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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October/November 2009
Humor Writing Contest Results! |
Congratulations to
the Winners of our
October/ November 2009 Humor
Writing Contest!
The Leaning Pines Home for Aging Rock
Stars
By David Crawford, Canada
As general manager of the Leaning Pines Home for Aging Rock Stars, I
take great pride in keeping the lines of communication open with you
all. It is yet another reason why we are the preferred assisted living
destination among the aging rock star population.
To that end, I will be publishing this newsletter from time to time,
charting the various goings-on in our wonderful community. I hope you
enjoy this first edition, which was co-edited by a very young-looking
Mr. Rogers (Kenny, room 114)
• Staff report Mr. Floyd (Pink, room 113) has successfully used his
walker to move to the far side of the room. Well done Mr. Floyd!
• A set of dentures was found on the karaoke microphone this week.
Please ensure you take your personal belongings with you when finished
in the rec. room.
• We have heard from The Doobie Brothers! After moving from here, they
arrived safely at the China Grove Long Term Care Facility, down around
San Antone. Staff there report shortages of medical marijuana, as the
brothers heroically continue their battle with glaucoma, which has sadly
struck all members of the group.
• Mr. Jagger (Mick, room 110) threw his back out again in the garden
this morning. Staff saw him walking funny as he returned to his room so
they had no choice but to wet his lips and stick him to the window so he
doesn’t wander off again.
• New tenants Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show are being treated by Dr
Goldstein and The Nursing Squad. Their physical therapy includes
knitting hats for Mr. Jagger, or, as we call them here, covers for the
Rolling Stone.
• Mr. Cooper (Alice, room 109) has asked staff to please stop asking him
if he is alright. He reports he always looks that way. We have already
spoken to him about the snake he smuggled into his room last week, as
well as his growing black widow spider collection, both of which
contravene regulations.
• Clients are reminded to please wait their turn when hearing aid
batteries go on sale next week. ‘Rushing the stage’ tends to get all the
walkers tangled up.
• Mr. Seger (Bob, room 204) reports he had a successful night movement
yesterday. Way to go Mr. Seger!
• Mr. Plant (Robert, room 119) reports his trip to the bathroom had
“…been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.” Better luck next
time, Mr. Plant.
• Mr. Gibb (Barry, room 109) came down with a fever last Saturday night.
Quick intervention by staff prevented a tragedy. His hair is expected to
stay alive.
• Would whoever keeps stealing the Viagra pills from the dispensary
please refrain from doing so. We need these medications to prevent male
patients from rolling out of bed at night. These meds are not to be used
for ring toss games or towel hanging competitions.
• Maintenance staff report several gallons of black and white paint have
gone missing from the paint locker. Would Mr. Simmons, Mr. Stanley, Mr.
Criss and Mr. Frehley please report to the office.
• If anyone knows the whereabouts of Mr. Osbourne (Oswald, room 666),
last seen doddering off towards the main gate, please contact security.
Kitchen staff would also like to speak with him about the mutilated
chickens discovered in his room.
• Mr. Townshend (Peter, room 119) reports he has glued together the
ukulele he damaged during last week’s recital. He sincerely apologizes
for his behavior on stage.
• Pharmacy staff report that laxative medications were somehow switched
with the anti-diarrhea meds earlier this week, for which we are deeply
sorry. Clients who turned a deep purple as a result of this mix-up are
now a whiter shade of pale, much to our (and their) relief. Patients who
received the laxatives are asked to contact maintenance for repairs to
their bathroom ceilings and/or toilets. We apologize for the error.
That just about wraps up this first edition of the Leaning Pine News.
Our next issue will have pictures and highlights from this week’s big
Guitar Pick Tiddlywinks Tournament!
We’ll also have some tips on how to keep your hair from falling into
your custard at meal times.
