|
|
|
| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
June/July 2009
Humor Writing Contest Results! |
Congratulations to
all Finalists in our
June/ July 2009 Humor
Writing Contest!
(Listed alphabetically by author.)
The Relationship
Stimulus Plan
By
Eric
Kester,
Massachusetts
Immediately after graduating from Harvard last spring, I traded my
cap and gown for a business suit. Undeterred by the sinking economy and
eager to begin a rewarding career, I accepted a position at my dream
workplace. I was an intern, which meant that I had a full-time job that
lacked health benefits or a desk chair with wheels.
When my supervisor called me into her office to explain that the
multi-million dollar company could no longer endure the fiscal burden of
my $8 an hour salary, I was awarded with the distinction of getting
fired from a job that I never technically had to begin with.
At first I didn’t tell my girlfriend, Leigh, that I had been laid off.
She bought my charade for a few weeks, but eventually my unemployed
lifestyle aroused her suspicion. She began to pepper me with questions:
“Why did you switch our Netflix subscription from ‘2 DVDs per month’ to
‘Unlimited’? What do you mean you’re selling your car to adopt a Green
lifestyle? Why are you growing a beard? Are those Doritos crumbs stuck
in it?”
Unable to devise reasonable responses to these inquires, I was left no
choice but to admit to Leigh that she was officially dating a deadbeat.
To my relief, she was very supportive and explained to me that she knew
all along about my firing. Apparently I gave myself away when I suddenly
stopped doing little things like combing my hair or going to work.
To my surprise, Leigh hasn’t left me during this “transitional period”
of my life where my only source of income in the last four months has
been my fantasy football winnings. She has hardly complained about my
new lifestyle –an incredible display of patience considering that I now
live at home with my parents, where I can have myself a “busy day”
simply by taking shower. Women don’t typically date guys whose bedroom
is covered in rocking-horse wallpaper, so I feel very fortunate that my
relationship has survived.
I attribute my miraculous success in maintaining a relationship to my
ability of dating on a budget. Currently men across the nation are faced
with the daunting task of keeping their love interest happy during this
economic crisis. We understand the importance of spending money on our
girlfriends and wives –we have to thank them for settling for us, after
all –but suddenly we can no longer afford that $50 bouquet of flowers
every time we screw up.
Fortunately, I’ve discovered a number of creative ways to keep a
girlfriend satisfied on a light wallet. For instance, I’ll surprise
Leigh at work for a midday movie date. She’ll rave about my romantic
spontaneity, and putting a smile on her face feels almost as good as the
matinee discount. (I initially tried to scratch her movie itch while
saving cash by purchasing “The NeverEnding Story”. It was only 97
minutes. What a rip off.)
The outdoors is a prime location for a romantic yet cost-effective date.
I treated Leigh to a lovely picnic in the park and she appeared
thoroughly impressed with my homemade cuisine. She adored me for cooking
for her, and she was oblivious to the fact that the meal didn’t cost me
a dime. Evidently the week-old leftovers from my mom’s “Mexican
Surprise” had remained appetizing.
I’ve found that dating on a budget forces you to swallow your pride on
occasion. It may seem imprudent, but when we are out at clubs I’ll
actually allow other guys to buy drinks for Leigh. In fact, I encourage
it. “Hey man, I think you might have a shot with that girl over there,”
I’ll say. “I overheard her talking about you. She also mentioned that
she was craving an Appletini and a Guinness.”
If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a full-time couch potato, it’s that
your sense of humor is recession-proof. Humor is free and when a woman
is laughing it indicates that she’s enjoying your company and not
dwelling on negatives, like how the sour cream in her taco salad tastes
a bit funky. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been doing a terrific job at
using humor to keep my relationship going strong. In fact, just the
other day Leigh told me that my life is a big joke.
www.erickester.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
 Weighting
Around
By
Jeanne Kraus,
Florida
The George and Jeanne lifestyle centers
around eating, sleeping and watching TV. As we reclined on the sofa, our
protruding stomachs made great book holders. In retrospect, this was not
good. We decided to create our own diet plan without consulting any
so-called experts.
George and Jeanne’s Weight Loss Plan
• Buy books about healthy cooking. Read them.
• Throw out unhealthy foods.
• Replace them with healthy foods.
• Eat healthy foods.
• Lose weight. Be happy.
• Buy tons of new clothes.
There were at least a gazillion diet books in the book store. We sorted
through the ones on the Clearance Rack but wondered…
1. Why were they on Clearance?
2. Maybe the diet didn’t work. Maybe people got fatter.
3. Maybe people actually died trying those Clearance recipes.
Cheap diet books seemed like invitations to failure. Five full-priced
books later, we headed home. For the next few days, I pored over the
books, putting colorful page holders on the pages with edible recipes on
them. Anything with non-pronounceable ingredients were immediately
discarded. Anything that took more than 15 minutes to make was
eliminated.
