA pays really Big Farmers to not grow crops, which has prevented the nation’s soils from being wasted.

Now, we will plan to pay really Big Shoppers to not eat food, which will prevent the nation’s waists from being soiled.”

Department officials said that in the coming weeks, packets of anti-food stamps will be issued to any person who can prove he or she is 20 pounds overweight or unable to recognize his or her own feet.

Citizens with anti-food stamps who show up at store checkout counters and show their stamps will be given bonus money if they hurl store-bought meats and desserts into a government Dumpster. Dumpster food will then be “dumped” on select food markets to reduce the fat profits of select food retailers.

As the government’s anti-obesity plans unfolded, the administrator of USDA’s “Fraud, Abuse, and Horse-Meat Agency” warned consumers that if food stamps and anti-food stamps come into contact inside the same wallet or purse, government budgets could explode and destroy consumer’s diet choices.

The administrator said that anyone caught harboring both food and anti-food stamps will be arrested and sent to vegetable consumption camps, where they will be fed raked leaves, dried stems, and boiled roots for six weeks.

--Oakton High School Student Weighs In--

As the anti-obesity plan got underway, a two hundred and forty pound freshman student sued Virginia’s Oakton High School for violating the Federal government’s TARP program.

Arguing that he too, was too big to fail, Jackson Marcus said that Oakton High School violated federal TARP rules by allowing him to fail his Algebra 1 class.
The Department of Agriculture quickly shipped two boxes of anti-food stamps to the Marcus' Oakton home.

Attached to the boxes was a handwritten note which said:

“Lick, but do not directly eat, enclosed TARP anti-food stamps.“

The next day, the father of Jackson Marcus, Jack Marcus, informed reporters that he had not planted one crop on his two-acre lot for the past forty years. Thrusting a handful of pitch black soil before TV cameras; the senior Marcus threatened to erode his entire yard, in one scoop, if he did not receive USDA back-payments for not growing crops on his land.

--A USDA Clarification--

Following the Jackson family dispute, USDA officials announced that any farmer who receives subsidies for not growing crops on their land also could be eligible to receive anti-obesity money. However, before receiving both payments, farmers would have to prove that family members would have eaten the crop which wasn’t grown, had it been grown.

Officials of USDA’s Fraud, Abuse, and Horse-Meat Agency:

"If you want both land set-aside payments and food set-a-side payments, you must send us the expected yields and acreage of the crop that was not grown. Then, you must send a record of the food you ate and an estimate of the food which you would have eaten, had you harvested your own crop.

It is up to you to prove the food you didn’t eat was not eaten because you didn’t grow it.

That is, if you did not eat it because you did not grow it, then you are fine.

But, if you did not grow it, because you did not plan to eat it, then you will not be allowed to receive USDA subsidies.”

Jackson Marcus, responded by telling teachers that he had not eaten hundreds of chocolate cakes in the past year, because his father had never planted cake-mix seed in the yard.

Using his calculator, and calling cake mix yields “x” and his appetite “y” and money “z”, Jackson Marcus said he figured the government owed him a hundred and ten dollars.

And two semesters of a USDA-approved, C+ grade in his high school algebra class.

www.bananaws.com

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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The Cellular Shootout
By Jarod Duley, Michigan


Announcer 1: ... And we’re back from that minute cell identification break. In case you are just tuning in to the microscope we are LIVE! At the Sub Atomic Stadium. Featuring the Flagellumless Parameciums versus the Two Celled Amoebas in the Chromosome Cup! My name... is not important. I am joined by my fellow chromy. His name... is even less important. The referees have given the signal to resume play. It appears the two players are okay after their membranes collided during the last rebound attempt. This game has really come down to the last mutation!

Announcer 2: The ‘Meciums have few backup players to choose from. Several of their star players are on the injured list from lack of X’s or Y’s.

