|
|
|
| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
December 2008/ January 2009
Humor Writing Contest Results! |
Congratulations to
the Winners of our
December 2008/
January 2009 Humor
Writing Contest!
Twenty Efficient Driving Tips and Other Beer-Fueled
Ideas
By Dan McGinley, Connecticut
1) Drive in Reverse: Based on the reverse-motion theorems of Albert
Einstein’s little- known brother Eddy, this will actually refill your
gas tank as you back-up to your favorite destination (back to the
future!). You also get to wave at tailgaters. Party on!
2) Don’t Drive at all: If you have any understanding or delirious
bosses, imagine the overtime as you walk to work. If the distance is too
great, ride the wild winds in a hot air balloon. Woo-woo!
3) Car Pool: That’s just crazy talk!
4) Hitch hike: This is such a great idea, my super hot sister tried it
years ago, and must be having the time of her life. She hasn’t even
bothered to call me, and before that fateful night hitching outside the
federal prison, she called every single night, without fail. Gosh, I
can’t wait to hear her report!
5) Skate board: On long commutes, you simply grab the back of a semi and
go baby go .. . . be sure to tuck out of the wind, never let go until
your exit, and change wheels often. Also dress for weather. If mud flaps
are missin’, it’s sludge you’ll be kissin’!
6) Buy a Fuel Efficient Car: More crazy talk! Run away!
7) Ride a Horse, feed a garden. Adopt a dung beetle.
8) Car Jacking: Ha-ha! Just kidding! That’s not even funny! Still, if
you had a fake gun and were polite.
9) Hey, what’s “nine” in German? No! It means no! Nothing here for you!
Move along!
10) If there were ten tips, then it would be like yet another “Top Ten
List”, and we’ve all seen enough of those. The last thing on earth we
need is another “Top Ten List”. Haven’t we beaten that to death?!?
The following is a “Top Ten List” of fuel-efficient tips:
11) Ignore any lists of fuel-efficient tips, and drive like a maniac.
Driving laws are kind of strong suggestions anyway, and every state is
so different. Plus, once you’re incarcerated for life, driving isn’t
even an option!
12) Wear bright clothing and drink lots of water.
13) Never take a wrong turn or get lost. This wastes lots of fuel and
screams, “I don’t have the latest GPS equipment!” At least wear some L.L.
Bean.
14) Never talk on a cell phone while driving. Studies have shown that
people who talk on a cell phone while driving work the accelerator
according to emotional states derived from phone conversations, which
vary greatly depending on various subject matters discussed on the
phone. Can you believe I totally made this up? Yet it has such a
legitimate sound to it, unlike that cheesy ring tone I downloaded, which
kept playing in the delivery room last night. Hey hon, take a chill
pill! My friend says the Broncos just let Shanahan go! Someone quiet
that screaming baby!
15) Drive only in the rain. Water means less friction, and less friction
means better gas mileage. Driving only in the rain also means you’re
nuts, and that saves gas mileage. The rubber no longer meets the road,
it wallpapers your new room!
16) Sixteen is an interesting number, because if your vehicle gets
sixteen miles per gallon, it’s made by one of the American big three,
and considered an economy car. I can’t believe those are still in
business. Unless they went under by the time you read this, which is
entirely possible.
17) Use the underground sewer system. Be alert for alligators. Don’t
smoke.
18) If your car or truck runs on diesel, use vegetable oil discarded by
restaurants. Better yet, use vegetable oil discarded by vegetables
(unless they are using acne medicine; whereas they are bright, robust,
and have a healthy complexion).
19) To travel is to work or carry a message, and that’s what carrier
pigeons are for. Peregrine Falcons are the downside. It’s exactly like
the U.S. mail vs. FedEx.
20) Thank God it’s over. Speaking of God, what kind of car would he
drive? Trick question, he was a walker. Now Buddha, I see him in a VW
bus, with those little dancing bears on the bumper. Lot’s of drive-thru
food, if you know what I mean. The dude was huge. Instant Karma is
drive-thru food, coming around in less than an hour.
