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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August/September 2009
Humor Writing Contest Results! |
Congratulations to
the Winners of our
August/
September 2009 Humor
Writing Contest!
Offspring Of The Marvel/Disney Marriage
By Joel Schwartzberg, New Jersey
One of the biggest reasons The Walt Disney Company acquired Marvel
Entertainment was to boost Disney’s attraction to boys. But strategy is
one thing, successful execution another. While they’re busy figuring out
how to tell The Hulk he now reports to Mickey Mouse, I’m suggesting some
new shows and movies that leverage the best of both brands.
1) "Mutant School Musical!"
Can Wolverine and Jean Grey shed their super-stereotypes and audition
for the big musical talent show at Xavier's School for Gifted
Youngsters? Ashley Tisdale guest stars as a mutant blessed with the
ability to generate media exposure doing absolutely nothing.
2) "My Two Iron Dads"
In an update of the late 80’s Disney/ABC hit "My Two Dads," Miley Cyrus
stars as the child of either Iron Man or Wall-E. Because it’s unknown
which is her true biological father, they each share custody. In the
pilot, Iron Man and Wall-E point fingers of blame at each other for
Cyrus’ sudden affection for metal stripper poles.
3) "Jonah & Jonas"
When Spider-Man’s curmudgeonly J. Jonah Jameson’s newspaper goes
online-only, he switches gears and ends up managing the ever-peppy Jonas
Brothers on their world tour. Mayhem ensues as the four learn much about
each other... and themselves.
4) "Super Wife Swap"
Disney/ABC revamps its popular reality series, this time swapping The
Incredibles’ Helen with The Fantastic Four’s Susan Storm. Can Mr.
Fantastic be flexible with Elastigirl? Will Mr. Incredible see right
through Invisible Girl? Tune in to find out.
5) "Iron Chef"
In a freak laboratory accident, Iron Man’s genes are fused with those of
Disney-owned Muppet The Swedish Chef. Now the "Iron Chef" travels around
the country fighting crime with his hands and cooking eggs on his chest.
6) "The Suite Life of Captain America, Jr."
Captain America’s rebellious teen son rejects everything about Dad...
except the cool bike. Stars Cole Sprouse from "The Secret Life of Zack
and Cody" and Selena Gomez just because.
7) "The Secret Identity Club"
Marvel’s Spiderman, The Hulk, and Daredevil think they have the Secret
Identity Club all to themselves, when in walks… Hannah Montana! She
wants to be a member, and the heroes now have to choose between giving
up their secrets or their integrity.
8) "Romeo & Juliet 2: Namor and Ariel"
Marvel’s the Sub Mariner (played by Billy Ray Cyrus) and Disney’s The
Little Mermaid (played by Vanessa Hudgens) defy the odds but not their
own hearts in this tender if creepy romance.
9) "That’s So Ravens!"
Marvel’s obscure Red Raven and White Raven superheroes absorb The Disney
Channel’s Raven Baxter’s ability to see into the future, but mayhem
ensues when they see their own show being canceled. "Never more!" quote
the Ravens.
10) "Even MORE Stevens"
The Stevens family of "Even Stevens" fame discover they are related to
none other than Steven Rogers, also known as Captain America. Rogers
eagerly adopts the family’s surname, becoming Steven Stevens. Facing
scorn with such a ridiculous name, Steven leaves the house with Ren
Stevens, having recognized her voice as that of Disney’s "Kim Possible."
In the works is a spin-off: "Captain Kim Possible Stevens America".
www.joelschwartzberg.net
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Callous
Remarks
By David Crawford, Canada
My bare feet were making a funny “Rrrip-Rrrip” sound as I walked across
the carpet.
Looking down, I discovered the edges of my heels resembled barnacles,
and it was these crustaceans that were snagging the broadloom like
Velcro.
Since I am a true do-it-yourselfer, I checked to see if my wife had any
technology that I could use to fix this problem – a potentially ticklish
issue.
For example, women have this device they use to bend their eyelashes. My
kids and I think this lashbender thing would be useful as an insect
guillotine and are looking forward to using it in that role. Don’t say
anything.