A1: Resuming play now. Lester Lipid winds up for the pitch... Oh! An amazing curve ball to the outside. Strike two on Roy Bisome. One more swing like that and the Amoebas will be the winners!

A2: He must’ve had his nucleus closed to swing at that one, don’t you think?

A1: Yes I do think so. But the ref has called a timeout.

A2: He seems to be checking the ball. Could Lipid have tampered with it?

A1: Let us hope not. This game is too important for pranks... No! Unbelievable! The ref has found cytoplasm on the ball!

A2: Lipid must have sabotaged it during the timeout! That sneaky symbiote!

A1: Nonetheless, a slimy situation for the Amoebas. No pun intended, of course.

A1: There has been a ruling on the field. The line judge has ruled that the Parameciums will kick a field goal. If the ‘Meciums can convert they will be the neeew champions!

A2: You can feel the electrons in the air! This has turned out to be an exciting game! I love this sport! I hope I never divide!

A1: The Parameciums are lining up for the penalty kick. Roy Bisome has been chosen as the kicker. This could be it folks.

A2: I hope he has his nucleus open this time.

A1: Yes. Let us hope so.

A2: I hope next season we can share DNA as exciting as this.

A1: Roy Bisome has the ball. He seems to be having a difficult time selecting the proper club. There. He has it now. A putter! He’s going to use a putter?!

A2: It’s too late. He must use it according to handbook rules. It makes no sense! That is a 30 micrometer shot he has to make. The distance is too small!

A1: Bisome seems to be looking down field at his opponent Mito Chondria. It will be up to him to block Bisome’s shot. Have these two ever matched up before? Do we have any stats?

A2: ...I’m afraid RNA has not transmitted that info to us.

A1: The ref has blown the whistle to resume play. Bisome lines up. The snap. He catches the ball, throws down his club, and starts charging at the goalie! Mito Chondria looks poised . Bisome jumps for the goal line. Mito jumps to intercept. OH! They have collided! It looks like Mito stopped Bisome just short of the goal line. The crowd is going wild! This is unprecedented! The Amoebas have won the Chromosome Cup! That’s all the time for today! Join us next week for the Nucleic Acid Stakes.

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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I Didn't Mean It, Really
By
Tom Harris, Ohio

“(Former astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak) must stay away from the victim Colleen Shipman and has to write a “sincere” letter of apology to her within 10 days.”
Associated Press item in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, November 11, 2009

Dear Ms. Nowak:

All of us at ReallySincereExpressions were saddened to learn of your recent misfortune. ReallySincereExpressions specializes in composing sincere letters of apology, and we would like to assist you as you struggle through this traumatic situation.

You know and we know that when Ms. Shipman receives your letter of apology, she will mumble “Yeah, right” and toss it into the wastebasket. Before Ms. Shipman sees the letter, however, it will be scrutinized by an army of bureaucrats using the Sincere-o-Meter, which was developed by a team of psychiatrists, social workers, counselors and other assorted quacks. If your letter to Ms. Shipman fails to get a passing score on the Sincere-O-Meter, you will be subject to additional fines and possible incarceration.

At ReallySincereExpressions we have over 30 standard letters of sincere apology. Simply call 1-800-IMSORRY and one of our sincerity consultants will help you discover the letter of sincere apology that is right for you. Once you’ve selected a letter, the relevant information from your case will be added to the ReallySincereExpressions letter of sincere apology’s time-tested expressions of sincere apology. The lowest acceptable score on the Sincere-O-Meter is 85. Three of ReallySincereExpressions’ standard letters of sincere apology have earned a score of 100, and our other standard letters all have a Sincere-O-Meter ranking of 96 or higher. All it takes is five minutes of your time.

For additional peace of mind, may we suggest a ReallySincereExpressions personalized letter of sincere apology. Yes, a personalized letter of sincere apology is somewhat more expensive, but the extra level of safety it provides is worth it. You see, more and more people are using ReallySincereExpression standard letters of apology every day. There is always the possibility that one jurisdiction will receive identical standard letters of sincere apology within a few days time, which would raise a Sincere-O-Meter red flag. The ReallySincereExpressions staff work hard to prevent such an occurrence, but it could happen, and we cannot be responsible if it does. Although, we would be sincerely sorry.

