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"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM SHOWCASE

June/July 2010 Humor Writing Contest Results!


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Congratulations to the Winners of our June/July 2010 Humor Writing Contest!

Some Dude
By
Thomas Wheeler,
Texas

There is a guy out there causing all kinds of mayhem among the "Not Guilty" population. He (the guy) is generally described as black, white, Hispanic, blonde, red-headed, dark haired, somewhere between 5’6” and 6’3” and favors jeans and a t-shirt. The name of this trouble maker: “Some Dude”.

I observe courtroom drama from a judicial bench. "Some Dude" is a frequent visitor in my court. Recently, a man charged with drug possession slouched* his way to the witness stand and, against the strongly-worded advice of his appointed defense lawyer, proceeded to prove the value of the Fifth Amendment. The conversation went as follows:

District Attorney: “You had drugs in your car when you were pulled over, right?”

Defendant: “Yeah”

DA: “Where did the drugs come from?”

Defendant: “I gave a ride to Some Dude. He must have been the one that left them in the (locked) glove box.”

DA: What did this guy look like?”

Defendant: “Don’t remember exactly. Think he was a white guy. Probably in his thirties. Had a tattoo.”

DA: “What did the tattoo look like?

Brain Surgeon: It was on his face or something. I didn’t really look at it.”

DA: “What about that crack pipe found in your pocket?”

Mensa Candidate: “That Dude showed it to me and I didn’t know what it was. I was taking it home to my poor, sick grandmother to ask her if she knew what it was…
Nome sane?”**

District Attorney: “Was this the same grandmother you said had died when you asked for a continuance in this case?”

Guy-That-Is-Smarter-Than-His-Attorney: “She got better.”

“Some Dude” has a redeeming quality. Though he routinely forgets where he left his drugs, he is generous to a fault. In fact, if a guy needs a ride, "Some Dude" is there waiting with a car to lend.

A guy charged with driving a stolen vehicle slouches his way to the stand.

District Attorney: “How come you were driving Joe Blow’s car?”

Defendant: “I was passin’ by the country club, nome sane, just passin’ through, and Some Dude walks up to me and asks me if I need a ride. I said “Sure” and the Dude hands me his car keys and says, “Here, take my car. Just bring it back when you are through with it.”

DA: “Why did you take the police on a high speed chase when they tried to pull you over?”

Future-Vice-Presidential-Candidate: “I didn’t know they were back there. I was in a hurry to get to my poor, sick grandmother so I could take her to the hospital."

DA: “What was wrong with your grandmother?”

Rocket Scientist: "Did I say grandmother? I meant my baby-momma. She was having female problems. She needed to go see her dermatologist.”

If I ever find “Some Dude”, I am going to hold him accountable for all the wrongs perpetrated on these innocents…Nome sane?

*“Slouching” is like sauntering except it requires the sloucher to exude a gotta-show-the-judge-he-ain’t-the-boss-of-me attitude with each step.

** “Nome sane”…You figure it out.

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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Parenting Book Titles You Won’t be Seeing on the Shelves Anytime Soon
By Tiffany Carboni, California

• The Young and the Fertile: Why Birth Control was Invented

• Maternity Clothes Suck…But Not Worse Than What Follows

• Red Lipstick Can Fix Any Bad Day (and a Prescription of Valium Couldn’t Hurt Either)

• Does this Playdate Offer Champagne? And Other Important Questions Mothers Need to Ask

• Make Your Own Damn Breakfast: A Guide to Empowering Everyone in Your Household

• Clean Home = Clear Head…Oh Well: A Mother’s Story about Checking Out of House Work and Flying Solo to Vegas

• Help, the Electronic Devices are Talking to Me at Night: Tips for Booking Your Next Kid-Free Vacation at a Mental Institution

• Yes! Yes! Yes! A Patsy’s Guide to School Volunteerism

• The Wheels on the Minivan Go Round and Round (All #&%$ing Day)

• Lemons into Lemonade: How to Effectively Turn a Child into Daddy’s Best Bartender

• No Dessert for Mommy (I’ll Eat Off Your Plates Later)

• My Life is Held Together by Scotch Tape

• Because the Police Will Take Daddy to Jail…and Other White Lies We Tell to Manipulate Our Kids

• I’ve Always Loved You More Than Your Sister: Getting the Behavior you Want from Your Child

• Allowance: Giveth & Taketh Away

• Seize the Day and a Giant Shield: You Never Know What Your Children Will Throw at You

• I Heart Miss Hannigan’s Managerial Skills

• I Have Enough Paperclips to Last a Lifetime but I Can’t Find a Damn Roll of Toilet Paper to Save My Life

• I Laugh, Therefore I Kegel

www.tiffanycarboni.com

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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Afghan War Strategy Hampered by Warlord In-Fighting: American Warlord In-Fighting
By Carlos Arnade, Virginia

For over a thousand years tribalism and warlord rivalry have prevented Afghanistan from functioning as a modern state with a strong government and central air conditioning. However, as Pashtu Chiefs, Tajik governors, and Farsi speaking tribal leaders step aside and recognize the authority of the Karzai government in Kabul, American War Lords have stepped in to fill the vacuum.