The only useful thing I found in her Mysterious Female Ablution
Accessories Drawer, though, was a wooden paddle with sandpaper attached
to both sides.
“I can beat that,” I thought, and raced to my workshop, trying to ignore
the erotic possibilities my brain was thinking up for a wooden paddle
with sandpaper on both sides. Nevermind.
I dove into the abrasives drawer and grabbed some commercial grade,
diamond grit sandpaper.
As professionals know, sanding is important for a fine finish and this
rugged paper would get the job done in manly fashion.
Now decision number two loomed: power or manual? Do I get out the trusty
orbital, palm, or belt sander? Or should I just see how it goes
freehand?
A vibrating tool in any mans hand can be dangerous at the best of times.
What if my feet burst into flames? What if I had multiple orgasms?
Heavens.
I decided I would tackle this job free-hand and see what happened.
I began to fret: do I sand with the grain, or across it? Do foot
barnacles even have grain? What is the price of grain anyway? I had to
focus.
Thinking it would help to soften up the raw material, I sat on the edge
of the bath, feet immersed in warm, soapy water (lavender scented if you
must know), reading a magazine, feeling downright contemplative. I was
tempted to light a candle.
Then came the moment of truth. I removed foot number one from the water
and placed it in the bench vise I had conveniently clamped to the side
of the tub.
Bending to my task, a dreadful rasping sound rent the air, followed by a
plume of skin-bits, barnacle flakes, sweat, sawdust and talcum powder, a
jar of which I spilled while vigorously assaulting my cracked and
turtle-like skin. A smell, reminiscent of lavender-scented bacon, filled
the house.
Now, I have worked with pine and mahogany and oak before, but never
bunion. I felt like an artist, a post-modern Michelangelo, sculpting in
a new and exciting medium – callous!
Well it worked just fine – my heels emerged silky smooth and the
operation was a complete success. Hardly any blood, only a thin layer of
dust everywhere, and now I no longer leave a trail of scratches across
the hardwood floor.
Carpets no longer hamper me. My shoes fit better.
Life and barefoot locomotion are wonderful again.
I’m curious, though: How often will my feet need a new coat of varnish?
www.occasionalhumourist.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 The
"S" Word
By Ann Thomas,
California
One amazing gift of becoming Unmistakably Old is free time. Past a
certain age people assume you’re supposed to do little or nothing,
exempting you from snide comments when you sit around, appearing to do
nothing. Recently, during my sitting around time, I began to think about
sex, and came to realize that sex is one of the major surprises of old
age. There is a general belief that once a person reaches some age –
probably whenever they look old, sex magically disappears from
awareness, as if some internal delete button is triggered. Because
that’s what people believe, that’s what they tend to see, which of
course allows those of us who appear old to have an enormous amount of
undetected fun.
It is true, however, that there are changes that occur with the passage
of time. No longer is sex an Olympic-qualifying event. At the same time
it’s important to highlight that sex remains a very physical activity.
Think about it! Sex, done right, accelerates heart rate, involves
repeated stretching/contracting of muscles, and in general increases
stamina. It amazes me it isn’t a hot topic for geriatric fitness
experts.
Timing is also an issue. Although sex at the end of the day is an
age-old tradition, evening sex is risky. Sure we all have images of
candlelit dinners, a romantic glass of wine, and then a fade-out to the
bedroom. It’s a scene printed on the celluloid of our minds by hours in
movie houses, but as mature adults we have to face facts. Most of us
can’t stay awake that late, and a glass of wine is often as effective as
a sleeping pill.
Another old rule that falls apart with age is the one that says that sex
needs to wait until marriage. Now I’m as concerned as the next person
about morality and commitment, and observing at least some of the
societal rules, but facts are facts. The world is filled with single old
people who, should they marry, give up one Social Security check. While
Social Security may not be what my grandchildren call big bucks, it’s
important income for most of us, and I frankly can’t think of any
partner who’s worth that much money.
Another traditional rule that certainly doesn’t work for the old is the
rule that says, take your time getting to know someone, and don’t appear
too eager. That may be a good idea at twenty, but once one has arrived
at old, those who take their time stand a good chance of running out of
time. Indian Summer is a short season.