When you opt to send a ReallySincereExpressions personalized letter of sincere apology, one of our sincerity consultants will come to your home and compose a truly personalized letter of sincere apology with you. Our sincerity consultant will take your thoughts and ideas and tastefully package them in a personalized letter sure to score high on the Sincere-O-Meter.

We at ReallySincereExpressions understand that you are capable of writing an acceptable letter of apology. We also understand, however, that you are under a great pressure at this time, that another woman has stolen your lover and that fines and imprisonment are real possibilities if your sincerity is found wanting.

Many bright, intelligent, successful women in your position have opted to write their own letters of apology. A few of them wrote letters with an acceptable sincerity level. Most did not. So often, a woman who must apologize to the woman responsible for her broken heart, no matter how hard she tries, finds it impossible to keep words such as “trollop,” “hussy,” “slattern” and “floozy” out of the letter. And those words never score high on the Sincere-O-Meter.

Why take a chance? Call 1-800-IMSORRY and talk to one of the ReallySincereExpressions sincerity consultants. It’s quick, it’s easy and it’s effective.

And remember, at ReallySincereExpressions, being sincere doesn’t mean you have to mean it.

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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Periodical Discomfort
By Tom Harris, Ohio

No one gets into the supermarket checkout line expecting an uplifting experience. Then again, except for me, no one expects to be reduced to a cowering, simpering, drooling fool while waiting to pay for his groceries.

When I approach the checkout line, my stomach churns, my hands get clammy and my brow spews sweat. The problem is the magazine racks, that canyon of frightening, emotionally paralyzing memories I must pass through on my way to the cashier.

We – my wife, children and I – were a typical young family of the early eighties. Fridays after work we’d reclaim the kids from day care, stop for fast food and go to the grocery store. Every week, the final item in the cart was a women’s magazine my wife snagged from the rack as we waited to checkout.

Some of the women’s magazines looked interesting. They were the ones with covers covered with cleavage and blurbs for articles such as “What your man really wants: 26 sure-fire ways to please him in bed.” But my spouse preferred the magazines for aspiring frumps.

The editors and publishers of the hausfrau magazines were marketing geniuses. Every issue was packed with articles on food and diets. The woman depressed and frustrated by her inability to drop either inches or pounds on the “Lose a pound a day watching TV” diet featured in the April issue was an easy target for the picture of a seven-layer cake and the promise of “A month’s worth of sinfully rich desserts” on the May cover.

On a more practical level, the magazines offered ideas on how a working mother could be more efficient in the kitchen. The theory was a big meal on Sunday would provide quick, easy-to-prepare meals the rest of the week through the judicious use of leftovers. All the necessary information, from the shopping list to the recipes for the feast on Sunday, the casserole on Wednesday, the cold sandwiches on Saturday, and all the dinners in between, was there.

Although they looked good on glossy paper, the suggestions for saving time never worked. When the Sunday meal was as delicious as the hype, there weren’t any leftovers. But if the Sunday meal fell short of expectations, the leftovers cluttered the refrigerator until the life forms that sprouted from them had evolved to the point where they complained if we didn’t knock before opening the refrigerator.

Between the stories on what to eat and how to take off the resulting tonnage, the editors inserted medical articles designed to keep mothers in perpetual fear. Statistics available elsewhere indicated a child born in the United States had a life expectancy approaching eighty years. The truth, according to the magazines, was that a child could expect to live until his next sneeze. “Just a cold or deadly medical mystery?” the blurb on the cover asked. Quickly turning to Page 34, the young mother found the answer. And it wasn’t hopeful.

