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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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April/May 2009
Humor Writing Contest Results! |
Congratulations to
the Winners of our
April/ May 2009 Humor
Writing Contest!
Wizard Of Oz From Multiple Perspectives
By Ed W., Oregon
(Author's last name withheld by
request.)
Remember seeing the Wizard of Oz as a
kid? Boy, some scenes seemed so scary back then. Isn’t it funny how at
different times and ages in your life you see different things in a
movie? Let's explore:
Scene: Aunt Em’s house flies up into the tornado heading for Oz
5 Year Old Child: It was scary; the house was spinning and I was afraid
for Dorothy.
17 Year Old Teenager: What lame special effects! They should have had
like some cool CGI and a kick butt soundtrack.
35 Year Old Adult: Wow, is that vintage crown molding on that? Check out
the inlays; that craftwork costs a fortune now.
42 Year Old Adult: Man; they should have sold that farm when the market
was up. I don’t even want THINK about the repairs. What will HOA say
about this?
77 Year Old Adult: I hope she doesn’t break a hip when that thing lands.
I broke mine and boy, let me tell you all about the pain I’ve been in
ever since. And the medication! Why that doctor….
Scene: Dorothy meets all the Munchkins in Munchkin land
5 Year Old Child: Wow, look at those funny Munchkins. I wish I could
live there with them.
17 Year Old Teenager: Hey, they’re all little midget people. Dorothy
should try some Munchkin bowling; I played elf bowling and it was
hilarious.
35 Year Old Adult: OMG; they must have hired every little person
available to make this movie. I wonder if they get paid half the salary
of the rest of the cast?
42 Year Old Adult: Which country is dwarf juggling legal? Or was that
cat juggling? My co-workers sent me an email joke on it, I just can’t
seem to remember now.
77 Year Old Adult: Why when I was a kid, everyone was small. It’s all
these damn chemicals and genetics that are making everyone too damn tall
if you ask me.
Scene: Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow and Tin Man are walking through the
forest
5 Year Old Child: It’s so scary. What if they meet a lion or tiger or
bear?
17 Year Old Teenager: Man, a game of paint ball would be so sweet there.
Look at all the places you could hide. And the cops couldn’t even get in
there; there’s no auto access at all; only that yellow brick road.
Awesome!
35 Year Old Adult: Who cleans the yellow brick road? I mean, there’s no
litter or debris on it ever. They really ought to expand the road into a
full double lane going each way though. This will never support long
term growth.
42 Year Old Adult: Wasn’t that the same kind of wood we had our deck
done in last year? Man, those trees are worth a fortune. Think of how
many homes I could develop and build with that property!
77 Year Old Adult: Yep, that looked just like the outskirts of the city
just before they built all those trailer courts and sub-developments.
Boy those were the days…
Scene: Flying monkeys descend upon them and take Dorothy and Toto away
5 Year Old Child: They’re so scary. Run Dorothy, run.
17 Year Old Teenager: I wonder if those are anal butt-dwelling monkeys?
35 Year Old Adult: Gad… I bet they’re awful pets. I wouldn’t want to be
cleaning monkey crap all day.
42 Year Old Adult: You know I swear Scarecrow has more hay stuffed in
him now then he did before they tore him apart. How can that be?
77 Year Old Adult: Remember that monkey that Ronald Reagan starred with,
what was that damn monkey's name? I want nothing to do with monkeys,
they’re a damn nuisance.
Scene: Dorothy is trapped with the hourglass and running out of sand
5 Year Old Child: Oh no, I can’t watch. That wicked witch! Poor Dorothy…
17 Year Old Teenager: I wonder how she’s going to kill her? Do you think
there will be any blood? Maybe Dorothy will come back from the dead to
haunt her or something. Cool…
35 Year Old Adult: You know; an hourglass really isn’t a very accurate
method of measuring time. She should synch up with the latest in nuclear
time measurement methods.
42 Year Old Adult: Yep, that’s the trouble; always accountable and a
slave to time. And then you die! How fitting is that?