We cleaned out all the unhealthy food in our cabinets and pantry.
Unhealthy food was defined as snacks, desserts, anything that tastes
really good and that we like to eat just before bed.
Then we tackled the refrigerator. We collected 3 huge garbage bags full
of unhealthy food we donated to my son, Cory, who loves nutritionally
deficient food. Then we took inventory of what we had left.
Inventory of Healthy Foods
1 bag limp carrots
1 wrinkled green pepper
2 onions
Outdated egg substitutes
1 speckled Granny Smith apple
2 mooshy bananas
water
It was obvious we needed some healthy food. We were on a mission to
better living.
George tossed a loaf of bread in the cart.
Me: “That’s not healthy bread.”
George, determined to complete the shopping in 5 minutes. “It says
Healthy right here.”
He pointed to the wrapper where, indeed, it did say Healthy.
Me: “It has to have whole grains in it.”
I picked up a dense loaf of bread that weighed 15 pounds. I tossed it in
the cart where it flattened the package of green grapes.
George: “We need cereal.”
He was striding in his manly way to the cereal aisle. I struggled to
keep up but the weight of the bread slowed the cart down, flattening a
tire.
George looked up and down and selected a box. “There! Part of a healthy
breakfast!”
Me: “George, did you read these ingredients? 14 words mean sugar in the
ingredients panel. There’s enough carbohydrates to inflate a hot air
balloon the size of North Dakota.”
George spoke in an injured tone. “It says that it’s part of a healthy
breakfast!”
Me: “It is. It’s the unhealthy part. You have to have healthy stuff with
it.”
George was getting surly. “What do you want me to do?”
Me: “I really need help on the fruits and vegetables from produce.”
That would keep him busy for 10-15 minutes.
It was not meant to be. In 4 minutes flat, George returned with an
armful of celery, broccoflower, asparagus, endive, tomatoes, some
plantains, plums and 3 stalks of sugarcane. And who buys sugarcane? He
said it was good for fiber. Good for beavers maybe.
We spent $200.00, $50.00 which could have been refunded if I had
remembered my coupons. We went home and put away the new healthy food.
Me: “We have to drink tons of water. It makes you pee the fat away.”
George: “I don’t like water.”
Me: “What do you mean? Water has no taste.”
George: “It makes me gag.”
Me: “How can something with no taste make you gag? That makes no sense.”
For 2 weeks, we followed the recipes. I took lunches to work, avoided
sugar and carbohydrates such as cookies, cakes and desserts that make
you die.
One day, Monday, March 13th, the George and Jeanne ceased to exist. We
don’t know why.
This prompted a Meaningful Conversations.
Me: “George, this isn’t working.”
George: “What?”
I looked at George, disbelieving. “We are eating junk food. My pants are
too tight. And your spare tire has grown.”
George looked down. “Oh, that!”
So far being in my 50’s is not fun. I have to eat healthy foods and
exercise. My medicine chest resembles an extra room and all my clothes
have expandable waistbands. I’m just wondering… what’s going to happen
at 60?
www.jeannekraus.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
A
(Hopefully) Healthy Helping Of News
By
Shane McAfee,
New York
Recently, news has hit our country
warning us of a new flu virus. The virus is called H1N1 or the swine
flu. The term, swine flu, originates from the fact that the genes in
this virus are very similar to influenza viruses found in pigs in North
America.
Sadly, many pigs who contract this virus never recover. This is due to
the fact that most pigs rebuff doctor’s orders to get rest, get plenty
of fluids, and take prescribed medication. Most pigs, instead, choose to
continue their diet of trash and carrion as well as playing in mud.
Swine are nothing if not strong-willed.
There have been many consequences of the swine flu hitting our country.
The travel industry has taken a hit. Many have been leery of consuming
pork. On top of all of this, parents are afraid to play “This Little
Piggy” with their children out of fear of contracting the virus. Even in
my workplace, signs began cropping up in the restrooms reminding one and
all the rules of basic hygiene. I find this disturbing for several
reasons. Why, pray tell, does such signage only go up during a health
crisis? Why is it that grown adults need to be reminded to wash their
hands and cover their mouths whenever they cough or sneeze? Why is it
that these rules only apply in the restrooms? Surely, one is not to
start coughing and sneezing willy-nilly with unclean hands the minute
they leave a public restroom. Speaking of public restrooms, why is it
that only the employees of stores and restaurants are reminded to wash
their hands before leaving said restrooms?