Until then!
www.occasionalhumourist.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Politics
In America: A One Act Play
By Christopher Hivner, Pennsylvania
Cast of Characters:
Joe Miller: 44, used to have a programming job for a mid-sized software
company. His job went to China, now he works at Starbucks
Scene: Joe’s kitchen. He enters and turns on a small TV to listen to the
news while eating breakfast
CNN Headline News: A bill has been introduced in the House as a way to
say thank you to the American people for their support during these
trying times. The bill calls for the government to bake a cake for every
citizen. It’s called Have Your Cake and Eat it Too, bill HR 50766,
written and sponsored by several Democrats. The bill is 15,612 pages
long of which 15,611 pages have nothing to do with cakes and no one has
read them. If you want to read the entire bill you can find it at
www.thegovernmentwastingyourtime.gov.
The response from the Republicans has been swift.
Rush Limbaugh: This is a blatant attempt to sabotage the health of the
American people. I myself have recently lost over 1000 pounds and I
don’t want anything to do with this liberal confection.
Mitch McConnell: Why a cake? What if you like pie? I’d prefer to have a
nice elderberry pie. The Democrats say they want to say ‘thank you’ yet
they’re limiting our choices to cake. What if someone wants a cruller or
a torte or pudding or Jello? This is just another example of the
Democrats' limited thinking.
John Boehner: There is a provision in this bill that if you don’t have
the paper work filled out by December 31 someone in the government will
choose what kind of cake you get. What if they choose a chocolate cake
with peanut butter icing and you have a peanut allergy? This amounts to
nothing more than a death panel where someone in the government could
make a choice for you that could be deadly.
CNN Headline News: We asked the White House for a response.
White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs: This is just another distortion of
the truth. There is no provision for a deadline and no one in the
government is going to pick your cake for you. In fact, you don’t have to
participate in the program. If you don’t want a cake, don’t fill out the
paperwork.
CNN Headline News: There was a Tea Party protest today in Morgantown,
West Virginia. We asked one gentleman what he thought of the bill.
Protester: This bill says that I have to have a government-made cake! I
don’t want a government cake! If I want a cake I want one made by my
grandmamma! What’s happened to our freedoms?
CNN Headline News: White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs had this to say
when seeing that footage: “Again, for the 105th time, there is no
provision in the bill that forces anyone to take one of the cakes.”
Also today, the president addressed the press.
President Obama: We would like to have bi-partisan support for this
bill. To that end, we are willing to compromise and possibly add an
option for a fruit cup or a side salad.
CNN Headline news: We talked to the head of the ACLU this morning and
got this message.
ACLU spokesman: If there’s not going to be a cake then there is no point
in the bill. The whole idea was to say thank you to the American people.
You don’t say thank you with a fruit cup or a salad. You say it with a
big chunk of moist cake and sugary icing.
CNN Headline News: Of course the late night comedians had their say last
night.
David Letterman: In response to this Democratic bill, David Vitters from
Louisiana has introduced his own competing bill that calls for hookers
and Chevrolets for everyone.
CNN Headline News: Before we take a break, here is a roundup of other
comments and reactions.
Nancy Pelosi: Since my leadership is so polarizing and ineffectual, I
have no comment.
Michele Bachmann: Conspiracy!
Michael Steele: I have to find out from Rush how I feel about this bill.
I’ll get back to you.
Harry Reid: My opinion is, hey, where are you going? I have something to
say.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, am I in this administration?
Bill Clinton: Would I like a piece of cake? Absolutely. Served on a
19-year-old co-ed preferably. This is off the record right?
Joe turns off the TV.
Joe: Same crap, different day.
www.cosmicoverdrive.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Going
Green, Seeing Red
By Barry Parham, South Carolina
Another Earth Day has come and gone. Remember the throngs of humanity,
gathering in common purpose? The hopeful determination? The global
community, joining hand in hand, casting aside all petty differences to
collectively embrace a loving agenda to improve all of mankind?
Yeah, me neither.
As I recall, I spent most of Earth Day trying to avoid being killed by a
light bulb.