77 Year Old Adult: God I used to love that soap opera…”Like sand through
the hourglass, so are the days of our lives…”
http://vehow.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Of
Bullets and Bad Comma: A Tale of Grammar Noir
By Jenn Thorson,
Pennsylvania
The phone rang— I made an em-dash for it. A man was on the line. He
said he had colon problems. I told him I was an editor, not a
proctologist. He said that was swell, and he'd be right over.
He showed up at the office with a preposition for me. I said, is that a
pen in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? He opened his coat to
reveal his piece. A powerful little number but bulky. I asked him to put
it slowly on the table so we could get down to work.
He hesitated, asking me for a quote first. I gave him two, telling him
he'd need both for later.
Then he said he was ready to show me the colon. I saw right away he had
a nice asterisk, but had to force myself to look beyond his dangling
participle. It was totally out of whack, and I didn't want to embarrass
him this soon in the meeting.
Well, it turns out he was wrong. The colon was listing, all right, but
it looked like the rest had been hit by a semi-.
I explained the clause of his troubles twice. He wasn't getting it. "Do
I need to draw you a diagram?" I asked.
I didn't want to compound his frustration; he was a client, after all. I
was just wondering how we could find unity on this, when we reached a
conjunction. That's when he hit me with the complement. "You're the
definite article," he said, drawing me close.
Suddenly, our ellipse met... something I never would have predicated. It
was like a spell.
And that's when the grammar police burst through the door. Turns out, my
client was wanted in three states for adverb abuse.
Quickly, suddenly, nervously, desperately, he pulled his piece on them.
And that was all the evidence they needed.
Soon we were in a court down at the capital. It was an upper case.
Things were tense, as we worried about our past, present and future.
Then the judge read the sentence.
The collective had spoken and there was agreement. Guilty as charged!
I tried to explain it was just bad comma, but I could see we were at an
end mark. They threw the book at him. The sentence. It had us in
fragments. We both suffixed terribly. In fact, we still suffix.
Because we were -ment to be together. And that's all that matters.
Period.
http://www.cabbagesnkings.net
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 On
The Trajectories of Stuffed Animals - Research Paper
By
David
Crawford,
British Columbia
Title: Scientific Analysis of Trajectories and Aerodynamics of
Stuffed Toys as Hurled by Recumbent Passenger Seat Apparatus in
Mini-Van.
Authors: Dad (Supervisor, Range Safety Officer), Kid #1 (male) (Launch
Control Officer), Kid #2 (female) (Projectile Loader/Chief Giggler).
Abstract: An amusement method was required by parental authorities to
keep vehicle-bound children occupied while Mom went grocery shopping, as
children did not wish to participate in said shopping activity.
Results: An act of horseplay in the front seat determined that
activating the release handle while passenger seat-back was reclined
caused the reclined portion to lurch to an upright position, albeit only
if unencumbered by a human body. Thus was discovered the catapult-style
launch propulsion mechanism.
Significant test firings were required to determine optimal placement of
flight vehicle, aerodynamic properties of hurled object, optimal launch
angle, allowance for prevailing wind conditions, curvature of the earth,
humidity etc.
Determination was made that pink tiger stuffy was the most suitable test
pilot/projectile. Other pilots interviewed/tested were Dad’s ball cap,
the garage door opener thingy, CD case etc. Pink tiger achieved superb
results in speed, altitude, and aerobatic performance.
This brave pilot was also the only fatality of the testing program,
bursting its innards after a memorable impact with the windshield during
a record-breaking, almost supersonic, flight. Investigators determined
the cause of the fatality was structural failure and in-flight splitting
of the primary control surfaces, or ‘guts.’
It did not die in vain as a great deal of usable data (including
improvised parachute deployments and slow-motion crashes) was obtained
prior to the fateful flight. He/she/it will be remembered.