Had the magazines stopped there, I would have merely snickered at them. But somewhere in the middle of every issue lurked a compatibility test. The test, developed by a psychologist of questionable repute and in dire need of money, took the young mother’s mind off her child’s imminent demise by warning her that her marriage was rushing toward a bitter, ugly end.

Any time I was happily engaged in doing nothing, my wife would say, “Take this test with me.” Most of the tests were multiple-choice, and calling on my experience from a psychology class I’d taken in college, I selected what I deemed the most nonsensical answer to each question. The result was, I ranked among the great husbands of all time.

One day, however, I agreed to take a test, which, unbeknownst to me, asked more open-ended questions. I held my own at first. Using a variation of my multiple-choice technique, I gave answers that were the opposite of the responses a reasonably intelligent person not corrupted by psychology would give. But it was hard work and I had difficulty maintaining my concentration.

“OK, this is question 20. Only five more to go,” she said. “What is your greatest sexual fantasy?’

“To make love to a woman who weighs less than I do,” I said.

Oh, the rage, the anger, the fury that hell hath none like. The marriage eventually ended. My fear of the magazines near the checkout line never has.

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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Newspapers? Whatever!
By Mike McNulty, Texas

Conversation overheard outside a comic book store:

Teenager 1*: Did you hear that?
Teenager 2*: What?

Teenager 1*: She “whatevered” me.
Teenager 2*: Who?

Teenager 1*: The chick at the counter. She “whatevered” me. I should have been the one to “whatever” her!
Teenager 2*: Go back in and “whatever” her now. I’ll wait.

Teenager 1*: I can’t go back and “whatever” her now. I’d look like an ass-clown.
Teenager 2*: Well, it’s up to you. But I never let anyone “whatever” me first. If I even think there’s a chance they might “whatever” me, I “whatever” them right away and walk out.

Teenager 1*: Yeah, I should have done that.
Teenager 2*: Yeah, I’m not going to get “whatevered” by some lame piece of crap who’s not nearly as spiritual as I am.

Teenager 1*: Yeah.
Teenager 2*: Yeah.

Teenager 1*: Hey, what’s that blowing at your feet?
Teenager 2*: I don’t know. It looks like it has words and pictures on it. Maybe it’s a poster for a show or a new tattoo place.

Teenager 1*: No, it looks like it has stories on it or something.
Teenager 2*: Stories about Goths?

Teenager 1*: I don’t see any Goth stories. Looks more like stories about a bunch of old, white dudes doing things.
Teenager 2*: Giving tattoos?

Teenager 1*: Yeah, no, I don’t see any of that. More like old, white dudes and wars; old, white dudes and money; old white dudes arresting people; crap like that.
Teenager 2*: What club is this at?

Passerby*: It’s a newspaper, you idiot!
Teenager 2*: WHATEVER! See, like that.

Teenager 1* Yeah, you’re good. So I guess the old, white dude stuff isn’t happening at a club. More like all over the country.
Teenager 2*: So why would I pay to go see it?

Teenager 1*: You don’t pay to see it; it’s not a show. I think this is a paper with a list of news that just happened, or something like that
Teenager 2*: News like what?

Teenager 1*: Like what I just told you!
Teenager 2*: Old, white dude stuff?

Teenager 1*: Yeah.
Teenager 2*: And it costs a buck every day to read about old, white dude stuff?!

Teenager 1*: Guess so.
Teenager 2*: Who would buy that crap?

Teenager 1*: Old, white dudes, I guess. I’ve never bought one.
Teenager 2*: I never bought an old, white dude either.

Teenager 1*: Yeah.
Teenager 2*: If people want news, why don’t they just go online?

Teenager 1*: Old people don’t go online; they watch “The View” and read “People” magazine for important news. I think they buy these paper news things to do puzzles or to bet on their stock markets or something. The news stuff looks like it just fills it out so it seems bigger than it is.
Teenager 2*: Maybe they buy them for when it rains, too?