For average Americans to ever wrench themselves away from text-messaging
and focus on environmental things, environmental things must hire much
better marketing consultants. I finally decided to try one of the new,
non-threatening light bulbs – you know, one of those curly things that
looks like soft-serve ice cream, costs more than a tanning bed, and is
guaranteed to save me up to 12 cents between now and the formation of
any new continents.
Because I am exactly the type of very dull person who would do such a
thing, I read the light bulb packaging. Good grief! I’ve seen bottles of
rodent poison with less warnings. Should you ever drop the light bulb,
you have to immediately evacuate the premises and call in a Haz-Mat
team.
Basically, you simply can’t safely have one of these bulbs in your
house. And you can’t not have one, either, because you can’t just toss
them in the trash. When one of these wonder-bulbs finally does go dim
(Star Date 2820), you have to wrap the toxic thing in a bag, then wrap
that bag in a bag, tape the bag shut, contact an excommunicated priest,
yell some Latin at it, and bury it at midnight in the shadow of a
National Endowment for the Arts building.
And then there’s this eco-push for ATVs (Absurdly Tiny Vehicles). These
are the new super-sub-compact, alternatively-fueled, eco-friendly cars
that are made in America from reinforced aluminum foil, weigh
approximately as much as a case of lite beer, and will jet along at an
impressive 28 mph for nearly 10 whole minutes (actual frustration levels
may vary). After 10 minutes, of course, the owner must plug the car into
one of the handy roadside electrical outlets that don’t exist.
Alternatively, the owner may boil down some more corn, or replace the
gerbil. As a last resort, the stranded driver can simply crumple the car
into a little wad, shove it in a shirt pocket, and walk.
Congress is fully behind these new vehicle designs … and that alone
should give you a really powerful clue about the whole plan. Congress is
confident that everybody is eager to buy one of these overnight bags
with wheels, as soon as Detroit manages to design one that is actually
larger than the driver.
In a recent news piece, we were treated to a film clip of a simulated
crash between one of these micro-vehicles, tentatively named the Pontiac
‘Stunted Growth,’ and an actual car from Earth. It was awful. It was
like some special-effects scene that got cut from a ‘Die Hard’ sequel
for being overly violent. The not-quite-car never stood a chance, and
the poor test dummy ended up looking like something that had been
attacked by the flying monkeys from Oz. After the dust settled, I’m
pretty sure I saw the test dummy text-messaging his test lawyer.
To commemorate the latest Earth Day, President TeleBarack ObamaPrompter
flew, in a hope-filled way, more than halfway across the country, in
order to stand with hope in front of a bunch of hope-filled wind
turbines and read a TelePrompter script. After thanking himself, and
then introducing himself, and then thanking himself for inviting
himself, the President actually said, out loud, “next page.” Then the
President told us, in a hope-filled way, to do our part by not wasting
fuel, and that, by the way, he had just sold The Bronx and three
Republican-leaning states to Fiat. Had he simply misread his speech from
a TelePrompter in Washington, he himself would have not wasted some
10,000 gallons of fuel -– nearly as much as Nancy Pelosi’s entire monthly
budget.
And in my home town, on Earth Day, the recycling center was closed.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hate-Straws-offbeat-worldview/dp/1439254575
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Afghan
Fighters Adapt To Obama’s Military Strategy
By
Carlos Arnade,
Virginia
(Editor's Note: Some readers, perhaps
those with a military connection, may at first glance feel this entry is
inappropriate or offensive. Please note, however, that it is
satire, a deliberately provocative writing style that highlights the ridiculous by being even more ridiculous,
while seeming to be just as
serious as the original subject matter.)
To Be or Not May Be The Answer
Pashtun terrorists operating out of the mountainous regions of
Afghanistan have once again demonstrated an uncanny, and fluid like,
ability to adapt their methods and tactics to meet the challenges posed
by American Military Strategy. Specifically, in the past two months
Taliban fighter groups, operating in small constantly shifting groups of
three to 30 Pashtun, have incorporated Obama’s slow, deliberative
decision-making methods into their own fighting and contemplation
strategy. This was evidenced last week when a suicide bomber, wrapped
in a vest of explosive devices, forced his way onto a Kabul bus and, while
holding 68 terrified Kabul civilians hostage, read out loud, in perfect
Shakespearean English, Hamlet’s “To Be or Not To Be” soliloquy. He then,
in flawless Pashtu, demanded that bus riders take an American style
“Yay," or “Not To Be” vote on the matter, which he promised he would
factor into his decision, after radio consultation with suicide vest
salesmen and Afghan arms dealers.