Results: Flight durations approaching .30 (point three zero) seconds
were routinely attained by the test team. These astounding flights were
achieved by launching the projectile in a semi-parabolic arc off of the
headrest, up towards (but not contacting)(hopefully) the sun visor, then
following the inside of the windshield until landing somewhere in the
vicinity of the windshield defroster vent.
Flight evaluation was harsh but honest. “That sucked” was common, as was
the non-verbal “Splat,” which was indicative of either a failure to
clear the launch structure or an unspectacular landing. “Whoa!”,
“Awesome!” and “Holy Cow!” were recorded frequently as control
parameters became better understood.
Post-flight vehicle recovery and inspection was conducted by supervisory
staff while catapult mechanism was re-armed by the field crew for
subsequent launch attempts.
Field calculations were performed by attending authorities and it was
determined speeds in excess of 6000 miles per hour were attained on
numerous occasions. These speeds, while of sub-orbital velocity, were
indeed impressive and the relevant government agency in charge of such
things was immediately notified via pretend cell phone call.
Conclusions: Clearly more research needs to be done in the exciting
field of Seat-Propelled Stuffed Animal Aviation and Catapulting. The
next phases of the project will investigate the flying qualities of
stuffed turtles, oranges, and cartons of frozen Eggo Waffles while Mom
is in the video store.
Unopened cans of soda proposed for testing were rejected by supervisory
authorities.
Note for future research participants: An unexpected starvation crisis
occurred during this research. Crew fatalities were narrowly avoided by
the timely supply of slushy liquid nutrients from a local retailer, for
which the research team extends its gratitude.
The discovery of a small stash of gummy bears between the seats during
the proceedings allowed the research team to somehow carry on and
complete the research in the allotted time, albeit under severe hunger
stress.
www.occasionalhumourist.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 I.O.U.
One Trillion Dollars
By Richard Eimer, Illinois
Our
economy is in bad shape and we're leaving the tab open for our future
generation to pick up. Congress is spending its way out of a recession
by writing I.O.U.’s to China and simultaneously writing U.O.Me’s to a
bunch of insolvent embryos in the fetal position needing to take out a
second mortgage on the womb who might want to consider a foreclosure in
nine months or so.
Considering our Government's spending frenzy, it’s maddening that they
only spent 48 hours reviewing and approving a 1,200 page spending bill
for 700 billion dollars. That seems hasty.
The Chairman of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban
Affairs, Chris Dodd, is accountable for authorizing egregious bonuses to
banking CEO’s whose corporations accepted federal bailout money whilst
at the precipice of bankruptcy. Instead of carefully dotting every "i"
and crossing every "t" of the banking bailout, Senator Dodd was crossing
his eyes like a dodd-ering tease in the face of our country’s biggest
financial staring contest since The Great Depression. Meanwhile, Nancy
Pelosi can’t stop blinking.
We are governed by a system of checks and balances and yet the chairman
of the House Financial Services Committee, Barney Frank, can’t balance a
checkbook. More and more, we appear to be governed by a system of
bounced checks hanging in the balance.
The national credit score is lower than a limbo stock for a day trader
selling short, yet the government is almost bending over backwards to
print new money in order to spend more money.
Our country has an addiction to money, ATM, and every time we try to
kick the habit of "borrow and spend" we go right back into withdrawals.
America is getting soft, so it’s time to get the old muscle car back
into the body shop. We need to start maintaining a lean mean fiscal
physique, but instead we would prefer to stretch ourselves thin. Good
news! Finally America will be tightening its belt despite an ongoing
obesity epidemic.
The bad news, the United States Centaurs, half-pols / half-wits, are
playing financial planner with the American taxpayer’s portfolio in the
rotunda of the political pantheon. "With all due respect Senator, those
pantheons make your buttress look rotunda."
Does anyone realize that all this "pork barrel" spending could be
avoided if we put our money in the piggy bank?
Speaking of euphemisms, the linguistically laden jargon used by
politicians and pundits when explaining bailout, upon bailout, upon
bailout, practically requires a glossary of terms. The intentionally
mellifluously sounding vernacular for the Economic Stimulus Package is
merely "shovel ready chivalry".