Teenager 1*: To see what the weather’s gonna be like?
Teenager 2*: No, like if it rains and they don’t have a hat but they want their old, white dude toupees to stay dry, they put this over their head on their way to bet on the stock markets?

Teenager 1*: I guess, but I saw one of my Mom’s skeezer boyfriends with one of these and it wasn't even raining.
Teenager 2*: Yeah, then I don’t get it.

Teenager 1*: Me either.
Teenager 2*: Well, you could sit on it.

Teenager 1*: Yeah, you can sit on lots of things. So what?
Teenager 2*: I mean, so it wasn’t blowing at your feet.

Teenager 1*: Yeah, but I doubt if someone invented old, white dude paper news things and sells them for a buck just so that you could sit on them in case they were blowing at your feet.
Teenager 2*: Maybe they did.

Teenager 1*: No! I mean, then why wouldn’t someone sell something for 50 cents that will also blow at your feet and you could sit on? They’d sell twice as many.
Teenager 2*: Maybe they do.

Teenager 1*: Yeah, well maybe they don’t!
Teenager 2*: Whatever!

Teenager 1*: Dammit!!


*Not their real names.

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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What To Do If You Run Into Your Ex
By Carl Megill,
New Jersey

I feel at this time, fellow husbands, that I should warn you about a situation that can only be defined as the most horrendous and horrific scenario imaginable to the married man. (Not counting the dream where you wake up next to Richard Simmons.) I’m talking about running into your old girlfriend while you are with your wife.

A series of emotions will run through your system, predominantly, blacking out. However, if you follow these simple rules, you, too, will be able to escape this chance meeting unscathed.

Let’s say you and your wife are shopping at the mall. (Actually, men don’t go to the mall to shop. They go for the food court.) All of a sudden, coming in the opposite direction, you see your ex-girlfriend.

First, don’t try to hide the fact that she was a former girlfriend. But, if you can duck behind a large, potted plant before she sees you, do it. You can always come up with some flimsy excuse to use on your wife as to why you are skulking behind a large fern. (“Oh, I thought I saw a dollar back there.”)

Next, always introduce your wife to your ex-girlfriend, emphasizing the word “ex”, and try to avoid using such terms as “former main-squeeze”, “cuddle-bunny, or, “love of my life.”

Then, introduce your ex-girlfriend to your wife. The pitfall to watch here, guys, is getting your wife’s name right. (“I’d like you to meet my wife, Mary, uh, Jane, uh Mary-Jane, uh, Elliot.”) NOTE: If you’ve gotten to this point in the introduction, it is highly advisable that you find the closest sharp object and slash your wrists.

Keep in mind that as all three of you are standing there, smiling stupidly at each other, you, the husband, are not the only one experiencing all of these different emotions.

Your former ex and your wife are challenging their imaginations. For instance, the girlfriend may be looking over the situation and asking herself, “Why didn’t I duck behind that potted plant when I had the chance?” Or, she may be looking at your wife and observing, “The poor woman. I wonder if he’s putting her through the same nightmare I went through.”

Now, your wife may be looking over your ex and asking, “Alright, she’s attractive, but are those real?” Or, she may be pondering, “Poor thing. I wonder if he put her through the same nightmare I’m going through.”

The husband, being driven by his own inflated ego, can only ponder one scenario. “How can I get the two of them involved in a romantic evening?” As enticing as this may seem, guys, and even though it may contain the potential for an entire column of its own, the key thing to remember here is to end the conversation as quickly as possible. This can be done in a number of ways:

1. Fake a heart attack.

2. Remember that you left the water running in the tub.

3. Find the closest sharp object and slash your wrists.

If the situation should develop that the two women involved would like to have coffee or lunch together, under no circumstances are you to leave them alone for a moment. The thing to watch out for in this situation, men, is that while you’re having lunch with two beautiful women, the male ego kicks into overdrive. Avoid reminiscing. (“Remember the night we made love in the linen closet at the Chicago Sheraton?”) Or, (“How about the time we went skinny-dipping at that church fund raiser?”)