Major General Humphrey Bogtrump explained:
“For centuries Pashtu fighters have proven themselves flexible in
adapting to the ever-changing ups, downs, and steep drops of the Hindu
Kush terrain as well as the ups, downs, and steep flops of their
enemies' fighting strategy. What the 'To Be Bus Bomber' has shown us is
that the Taliban fighters have outright adopted America’s military
strategy without even filling out the required paperwork.”
The General’s statement was reinforced the next day by a group of nine
Taliban attackers who fired two rocket-launched grenades into a crowded Kandahar market, charged, and then stopped to debate. An Afghan bird
cage vendor who overhead the attackers told American military officials
that the attackers were arguing whether they should, instead, be
attacking a marketplace in Pakistan:
“I heard one of the Taliban attackers shout: ’No no, the Western
burgers, greasy fries and loose change problem originates in Pakistan.
Why are we attacking the wrong country?’ ."
The bird cage vendor said that one particularly stubborn Taliban fighter
threatened a “filibuster” by reading the names of every Kandahar street
until ammunition and funding for the marketplace attack was cut off:
“I heard a Taliban attacker insist that he would fire his rocket at the
police station across the street, only if, in return, his fellow
attackers voted to increase agricultural subsidies to Afghan pistachio
farmers.”
Major General Bogtrump’s assistant, Corporal Roberto Jackson, known as
“Jack-Slant,” made the following statement to American newspaper
reporters:
“What the General meant to say a few days ago is that it looks like our
program of teaching American Democracy to a people living in the 14th
Afghan century is working.”
Corporal Roberto Jackson’s assistant, Private Jack Roberts, known as
“Jack-Straight,” clarified his boss’s statement to parakeets and
reporters:
“It looks like the enemy is adapting to our strategy by imitating it,
and thus, have been provided with all the benefits and flaws of the
American system.”
As if to corroborate Private Robert’s statement, a group of 87 Taliban
fighters, from Afghanistan and Pakistan, were caught six hours later
sneaking into Iraq.
The American press widely quoted a Kandahar parakeet squawking “imitate,
imitate, imitate” while the European quoted another Kandahar parakeet
shouting: “USDA Pistachio subsidies, please, thank you, democracy.”
Meanwhile, after viewing an extreme version of Hamlet for 72 hours, Kabul bus riders were released and provided with promissory “To
Be” notes. Afghan police were “distantly” following the
suicide-vest-wearing “Hamlet bomber” across Kabul as he continued to
deliberate and recite Shakespeare to terrified audiences. Four London
and two New York theater directors expressed interest in auditioning the
“Kabul Hamlet Bomber” for leading roles in upcoming Shakespearean plays,
while theater directors worldwide praised the Taliban bomber’s “genius”
for discovering a whole new genre of extreme theater, and have expressed
interest in putting on their own extreme versions of Hamlet.
In light of the Taliban’s new strategy of deliberation and imitation,
White House and American Defense Department officials promised a
38-week, 46-person, 12-agency panel review of US global military
strategy. An official, who refused to be named, said given the Taliban’s
new strategy of imitation, a plan for complete American withdrawal of
troops from Afghanistan might be considered as a fighting option, but
only after consultation with vested-interest salesmen and American arms
dealers.
Meanwhile, theater attendance across the world has fallen, while
Shakespearean enactments, with both human and parakeet casts, at bus
stations around the world, have risen “dramatically.”
www.bananaws.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Anesthesia
Anyone?