"Shovel ready" really means our national debt is digging itself out of a
hole straight to China.
China owns our debt and we have access to their debit card. The
marvelous part is that Chinese visa’s don’t have credit limits.
Consequently, our economy is stuck in a set of Chinese finger cuffs with
both middle fingers. At least our representatives still have their
thumbs for twiddling.
On the flip side, big government has blamed big business for the
economic collapse. The truth is that both private and public sectors are
running around like Kung Pao chickens with their heads cut off.
The opportunistic aspect of capitalism dictates that your job may be
outsourced overseas so the corporate giants can get the most Bangkok for
the buck. Thus, foreign laborers work hard at taking jobs from us that
we work hard at taking for granted and who can blame them?
If money talks and BS walks (between us and China), you know which side
of the walkie-talkie the U.S. Department of Treasury is holding.
Topics of economics are exhausting, exasperating and quite truly way
above my pay grade . . .
I’m spent.
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
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 Dear
Human Resources Representative
By
Ann I.,
Wisconsin
(Author's last name withheld by
request.)
I need to schedule another HR
consultation. The situation grows increasingly dire with each passing
day.
I’m referring to inappropriate language, touching, and even nudity. I’m
referring to blatant insubordination, and untenable working conditions.
As per your earlier instructions, I began documenting the offenses. Yet,
as quickly as I administer warnings, new more egregious offenses occur.
Our desperately-awaited and newfound springtime weather—allowing for
open doors and windows—only exacerbates the humiliation I endure.
Take a look at these incriminating pieces of evidence:
INDECENT EXPOSURE: 9am Two-Year-Old disrobed completely, diaper-flung in
my general direction, and ran out the back door to “run da-round da-naked.”
SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS: Naked Two-Year-Old flaunts his miniature body,
running around the backyard with crayon in hand, "fixing" things and
screaming to our neighbors “I like to screw! I screwing, Mommy!”
INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING: Bath-time toes-in-butts situation completely out
of control, as is inappropriate peeing-in-bath behavior demonstrated by
both Two and Five-Year-Old. My “ucky pee pee water” warnings go
completley unheeded, and may in fact have the undesired effect of
increasing washcloth-in-mouth ingestions levels.
Frequent random poking and grabbing of “Mommy’s Butt” (and butt refers
to a highly generalized area) should be noted.
VANDALISM is rampant around the toilet area as a result of pee tagging.
When confronted, Five-Year-Old offers a weak explanation that “this
happens if you close your eyes while peeing” And Two-Year-Old’s defense?
He wants to stand and deliver, without handling the goods. So to speak.
Before I go on, I should share that your web seminar “Poop Talk: When
Defecation Is The Conversation” proved effective. I highly recommend it
to your other clients. We established dinnertime as a “Poop-Talk-Free (PTF)
Zone,” and that five minutes of our day remains blissfully PTF! I,
however, still suffer symptoms of PTD (Poop Talk Disorder) as is
apparent when I unselfconsciously discuss poop consistency in mixed
company, and occasionally yell ‘POOPYHEAD’ in a fit of rage. I’m working
on it.
INSUBOORDINATION: As much as 1-2-3 Magic (also known as One-Two-Fwee
Magic) seems perceptibly magical, when taunted with counting from my
child-subordinates it creates a hostile environment. Or makes me laugh,
rendering the whole process completely ineffective.
HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT: Lastly, Two-Year-Old now employs a torture
tactic long-banned under the Geneva Convention—REPETITIVE RAFFI.
“Willabee Wallabee Woo” is directly responsible for a substantial
increase in insurance copays, as I now require weekly shock therapy.
When coupled with nap-avoidance (creating a 15 hour day without breaks),
REPETITIVE RAFFI creates a cruel and unusual workplace.
Please advise before your ealiest convenience. Bring your HAZMAT suit
and a stiff drink.
Victimized,
Ann
http://annsrants.com
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