Now, I come to the reason behind this writing. I would like to provide
for you the following list of influenza strains that have cropped up in
recent years. In addition to swine flu or H1N1, there are the following:
· There are several strains of NE1 strains including:
o C4NE1 - This strain results from exposure to certain plastics. C4NE1
hits sufferers hard with explosive symptoms.
o 10SNE1 - This flu strain tends to hit athletic types who are members
of a home owner's association (HOA). Rumors that the strain is
contracted via the alligator sewn onto the sufferer's knit shirt have
been proven to be an urban myth.
o NE1NE1 - This flu strain leaves suffers with a feeling of extreme
solitude.
· A1H57 - A flu strain contracted due to exposure to certain steak
sauces. Vegetarians rarely, if ever, contract this strain.
· B9V8 - A non-life threatening strain brought on by consuming vegetable
juices. Contrary to A1H57, this strain is widespread among vegetarians
while very few butchers suffer from it.
· CBGB1234 - This is a very mild strain contracted by overexposure to
1970's punk rock music. Rest in a quiet peaceful environment can provide
relief in as little as ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR days.
· D2R2 - This flu strain causes an insatiable desire to watch classic
sci-fi movies in reverse. Good, restful sleep is recommended. Popular
home remedies include taking herbal melatonin or viewing "Terms of
Endearment".
· F1F12 - This flu strain has manifest itself primarily in people
working in the information technology (IT) industry. This strain is
passed to sufferers via the uppermost computer keyboard "hotkeys".
Treatment for F1F12 can be treated in the same manner as a normal
influenza strain. Some, however, use a medication called C-A-F8. C-A-F8
provides sufferers with a controlled, alternative, safe mode of
recovering from this virus.
It is my fervent hope that, upon review of the aforementioned strains,
the world is a more informed place. So please, I ask of you; wash your
hands, cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and pass this
information along to your friends and loved ones. As always, consult
with your doctor if you have any concerns. This is not a substitute for
proper medical care. Four out of five doctors dismiss medical
information provided by the writer of a humor blog. I do hope, however,
that you have a laugh or two from this writing as you sit in the waiting
room with a bunch of sick folks.
http://bdgjm.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
Cry
Of The Humor Writer
By Amanda O'Brien, Tennessee
For a humor writer I sure cry an awful lot. Ever since I gave birth to
my first son, my eyes have been little brown geysers just waiting to
blow.
I don’t even have to know you to be moved to tears by you. Just show me
some neighborhood children walking to school with their parents, and I’m
all, look at them going off to school. They’re still babies.
Soldiers in uniform: My God, they’re just babies!
Babies: Maaaahh babies!
Show me an “Extreme Makeover” in any edition, and I will show you a
replica of Mount Kilimanjaro crafted entirely out of sopping wet
Kleenex. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing like seeing the mother of 87
foster children finally get a decent haircut to just rip at your heart
strings. Put the mother in a wheelchair, and you’ll have to wipe me off
the floor. Put a baby in a wheelchair with a new haircut and have the
whole neighborhood pitch in to build his mom and dad a Craftsman-style
bungalow with wheelchair ramps … just stop. I can’t even talk about it.
Of course, it’s not just On Star commercials and episodes of “America,
You’ve Got Talent!” that make me weep. Any major event in the lives of
my friends and family — births, marriages, divorces, deaths, their dogs’
deaths, a succinct and well-articulated graduation speech or an
especially delicious cheese appetizer — can cue up the waterworks.
I
pulled up at my sons’ preschool for their annual Thanksgiving feast in
November, and my head almost exploded from all the fond, weepy memories
I could potentially make. Sure enough, Gus’s recitation of the days of
the week damn near did me in. Yet, when I glanced around the room at all
the other parents, there wasn’t a damp eye in the house. MACHINES, these
people. They probably eat shrapnel pancakes for breakfast every morning
and wash them down with pitchers of fresh-squeezed battery acid.
Sometimes (and when I say sometimes I mean “at least once a week”) I’ll
cry about things that have never happened to me and, God willing, never
will. Horrible things. Tragic things. Psychiatrists call this “catastrophizing,”
but I like to call it my way of life. I once discovered what turned out
to be a pimple on my left nipple and imagined my way through 365 days of
chemotherapy and radiation.
I sobbed as I envisioned my sad little bald
head and subsequent loss of bowel control, the scene at my deathbed
where I’d light some pumpkin scented candles and tell my boys how much I
love them, kissing my husband for the last time, knowing THIS IS THE
LAST TIME, wondering if he will remarry, wondering who he’ll remarry,
deciding it will be someone nicer and more laid back (but probably a
little chubbier) than me, and then crying tears of joy that he was able
to find love again.