Then there is the visual image. We old have arrived at the time of life
when “moving south” is a description of the body’s muscles rather than a
search for a retirement community. If a muscle can sag, it has-- not a
pretty sight, and until one adjusts, there need to be alternatives. Sex
in the dark – sleep interferes. Sex with clothes on – one misses half
the fun. Poor eyesight helps, but lots of older people still have 20/20
vision. Blindfolds are too kinky for a lot of people. Recognizing that
these superficial attributes are just that – superficial, is the only
real solution, but it’s a solution that takes time. Until that happens,
the following suggestions may help.
1.Begin by selecting a partner whose body has sagged further than yours
so you can be generous-minded. In that way you are setting a tone of
acceptance. Besides, it’s nice to be the best looking one in the room.
2. Avoid whenever possible the on-top position. The pull of gravity
creates a bulldog effect on the facial muscles of the person looking
down. Scary!
3. Even through it’s probably daytime, choose a place with as dim
lighting as possible. Curtains help. You can never count on a partner to
keep their eyes closed. Most cheat!
No doubt about it, while age brings unique problems to work around,
being old can be a real estrogen/testosterone whirlwind. So the next
time you pass an old person who appears to be sitting, lost in thought,
perhaps you’ll give a little smile of recognition.
www.dr-annthomas.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 When
A Road Warrior Marries A Road Wimp
By
Cindy P.,
Minnesota
(Author's last name withheld by request)
There are good travelers and bad travelers, road warriors and road
wimps, those who think the highway is a paved adventure and those who
know that Adolf Hitler is spending eternity stuck on the Pennsylvania
turnpike.
Ours is a mixed marriage. My husband's idea of a vacation is driving
2,800 miles, whereas I can't relax in a bucket seat unless it's ejected
from the vehicle and sitting on a beach. But marriage is about
compromise, so I agreed to drive to the East Coast and he agreed to do
everything my way for the next 50 years.
Road warriors are easily entertained. They get excited over things like
crossing a state line or seeing an Oklahoma license plate. Road wimps
sit quietly in a stupor, watching the white lines and wondering if life
would be better if they opened the car door and jumped out.
The Midwest is a bad place to start a road trip because you're trapped
in the grain belt. There's Iowa. Nebraska. Kansas. Illinois. States only
a corn borer could love.
As we crossed the Illinois border, my husband explained to the children
that Lincoln was buried there. I tried. I really tried. I visualized and
strained, but I just couldn't stir up enthusiasm about Lincoln's corpse
rotting away inside state boundaries.
As we escaped Illinois, a sign said 'Thank you for using the Illinois
Tollway.' Like it was a favor or something. If you're in Minnesota and
want to reach Kentucky, you're stuck with Illinois. The best thing you
can say about Illinois is that it isn't Arkansas.
It's a myth that children keep asking 'Are we there, yet?' That's only
on trips of short duration. After about 200 miles or so, the kids stop
asking and attack each other instead, fighting over the purple jellybean
under the driver's seat. Meanwhile, their excess energy builds up like
static electricity until the energy time bomb explodes at 11:54 p.m. in
the hotel room.
I eat a lot on the road. I'm not sure why. Boredom. Anxiety, maybe. Food
helps to measure distance. Ohio is a great big pot belly of a state -
it's approximately 3,243 Tic Tacs wide.
You burn no calories, sitting for hours moving nothing but your eyelids,
yet somehow life seems more worthwhile if you buy a bag of stale candy
at a rest stop. I accidentally swallowed a peanut M&M whole, and
agonized for miles while the peanut gallstone worked its way down my
pipes. Then I missed the diversion.
People are friendlier in Southern states. They hand you your McDonald's
coffee sweetened with 'Here ya go, darlin'.' Except Virginia is fairly
hostile to drivers - they've got signs that say 'Speed limit enforced by
aircraft.' We got lucky. We weren't attacked by fighter jets - not even
once.
Tolls are a nuisance. In Illinois, you pay a 15-cent toll, drive 10
miles, then get hit with a 40-cent toll. Why don't they just collect 55
cents and be done with it?
Then there's West Virginia, which extorts heavy tolls from anybody
passing through its borders, especially drivers lucky enough to come
from states that have actual economies.