By
Kathy Welch,
Nevada
While vacationing in Las Vegas recently,
my husband was admitted to the hospital for acute pancreatitis. He was
almost readmitted to a local hospital for a heart attack when he
received the bill in the mail. The following is a telephone conversation
that took place regarding that bill:
Billing, Wanda speaking.
My name is Dean Welch. I’m calling about my hospital bill.
Wanda: We’re in the middle of remodeling. Pretty noisy. You’ll have to
speak up.
Dean: I’m rather weak from my surgery but okay.
Wanda: I can’t wait until this construction is over. Our new employee
nightclub called Anesthesia is gonna be fab.
Dean: I noticed construction going on while I was there. I figured maybe
a cancer wing.
Wanda: We don’t need another one of those. So what can I do for you, Mr.
Welch?
Dean: I can’t figure out how four days in the hospital amounts to
$179,000.
Wanda: $179,000?
Dean: Ridiculous, right?
Wanda: I was gonna say, you obviously got a discount.
Dean: Discount! Room and board alone is $50,000. My room didn’t even
come close to Motel 6 standards. And board, let’s see I got fed …
NOTHING except an IV drip. You’d think Wolfgang Puck catered gourmet
IV’s to your hospital.
Wanda: Great idea! We tried to get him for our grand opening but he’s
busy.
Dean: Whatever. Now, why am I being billed for three surgeries? I didn’t
even have my gallbladder out there. I waited until I got home.
Wanda: Are you sure you didn’t have three surgeries? You said you were
awful weak.
Dean: I know where I had my ONE surgery. You people prey on the
uninsured, the…
Wanda: But I see you have insurance.
Dean: But I was outside my network therefore the insurance doesn’t
cover…
Wanda: Never go outside the network.
Dean: But I was on vacation when I got sick.
Wanda: Probably should have waited until you got home to get sick.
Dean: Listen, I’m being charged for three surgeries I didn’t have, and
six CT scans. I had one. And that was after Nurse Ratched put me in a
headlock when I refused. I’m also being charged for a mammogram and two
pap smears. Last time I checked I didn’t have any lady parts. And get
this—a colon cleansing. I would have remembered that.
Wanda: I’m taking a psych course at the community college and I’ve
learned that sometimes we block out unpleasant experiences. Like the
time I accidentally flushed my cell phone down the toilet with unopened
text messages. I still have to block it out.
Dean: I wish I could block the whole stay out. I was well enough to go
home two days later but they refused to discharge me. They kept me a
prisoner so they could inflate my bill. I was even charged $350 for a
toothbrush.
Wanda: That $350 gets you two VIP passes to opening night of our
Nightclub Anesthesia on January 22. Can I put you down?
Dean: I can’t believe this!
Wanda: I know. We’re the only hospital to have this amenity. They’re
trying to get Lady Gaga for the opening.
Dean: Lady who? I’m sure all my pumped up charges are paying for your
stupid nightclub.
Wanda: Let me see. No. But your roommate Mr. Swanson is paying for the
disco ball and the private lounge. Your charges are paying for the Chief
of Surgery’s divorce. Seems his wife took him for everything.
Dean: I’m paying for some Doctor’s divorce. You’re admitting these
charges aren’t valid.
Wanda: They’re extremely valid. It’s called overhead. Necessities to
help our business run better.
Dean: Since when are a divorce and a nightclub necessities?
Wanda: Obviously, you’ve never met Mrs. Chief of Surgery and Anesthesia
is a welcome necessity to relieve the stress of the devoted men and
women of this hospital.
Dean: I wish I had some anesthesia to get through this.
Wanda: If you attend our grand opening, you can pay $2000 to enter our
private lounge, choose an anesthesiologist and how long you’d like to be
knocked out. It’s our way of helping you forget your hospital bill for a
little while.
Dean: I knew our health care system was screwed up but I didn’t realize
how badly until now.
Wanda: That’s why we’re here, to help you through it.
Dean: I’m going to hang up now and flush this cell phone down the
toilet. Then maybe I can block you out forever.
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