The flip side of all these tears is that I also laugh easily. Some would
say a little too easily. And too hard. And too long. And at my own
jokes.
Sometimes I snort.
A lot of times, I snort.
And when I find something really, really funny, I just can’t help
myself. I laugh so hard … I cry.
www.blabbermouse.net
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
The
Liddy Memos - A Kindle Excerpt - Part 2
By Sharon Riley, North Carolina
[Editor's
Note: In addition to this entry, Sharon submitted a related entry, Part
1, which was selected as 2nd Place Winner!]
As AIG sells its buildings and divisions
to pay back Uncle Sam, a recently laid-off employee, who claims to have
only received half of his million dollar bonus, is raising funds by
publishing the internal memos of soon-to-be-former CEO Edward Liddy. The
following is a Kindle excerpt; full download is available for $29.99:
TO: AIG Employees
FR: Edward Liddy
DATE: March 16, 2009
RE: Annual Welcome Spring Bacchanalia
Due to the media coverage featuring the surprising tar-and-feathering
incidents of executives who received bonuses financed by redirected
public school and well-baby health care funds, the plans for the Welcome
Spring Bacchanalia (formerly titled the Major League A.S.S.E.S. Training
Program) have been revised. Under advisement from our PR consulting
firm, the venue has been changed from The Breakers in Palm Beach to a
public park in the Bronx.
The original week-long program, scheduled for early April, will be
condensed into a half-day event to be held next Saturday. Due to a
pending sexual discrimination lawsuit, the event, formerly restricted to
male A.S.S. executives, is now open to all AIG employees and their
families.
Management is confident that the Bronx park venue will provide a secure,
private location free of hot tar and reporters. The office cleaning
staff has cleared the park and surrounding neighborhood of all torches,
bubbling oil, pitchforks, and residents.
The celebrity golf tournament will be relocated to Monolo's Miniature
Golf and Pawn Shop, adjacent to the park. Paula Abdul and Rosie Perez
will participate, raising money to rebuild AIG staffers' primary
residences that were burned down this week by fire-wielding taxpayers.
Bertha in the Travel Department has the air-transport schedule for
arson-displaced employees now commuting to work from their second homes
in East Hampton.
Don't forget your top-siders! The Anti-regulation Regatta is setting
sail! Yacht captains are asked to bring remote-controlled replicas of
their sloops, which will be raced in the storm drain overflow area of
the park. We will reschedule the full-scale racing event in the near
future, after the few remaining investigative journalism news outlets
have folded.
The Breakers’ “sporty casual” dress code will still apply. Please
refrain, however, from wearing any polo shirts, madras blazers, straw
boater hats, bow ties, or Nantucket reds bearing the AIG logo. Avoid red
and blue clothing, as these colors are associated with two high-profile
competing organizations operating on the streets in this area.
Menu: In an effort to reduce our carbon footprint, AIG is going locovore!
Instead of flying in the picnic lunch from The Breakers, Rasta Catering
on 174th St. will provide a spread of jerk chicken and East River caviar
out of the trunk of their vintage El Jefe '65 Chevy lowrider. As this is
a family event, no alcohol will be served. Mountain Dew and Jarritos
Guava Soda will be substituted for the vintage 1959 Dom Perignon
originally listed on the program menu. The lowrider buffet will be
located in the parking lot adjacent to the paddleball court and
port-a-johns.
Important health notice: For those with dermal intolerance to synthetic
fibers, it is advised that you refrain from participating in the
Bacchanalia golf tournament. Mses. Abdul and Perez's managers have
communicated that their clients will be attired in Lycra-blends and
acrylics.
Read the rest of this Kindle book within a minute of placing your order.
Only $29.99!
http://sharonmriley.blogspot.com/
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
Inspiration
or Wince-piration: What Will Kid Movies Be Based On Next?
By Joel Schwartzberg,
New Jersey
Now that Hollywood's drawn kid movie
inspiration from books, cartoons, and, now, TOYS ("Transformers", "G.I.
Joe", and ummmmm, "My Little Pony"), one must ask: What's left to be
scraped at the bottom of the kids media barrel? Consider the following
ideas that may or may not be sitting on the desk of some Hollywood
Development VP right now:
"Lunchables: The Movie"
When a tray of lunchables is micro-waved by accident, the ingredients
magically come to life and must save a sexy "Lean Cuisine" from the
PG-13 desires of "Hungry Man." Stars: Eddie Murphy.