At least West Virginia is nice to look at, although it's too hilly. A
perfect driving state has no tolls, no road construction, plenty of rest
stops, great scenery and a narrow girth. I imagine that, if not for the
ocean thing, Hawaii would be the perfect state to drive through. It
would be a really fine idea for Congress to develop a bipartisan
initiative to replace Ohio with Hawaii.
By the end of the trip, our vehicle gasping for its second oil change in
a month, we're much more appreciative of the simpler things in life.
Rest stops with toilet paper. Idiotic word searches that kill 13 minutes
before nausea kicks in. Tailwinds that scrape bug splat off the
windshield.
We're also poorer. Fatter. Wiser. Stupider. And much closer as a family,
having survived two weeks together in the asphalt trenches.
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 POLIanTICS:
A Primer for Those Who Don't Know Their Left From Their Right
By
William Schmitt,
New York
The French political philosopher, Alexis
De Tocqueville, said that in a democracy, “We get the government we
deserve.” That's why people don't like the French, they always blame the
victim. I thought of this quote when I read an article that stated that
elected officials scored 44 out of a hundred on a basic government
knowledge quiz. They FAILED a test on the basic government structure
that they are a part of. The non-government people who took this same
quiz scored a 49, so according to Al we're not quite getting all of our
bang for our buck, though almost. This quiz doesn't include high school
seniors, who picked Tehran as the place where the lunar orbiter landed.
So it occurred to me that we need a little primer on how our government
is structured and how it works, and since we can't expect anyone who
actually works in it to explain it, I guess that leaves it up to me.
Our government consists of three parts; The President, the Senate and
the House of Representatives. To understand how they function together
it is easier to think of them as Moe, Larry and Curly. If you've ever
watched how those three accomplished their goals you will have a pretty
good idea of how the government operates.
The House of Representatives is made up of over 400 local
representatives, each representing a district. Each district is made up
of two kinds of people;
1.Those who voted for you, known as constituents.
2.Those who voted against you, known as radical buffoons.
The Senate has two representatives from each state. This means that a
state like Rhode Island, which is about the size of the basement in the
Empire State Building, gets the same amount of representation as real
states like Texas and California. Even toy states like Alaska and Hawaii
get two. Senators are voted in for life, there are several who were
elected during the Civil War and are still serving.
The President, on the other hand, represents all the people, whether
they work for big rich corporations or big rich unions. This is known as
bipartisanship.
These elected officials belong to Parties, which describes pretty well
what they do all day. The parties are divided into two groups; the
Democrats and Republicans. The difference between the Republicans and
the Democrats is about the same difference as between Coke and Pepsi.
You might love one and hate the other, but in the end you are left with
something that will rot your teeth over time. The Republican Party is
represented by the logo of an Elephant, an animal known for running over
things in a blind rage while making a god-awful lot of noise. The
Democrats logo is a jackass, which is more self-explanatory.
The two parties further divide themselves along Ideological lines;
either Liberals or Conservatives. The Liberals are considered the Left
Wing while the Conservatives are considered the Right Wing. They don't
say the left and right wing of what, but I think Ben Franklin left us a
clue when he wanted to make the national symbol the turkey. Liberals
think that Conservatives are anal-retentive, Cro Magnons who didn't get
enough mother's milk as a child. Conservatives think that Liberals are
namby-pamby Peter Pansies who think the government is Tinkerbell, and
money is fairy dust. Both opinions are fairly accurate.
The elected officials' entire purpose in life is to pass LAWS, otherwise
known as “Rules that other people have to live by.” This is because
Congress exempts itself from having to do what other people are required
to do. This doesn't mean that they have no standards, however, as there
is both a House and Senate Ethics Committee. If a member “breaks” a rule
he must face the disciplinary wrath of the Ethics Committee. This is
like the time when my older son was about six, and being the model
parents we were, we let him choose his own punishment for one of his
moral infractions. After much deliberation he said; “You can slap my
hand... tomorrow.” The Ethics Committee is like this but not as harsh.
I hope that this has proved helpful. I also hope that you were paying
attention because there will be a test. If you get stuck on a question
just remind yourself of your two options; you can either get it right or
you can get elected.
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