Saying goodbye should be as brief as possible. No kiss. However, if your ex leans in for one, no tongue. Also, when parting company, as you and your wife head in one direction, don’t turn around to take one last look. This could be the difference between watching a full or partial football season.

So, guys, follow these simple rules and you may be sleeping in your own bed again within a few, short weeks.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/319855/carl_megill.html

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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Global Warming: What’s the Big Deal?
By Madison Weatherwax, Massachusetts

Global warming and the controversial debate surrounding it have been ranked the most boring topics of all time. In fact, the only entertaining story to come out of the climate change debate was the ironic story of a global warming activist who froze to death while doing research in Antarctica.

Now before you skip this article in favor of your horoscope, you ought to know that “global warming” is about as scientific as student astrology. Don’t let those evil tree-hugging activists steal anymore of your money or your time. Even if we were to entertain the idea that “global warming” was realistic, this author cannot help but wonder, what’s the big deal?

After watching the film, An Inconvenient Truth, I found myself left with some pestering questions for a certain Mr. Al Gore. Firstly, Al Gore, can you truly be as ignorant to think that human indulgence is not worth the degradation of the environment? Secondly, are you so egotistical, Al Gore, that you ponder the consequences of your actions upon upcoming generations? Any “global warming” information distributed henceforth by Gore should include a candid disclaimer. For example, in An Inconvenient Truth, Gore should have said something akin to:

"After losing the election to George Bush, I felt unappreciated. I wanted to make my life’s story important again to America and to the rest of the world.”

Finally, Al Gore, numerous news reports indicate that you engaged in extra material affairs. On behalf of a concerned nation, I ask you, has global warming spread to your pants?

As to anyone who would find themselves sad at the occurrence of dying polar bears, let’s face the truth; we all know that polar bears are a malicious and nasty breed. They are an incredibly aggressive animal whom salivates at the thought of gnawing on human flesh. By eliminating the polar bear, we are eradicating a dangerous animal, which in turn increases the livelihood of a much more important species, the omnipotent Homo sapiens. In regards to the endangerment of the penguin, let me remind you that they are the only class of bird which cannot fly. The extinction of such an animal sounds reasonable.

If you happen to reside in New England, you need no introduction to the burden of harsh winters. If “global warming” is occurring, then we no longer have to endure the stressors of winter. It will be unnecessary for us to wear inflated coats, with three additional layers, and thermal underwear all lodged underneath. There will be no more cleaning snow off of your dashboard in the frigid mornings, or of your car drifting off of the road while you are hastily speeding to work.

In addition to warmer temperatures, there will be more people wearing less clothing, which is a plus most of the time. Indeed, who really cares whether or not Arctic sea ice is disappearing? If the topography truly is changing, perhaps we can start planting trees and finally make use of that terrain.

Speaking of agriculture, climate change activists argue that temperature changes will decrease crop growth. Naive people fail to appreciate the only plants of any significance, which are those grown illegally in basements and garages. These plants will continue to grow underground splendidly. Further cultivation is unnecessary, as impeccable food technologies have provided the world with delicious artificial food, such as Doritos.

Furthermore, according to climate change experts, cow flatulence is damaging to the climate. If passing gas is harmful, this writer is in a lot of trouble. The audacity of these “global warming” activists astounds me. If advocates really want to save the earth, there are more appropriate ways in doing so. For example, high-school administrations could cease cutting down trees in order to produce textbooks that very few students actually read.

Bottom Line: “Global warming” doesn’t kill people- people kill people”.

Don’t let those environmentalists put you in a state of fear. The dangers of global warming are nothing but a lot of hype, exacerbated by egocentric environmentalists eager to use junk science to draw attention to themselves. So drive your Hummer, brush your teeth with the water running, and produce those greenhouse gases all you want, because even if “global warming” is real, it’s not that big of a deal anyways.

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