"Pencils vs. Pens"
Must pencils always settle for being #2? It's all-out, 3D and IMAX war
when two sharp pencils infiltrate the world of pens and uncover a plan
for school supply domination. Features the voice of Jack Black as
"Paste"
"Backpack Hanging Thingees: The Movie"
At night, the myriad keychains attached to a fourth-grader's backpack
magically awaken and work tirelessly for liberation. Stars: a
computer-generated avatar of Eddie Murphy.
"Ken"
Starring Justin Timberlake. Nuff said.
"Operation"
A 10-year-old boy and nine-year old girl, spending the night in a
hospital, are forced to medically operate on a man who has a terminally
blinking-red nose. A savvy marketing campaign will have kids across
America screaming, "Butterfingers!"
"Sorry!"
Imagine "Tron," but with colorful board game pieces sliding, stepping,
and stomping each other back to their respective START circles...Or not.
Stars: Eddie Murphy as "Green", Eddie Murphy as "Blue", and, yes, Eddie
Murphy as "Red."
"Webkinz vs NeoPets"
This is "Freddy vs. Jason", "Alien vs. Predator" or "Lambert vs. Gokey"
for the PG-10 set. In the pivotal third act, the two warring virtual
powerpets ally themselves against a common enemy: real-life puppies.
"They Call Me MISTER Potato Head"
Starring whoever's the heaviest SNL cast member at the time, this
live-action film is really a metaphor for humanity's struggle against
conformity, our penchant for reinvention, and our need for a door in our
butts to hold stuff. Viral marketing catchphrase: "Hey, pull yourself
together!"
www.divorceddadbook.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
The
Complete Correspondence Between Edward Ruggles and Radiator Roundup,
Inc.
By Mike Tuck, Minnesota
October 7, 2008
Radiator Roundup Inc.
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
To Whom It May Concern:
I was recently sent one of your home radiators by mistake. I did not
order a radiator from your company so please let me know how you would
like it sent back.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Edward Ruggles
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Radiator Roundup Inc.
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
October 13, 2008
Dear Mr. Ruggers:
Thank you very much for your letter dated October 7, 2008. We always
welcome feedback from our satisfied customers regarding the best home
radiator made in the world!
We know you will be pleased with your radiator now and for many years to
come.
Happy Heating from all of us at Radiator Roundup Inc.!
Sincerely,
Clarence Smiley
Customer Service Manager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
October 17, 2008
Radiator Roundup Inc.
Attn: Clarence Smiley
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
Dear Mr. Smiley:
I’m sorry I didn’t make it clearer to you in my letter dated October
7th, 2008. I did not order the radiator from your company. It was sent
to me in error so could you please make arrangements to have it shipped
back to you. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Edward Ruggles
PS – You must make a great radiator because it’s really heavy! (Ha ha)
Oh, and its Ruggles not Ruggers. Perhaps that’s the mix-up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Radiator Roundup Inc.
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
November 3, 2008
Dear Mr. Rugged:
Our records indicate we have not received payment for the Deluxe Home
Radiator model 3AA shipped to you on October 3, 2008. If you have sent
the payment at this time we thank you very much. If you haven’t please
include payment of $695 plus $125 shipping and handling in the enclosed
envelope or call our toll free number 800.555.RADIATORROUNDUP to pay
with a credit card.
Thank you again for your purchase!
Happy Heating from all of us at Radiator Roundup Inc.!
Sincerely,
Clarence Smiley
Customer Service Manager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
November 6, 2008
Radiator Roundup Inc.
Attn: Clarence Smiley
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
Mr. Smiley:
I will most certainly not pay for a radiator I did not order! This is
the third letter I have sent asking you how to return it. I do not know
why it was sent to me in the first place! I have moved it out on the
curb in front of my house. You have the address so you can come pick it
up at anytime!
From,
Edward Ruggles.
PS – And it’s Ruggles!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Radiator Roundup Inc.
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
November 15, 2008
Dear Mr. Ragged:
Thank you for your interest in our company per your letter dated
November 6th, 2008.
We are not hiring at this time but your letter has been forwarded to our
Human Resource department and will be kept on file. If in the future we
are interviewing for your position we will contact you.
Thank you again and in appreciation please find a free catalogue
enclosed.
Happy Heating from all of us at Radiator Roundup Inc.!
Sincerely,
Clarence Smiley
Customer Service Manager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
November 21, 2008
Radiator Roundup Inc.
Attn: Clarence Smiley
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
Mr. Smiley:
Enclosed in the crate please find the home radiator you sent me. I did
not order it and you refused to come get it so after I was fined by the
city for keeping it out on the curb I decided to send it back to you. I
have also enclosed copies of the fine ($100) and the shipping charge of
$95. I will trust you to reimburse me for that!