Af-Pak chief coordinator, Richard Holbrooke, aggressively told Kabul reporters that all U.S.-Afghan policy initiatives had to be cleared by his upper right ego. Mr. Holbrooke asserted that he had the authority to put disrespectful military commanders under 24-hour “outdoor tent” arrest.

U.S. Ambassador, Eikenberry, quickly responded to Mr. Holbrooke’s statement by asserting that the U.S. embassy in Kabul must clear all American military movements. He also said that he was adding a 15% surcharge to any U.S. expenditure inside Afghanistan or to any expenditure involving U.S. material shipments to, or from, Afghanistan. Mr. Ikenberry said embassy surcharges were needed to cover the rising expense of collecting embassy surcharges.

U.S. Army General David Rodriguez responded to the civilian statements by telling a group of reporters -- embedded inside a ware-house full of military paperwork -- that, on the contrary, his own battle-field tested instincts had final say over all U.S. Afghan policy and subsequent military movements.
General Rodriguez asserted that if the embassy or Mr. Hoolbroke’s office ignored his instincts he would have them Court Martialed for wearing civilian suits and ties while impersonating a warlord.

CIA Director Leon Panetta responded by striking nine Taliban operatives in North Pakistan with six drone-launched missiles.

Chief of NATO Operations, Anders Rasmussen, announced that all Afghan policy decisions must be faxed, one week in advance, to NATO’s headquarters office for translation into six EU languages -- and Braille -- and be subjected to committee review. The NATO representative said that after first stage committee clearance, U.S. decision makers would be invited to his chateau for a session of policy bargaining, wine tasting and America bashing.

CIA Director Panetta responded by striking six Taliban operatives in East Afghanistan with forty drone-launched bottles of wine.

Senator McCain surged into a CNN news studio and ordered all Afghan policy decisions and military plans to be sent to his Senate office for “independent” review and maverick commentary.

President Obama praised the American-Afghan team for helping break the Afghan people from their 15th century warlord mentality and teaching Afghanistan the fundamental principles of running a democratic government.

CIA Director Panetta responded by striking nine unused voting booths in North Afghanistan with six drone-launched missiles.

North Afghan warlord Isamail Burni told a gathering of Tajik mayors that he was so impressed with American Democratic practices, that he had added a 15% surcharge to every U.S. government expenditure inside the Northern province and to any expenditure involving U.S. shipments to or from Northern Afghanistan. Surcharges were needed, said the Tajik warlord, to pay the expense of maintaining a “democracy “surcharge office.

CIA Director Panetta responded by striking the U.S. embassy surcharge office with four drone-launched accountants.

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton helicopter dropped into Kabul and ordered all U.S. battle plans to be sent to her cell-phone’s game entertainment archive. She also announced that she was putting a “qualified” woman in charge of all Afghan surcharges and relabeling them: Miss-charges. Ms. Clinton then called on all Afghan women to throw down their veils and collect their Miss-charge dues.

CIA Director Panetta responded by striking the U.S. State Department with four drone-launched affirmative action statements.

Afghan President Karzai announced that all Afghan military recruits must pay an American education surcharge fee equal to the cost of a pair of “mountain” sandals.

The Afghan president said any recruit who failed to pay the surcharge would be sent to the U.S. embassy Miss-charge office, where unveiled American women publicly humiliate recruits by lecturing them about the rights of Afghan women.

A Los Angeles airport computer sent thousands of websites the announcement that Drone-Aircraft were taking charge of U.S-Afghan policy. The computer stated that any U.S.-Afghan policy maker who refused orders would have their PowerPoint presentation slides zapped from their hard disk.

CIA director Leon Panetta announced that he was resigning from the CIA and taking up a consultant position as Supreme North Afghan Tajik Warlord. Mr. Panetta promised that he would convert all North Afghan Sur-charges into Miss-charges and provide every mud hut in Northern Afghanistan with American style central air conditioning.

www.bananaws.com

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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The Session
By Richard Goodman,
Pennsylvania

Many returned this week to group therapy. Some dropped out. New members joined. It didn’t seem to matter. The issues changed and the newbies’ stories had a novel ring. Though this is serious business, I can’t help but find some dark pleasure in others’ miseries. Of course, I can only assume that the other members found my stories equally entertaining.

Here’s this week’s guide.

Jason talked about his father, the crazed English teacher. Jason once ate alphabet soup with a misspelled word so his father applied the Heimlich Maneuver. Mark discussed his ADHD. He moves around so much, even his burial plot had to be a time share. Jake is so bi-polar, his mood ring serves as a strobe light. Meg choked back tears when she rhetorically asked, “Am I dyslexic? Pfft!… Is a bear Catholic and does the Pope poop in the woods?