From,
Edward RUGGLES
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Radiator Roundup Inc.
123 Mainstreet
Oshkosh WI 54900
December 23, 2008
Dear Mr. Raggles:
Thank you for your patience in this matter and we apologize for the
delay.
Enclosed please find your repaired Deluxe Home Radiator model 3AA.
The valve regulator has been replaced and the radiator thoroughly
cleaned. Please send in the enclosed envelope the service charge payment
of $359 along with the $125 shipping and handling fee or call our toll
free number 800.555.RADIATORROUNDUP to pay with a credit card.
We also show a debt of $820 from the original purchase. Please send that
along as well.
Thank you again.
Happy holidays and heating from Radiator Roundup Inc.!
Sincerely,
Clarence Smiley
Customer Service Manager
(Editor’s note: Edward Ruggles has not responded to this last letter and
is thought to have fled the country.)
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
Impressing
That Special Someone
By Richard Turck, Washington
If you're not a girl like me, then you're probably a guy like me. And,
being a guy like me, you have probably found yourself in a situation
where you really like a girl, but just don't quite know how to impress
her. Be it the girl in your homeroom, the girl next door, or your wife,
you just never seem to be able to show them that you're the man for
them.
Well, I know this is a sticky subject for most so I'm just going to go
ahead and lay down some basic sure fire tactics that'll just scream "I'm
Mr. Right, you big, ugly moron!" to that special someone.
Ok, first things first, we have to clarify what women like. I think this
is pretty simple, they want someone with brains, brawn, and two hands,
and that's basically it.
Now that we've narrowed down what they want, we have to talk about how
to get them to go on a date with you so that you can show them you have
the stuff dreams are made of. Now, and all women are created different,
but if you were to simply go up to the lady you've been eying and just
kind of start pulling on her hair, playing with her face, and buttoning
and unbuttoning her sleeve, you should be in. These activities will
really draw her attention to the fact that both of your hands are
intact, and yes, you know how to use them.
That's all it should take to get yourself a first date, and, if by
chance it doesn't, just say, "Hey girl, I'm fixin' on saving up for a
new toaster." Girls love that kind of talk, I'd imagine.
So, now that you're out on a date with her it's time to really shine.
First, let's show off how smart you are. This is easy. When you're at
dinner just pull a brand new Rubik's cube out of your pocket and set it
on the table and smile. She may give you a confused look at first and
ask something like, "What is this for?" Don't let her fool you, she
thinks you solved it and would probably murder someone for you already.
She may also say something like, "Um, it looks like you just bought that
thing and haven't messed it up yet" This is a little trickier. In this
case you have no choice but to screw it up, take it to the bathroom, and
roll it around on the floor until it's completed. This may take several
years, but think of the alternative, trying to solve it in front of
her...you can't, no one can, that's why it's called a Rubik's cube.
You'd have better luck throwing it in the washing machine and putting it
on the rinse cycle than solving it yourself.
OK, anyway, now you've shown her how smart you are, what's next? You
have to prove you're a man that can stand up for himself and her if
needed. To do this just look for the biggest man in the room and make
absolutely certain he doesn't have any arms. Go up to him and just smash
him over the head with the heaviest loaf of bread you can find. You're
date will probably act like she's all horrified by your actions and ask,
"What's the matter with you?" But don't worry, women never say what they
really think, and she really thinks you're sweet.
Ok, so now she thinks your a genius AND brave, now what? The last thing
you have to do is listen to the things she says about her likes and
dislikes and prove you're her match. For instance, let's say she tells
you she loves animals, what should you do? I'll tell you. You should
find the first person on the street that is walking a dog and start
growling and gnawing on their hand until they let go of the leash. This
way you can show your date that not only do you want the dog to be free,
but you can also be a dog. Girls love dogs.
There you have it, the way into a woman's heart. Just follow these steps
and you'll be married by next Tuesday. And, if by chance these things
don't work for you, then the 'girl' you're trying to impress is probably
just your grandpa's old punching bag. Don't worry, mistakes like that
happen all the time, so get out there and find a real person!
http://journalized2.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
Meeting
The Neighbors
By Richard Turck,
Washington
When you move to a new place, one of the
first things you have to do is meet and make friends with the neighbors.
This can be a tricky process but there are a few things you can do to
make it go smoothly. For starters, you can knock on their door and ask
whoever answers if they want to help you move your stuff into your
house. If they say yes, neat, but if they say no then just remind them
that you're going to be living next door and then sort of act like you
might want to kill them.
So, now that they're helping you move your stuff into your house, the
next thing you have to do is check how friendly they are. A simple test
is to tell them to carry in your washing machine and bathtub while you
carry in a ball of yarn or something. Just sort of walk a step in front
of them and stare back to see what kind of facial expressions they're
making.
Once you've assessed their level of friendliness, the next thing you
have to do is make sure they don't have any sort of anger management
issues. After all, you're going to be living next to this person, you
want to know what they would do if you accidentally stole their
refrigerator or unknowingly threw a brick at their horse.
So, to check to see if they have anger issues just playfully run them
over with your car while their carrying your stuff. Be sure to give a
little smirk to make sure they know you were just kidding. Most likely
they'll give a little smile back as if to say, "I love you", but if they
don't then you'll know you have a real bad apple on your hands.
In this situation don't panic, just simply tell them that you don't
really much care for them and, once they're done carrying your stuff in,
they might as well just go home. They'll probably start crying and try
to butter you up by saying things like their leg is broken or something.
Let them throw their little tantrum, you're not playing their game.
So, now that you have assessed the predisposition of your neighbor, the
next thing to do is check their degree of understanding. Who wants to be
friends with someone that won't even let you use their pet gerbil as a
drain plug for your sink?
The way I would test for understanding in a neighbor would be to put on
some old dirty clothes, smear ketchup on my face and hands, and then go
roll around in the dirt. Once this is done simply go knock on your
neighbor's door and tell them you were trampled by their horse. If they
start giving you lame excuses like they don't even have a horse then you
know exactly what kind of person they really are. As a rule of thumb,
just remember, everyone has a horse.
So there you have it in a nutshell. After you've ran these simple tests
on your neighbor you'll know if they're worth the time or whether you
need to make them move out so that you may have a new neighbor.
http://journalized2.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
Throw
Mama From The Wheelchair
By Lori Wescott,
Tennessee
Whether you call them in-laws or
out-laws, it is always a struggle to fit in with your new family. I had
been married five short months when my mother-in-law, Janelle, invited
me to Chicago with her and her two sisters. It was a “sister trip,” and
I was invited. How exciting! This was my first official sign of
acceptance. I had made it. I was in.
The plan was to spend thirty-six hours “power shopping.” No time for
sightseeing or lollygagging, we were on a mission. We arrived at Midway
and hurried to baggage claim, but while picking up her suitcase, Janelle
threw her back out. The sisters looked nervously at each other. There
was no way Janelle would be able to keep up the pace for our shopping
trip. One of her sisters decided to call the hotel and arrange to have a
wheelchair waiting for us. “It will be fine,” I told her. “We can push
you around from store to store, and you won’t miss a thing.”
When we arrived at the Omni Hotel there was a wheelchair waiting for
her, but it was missing one foot rest and was completely rusted over.
We pretended the chair was fine, but as we pushed her to the elevator,
we heard the screeching serenade of rusty wheels. It was bad enough
that Janelle had to be in the wheelchair, but now everyone would hear
her before they saw her. She wasn’t discouraged, however, so we began
the first leg of our mission.
I volunteered to push first. After all, I was practically a nurse and
far more experienced in that sort of thing than her two sisters. As we
approached Michigan Avenue, the traffic light changed, prompting us to
go ahead and cross the intersection. However, I began to have
thoughts. What if I didn’t have enough momentum to get across all six
lanes with my heavyset mother-in-law? I decided then it would be best to
pick up a little speed. However, while guiding the wheelchair into the
road, the foot rest became caught on the curb. The wheelchair came to a
dead stop and my new mother-in-law was airborne.
It seemed to happen in slow motion and there was nothing I could do but
stand there watching in horror. Clad in a dressy, black, pants suit,
her flight was less than effortless. Her blonde hair was swept back by
the wind and her arms flailed at her sides. When she finally came to
rest, Janelle found herself three lanes over, in the middle of Michigan
Avenue with her head a mere six inches from the bumper of a cab. Her
sisters immediately began pointing and broke into hysterical laughter
while the cab driver shook his head at their insensitivity.
I thought about how momentarily the traffic light would change and she
would be run over. I was going to have to call my husband and tell him
that I killed his mother. That was not how it was supposed to go, damn
it! I had just made it into the club of acceptance and I showed my
gratitude by dumping my mother-in-law into the middle of a busy
intersection.
Meanwhile, Janelle was trying to get up off the ground by herself
because her sisters were incapacitated with laughter and I was frozen
still. Then, as I had feared, the light changed. In an effort to avoid
being run over myself, I instinctively backed out of the road while
still clutching the wheelchair. In doing so, I was oblivious to the
fact that Janelle had gimped back over to me and was attempting to sit
down in the chair. Thanks to my survival instinct I pulled the chair
right out from under her and she landed, yet again, on the dirty Chicago
asphalt.