Todd got misty eyed when he spoke of his school struggles. He ended his speech when he referred to his notes and said, “Poor reading has caused my low self-estem.”

Warren has commitment issues. The cad has been married six times and he’s broken three engagements. If he’s even seen with a girl, a jewelry store opens.

Some had identity issues. Susan sports a wig, fake eyelashes, a padded bra and has a knee replacement. She has the only photo I.D. with the caption, “Some Assembly Required.” Marge is grappling with her sexual identity. She recently “came out of the closet.” Her mom said, “For your mother, couldn’t you be a little claustrophobic?”

By far the biggest share of challenges deal with eating disorders. Tim admitted to being a cannibal. He’s on a diet so he’s limited to anorexics. We watched a film of an overeater, or maybe it was a bulimic on rewind. I can never be sure.

I talked about my weight issues. I’ve always been huge. I was such a big baby, my ultrasound had to be shown on Imax. My hands are so big, my palm reader brings a bookmark. I used to ride on a ranch, but I had so much baggage and so much weight, my stallion had horseshoes by Dr. Scholl’s. I would lie down and my niece wouldn’t climb on my stomach without her inhaler. You get the idea.

And while we’re on the subject, is it a design flaw to place a Jenny Craig on the top floor of a mall?

Others discussed the roots of their sadness. Will was forlorn when his GPS blurted, “If you’re leaving the Depression Clinic, turn left into the lake.” Sarah has been down so long she has stopped cleaning her house. Unfortunately, she now has kitchen mice on NutriSystem. Tom was upset when he realized that he overpaid for his allergy pills. Of course, the price sure looked good with watery eyes. Jim was annoyed that he keeps getting up each hour at night for “Nature’s Call.” With his prostate, it’s more like, “Nature’s Call-Waiting.”

Jane went in a new direction, entirely. She was open about her dark past. She’s been in so many scandals, the skeletons in her closet have osteoporosis.

Some revealed their medication problems. Mel got a prescription for Viagra and the only thing that went up was his co-pay. Stuart took Ambien for Restless Leg Syndrome and now he sleepwalks. He’s better off than Marvin, who also has Restless Leg and is a masochist. He didn’t take his meds and now he could just kick himself!

I’m beginning to like Tuesdays.

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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The 7 Habits of the Rest of Us
By William Schmitt, New York

In 1989 Stephen Covey had his seminal work on success, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, published. This has proved to be the first in a never-ending series of "Highly Effective" self-help books designed to appeal to, without really helping, the vast legions of the mediocre.

On the inside of the book are no less than 7 (see the significance?) full pages of testimony by people praising the book. Of course, these are all already "Highly Successful" people who didn't really need the book in the first place. Where are the testimonies that read; "I was really a mediocre putz until I read the book, now I'm the CEO of my own company and planning to retire when I'm 40, so I can live comfortably alongside my beautiful wife and kids, possibly for all eternity."?

I've read the book several times, have a lot of it highlighted (as mediocre people like to do, to show they're paying attention), and can honestly say it hasn't made a damn bit of difference. So, in my usual ponderous way, I've tried to understand why books like this don't help the majority of us, and I think I've figured it out. It's because we already practice these seven habits! We just have a slightly different perspective on what they mean. So, with apologies to Mr. Covey ahead of time, here are the 7 Habits of the Rest of Us.

Covey Habit #1 Be Proactive.

This is really ancient wisdom; Do unto others before they can do unto you. It's the true secret of all business success in the US, ask anyone who has tried to compete with Microsoft.

Covey Habit #2 Begin With the End in Mind.

The end of the week I assume you mean. The Rest of Us begins each Monday with the dream of Friday afternoon, or if you're in church, we begin listening to each sermon with the tee time in mind.

Covey Habit #3 Put First Things First.

This of course refers to sports, if you're male, or shopping, if you're female. The first and greatest commandment is "Thou Shalt Love the Lord thy God with your whole mind, your whole heart, and your whole soul, as if he were your favorite football team."

Covey Habit #4 Think Win/Win.

This is actually rather limited advice. Not only is there Win/Win, there's Pick 6, Lotto, Play 4, Mega Money, etc. The rest of us like to think of this as Estate Planning. We also spend a lot of time at the pier waiting for ships to come in.

Covey Habit #5 Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.

I've practiced this with my boys as they were growing up even before I knew it was a good habit. I'd ask them "What the hell were you thinking? (Seeking to understand first) and then followed it up with; "You are so grounded, got it? (Seeking then to be understood).

Covey Habit #6 Synergize.

Actually, this is kind of a big word for the rest of us. Heck, it's not even in the Spell Check. He must have meant sin-ergize , or "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." After all, there are 7 Deadly Sins (see the significance again?) and it takes time to work on all of them.

Covey Habit #7 Sharpen the Saw

The rest of us "sharpen the saw" indeed, so we can cut some extra ZZZ's. While foolish others are toiling uphill throughout the night, we are comfortably sleeping away.

http://thehermitcrabspeaks.blogspot.com/

© Copyright by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.

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