Seeing Janelle laying in the road for the second time, her sisters
quickly got their acts together and helped her back into the
wheelchair. Shortly thereafter, I relinquished my wheelchair pushing
duties and began my dissertation on apologetics. Thankfully, there were
only minor scrapes and bruises to add to her back injury and, although
I’ll never live it down, I was quickly forgiven. This experience did,
however, turn out to be a great litmus test regarding my new family. If
your mother-in-law still loves you after you dump her in the road and
leave her for dead, then she's probably a keeper.
www.Loripalooza.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
Hello,
Is This The Travel Agency?
By Janine Wills,
Tennessee
By the time our youngest son Jared
reached the dreaded adolescent stage, I was an old pro. I’d already
weathered his older brother and sister, Jason and Jennifer, going
through it, and social services had only knocked on our door
half-a-dozen times. I was all set.
There was only one problem. Jared's the third child, and everyone knows
that the farther down a child is on the totem pole, the more neglected
he gets.
I’d kept everything from Jason’s childhood: the bandage off his
umbilical cord, the socks he wore the day he graduated from
kindergarten, and the spitball he threw at his first grade teacher. We
kept building on to the house to make more room for Jason's memorabilia.
After we ran out of lumber, we rented four storage spaces.
When Jennifer entered the world, the attention dwindled. I crammed all
her personal effects into a shoebox and shoved it under the bed (Hey. It
was a large shoebox. Her dad wears size fourteen shoes).
Then along came Jared. All he has to show from his childhood is a
business-sized envelope containing his birth certificate, shot records,
and one report card. I also keep my Christmas recipes in that envelope.
Jared could never be convicted of a crime. There’s so little proof he
exists.
But don’t feel sorry for him. Jared had a Mom and Dad who were so
relaxed, he had to shoot us with a stun gun to sign his report card. He
taught himself to tie his shoes, learned his numbers by reading the
backs of his baseball cards, and his second grade teacher taught him how
to color-coordinate his clothes.
Jared never suffered the angst of two parents tailing him like a
lovesick pup. And not once did we embarrass him in front of his friends
by holding his hand in public. Jeff and I even let him eat cold pizza
for breakfast, Twinkies for lunch, and a soda and a bag of chips for
supper. We rarely raised our voices at him. We were too busy trying to
figure out the new stages his older brother and sister were going
through.
But Jared, being Jared, was not about to let his adolescence go by
unnoticed.
“Hey Mom. Check out this zit.”
“I hate to disappoint you, Jared, but that’s a piece of dried-up corn
from supper.”
Jared smiled and went looking for his father.
“Hey, Dad," he said, flexing his arm so hard, the veins popped out on
his forehead. "Check out this muscle.”
“Sorry, Son, but that little bump is only left over baby fat.”
Jeff received the same smile before Jared went searching for his
brother.
“Hey, Jason,” he said, flapping his arms like a chicken. “Look. I’m
starting to get underarm hair.”
With a proud look, Jason displayed underarm hair that Rapunzel could
have used to escape her ivory tower.
“When you have this much, Jared, we’ll talk.”
Unfazed and still grinning, Jared headed toward the back of the house to
find Jennifer.
“Hey, Jen…”
But that’s as far as he got. Jennifer dashed into her room, slammed and
bolt locked the door, and then barricaded it with a dresser, desk, and
nightstand.
The next thing I heard was Jared calling, “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.”
Determined not to repeat the same mistakes made during Jason and
Jennifer's adolescence, I downplayed Jared's march through it. Like the
time he came into my bedroom to show off the new-found hair on his legs.
“Hey, Mom. Look how long and dark the hair on my legs is getting.”
My motherly duty urged me to rein in my son’s pride. I hiked up my
nightgown and said, “Jared, look at these nubs. Even they are longer and
darker than what you’ve got. And I'm a woman.”
Jared studied my legs for a minute and then said, “Yeah, but I don’t
have all that cellulite.”
I know. I deserved that.
Because I insisted on downplaying Jared's glorious adolescent moments, I
missed out on much of that all-important phase of his young life. But
even without my ever-present interference, Jared happily sailed through
his adolescent seas. Though on his thirteenth birthday, I booked
reservations for a six-year, Round-the-World cruise. The thought of
rearing three teenagers at one time held more terror than watching a
play-by-play of Joan River’s plastic surgeries.
But then again… that’s just the way kids are. Or maybe… that’s the way
we mothers are.
.
|