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
 A
New Burger Called: "The Angry Burger"? They Must Be Kidding!
By Joan Haara,
Michigan
A major fast-food restaurant has just introduced a new burger called:
"The Angry Burger".
Seriously.
Evidently, it is a burger full of hot seasonings like onions, peppers
and a hot sauce.
So, this begs the question:
What other emotion-themed or crazy-themed burgers will they promote
next?
I can see the TEN TOP Contenders for their next burger now:
1. The PMS Burger: a meaty little number filled with bovine hormones.
Causes the eater to experience wild mood-swings, water retention, breast
tenderness and hot flashes. This will make "The Angry Burger" seem like
a wimp.
2. The George W. Bush Burger: a stale, tough burger with a sour look
that will give you a bitter aftertaste. After eating one, you will
immediately wish it farewell forever and never want to have another.
3. The Obama Burger: A fresh burger full of multi-cultural spices, worth
every penny. When you taste one, it will remove all of the bitter
aftertaste (from the George W. Bush Burger). You can eat the whole
thing, YES YOU CAN.
4. The "Randy" Burger: A burger that will "grow on you", and work better
than Viagra. Better than Austin Powers, Baby!
5. The Mary Wanna Burger: This tasty burger will remind you of your
college days. When you get done reefing one of these down, life will
immediately look better to you and you will instantly get a case of the
munchies (and then compulsively order a large order of fries to go with
it).
6. The Tom Cruise Burger: If you regularly eat this burger, created by a
Nutrition Scientologist, you will no longer need to take your
antidepressant. Only weak people need an antidepressant. You are a
horrible person if you say you are depressed. All you need is this
burger and only this burger. There is no room for discussion about this
burger, you are just being glib if you want to talk about this burger.
7. The Rain Man Burger: They offer this on Fridays. On Fridays. Only on
Fridays. Offer is on Fridays. On Fridays. I can't go on Tuesday, they
only offer it on Fridays. They offer this on Fridays.
8. The Oprah Burger: Sometimes you get a lean burger, sometimes it is a
little more "full-bodied" with some extra fat added. Whenever you order
one, you get the Politics Meal along with a free Obama doll, whether you
want it or not. Over and over. If you refuse to get the doll, you are
forced to listen to a ten minute, emotional description of the Obama
doll from the Burger King counter staff until you give in and just tell
them to give you the damn doll.
9. The LOST Burger: You are sure you experienced the burger, but now it
has just completely disappeared. You aren't sure if you just had a
flashback to eating the burger, or if the burger was an image of the
future. In fact, the lady you just sat with to eat the burger (that you
thought was someone you just met) turns out to be your future adopted
child's grandmother. Or maybe you are (in reality) dead from the plane
trip you took (where it crashed) and the burger and you aren't real
after all.
10. The Angelina Burger: After you order one of these babies, you will
want another and another and another. Don't worry, you will still remain
beautiful after eating all of them. In fact, you may want yet another.
Actually, this burger is the Pitts.
Oh, the list is endless....................
http://www.myretirementchronicles.blogspot.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
 The
Science of Blogging
By
David
Jenkins,
Montana
A blog is like a pair of underwear – everyone except members of
certain jungle tribes has at least one, but no one except your spouse
and maybe a few close family members have ever seen yours. And if your
kids ever get a glimpse of it, they will instantly become nauseated and
embarrassed, possibly more than seeing your underwear. It's best to keep
your blog hidden from minors.
A typical blog entry resembles a conversation between two inebriated
buddies about fifteen minutes before closing time. Souls are bared,
secrets revealed, and the truth about just how ugly you really think
your best friend's new baby is all come to light. The ultimate truth
serum – no alcohol required. In fact, it's not recommended to blog while
drunk as the two have been known to cancel each other out and you could
wind up blogging about the exciting details of your recent lawn
fertilization.
Eventually, you'll want more out of blogging. You'll have a naughty
desire to let someone else see your underwear, but to do that you have
to know how to play the blogging game. The blogging rules clearly state:
In order to be read, you must go out and read strange blogs yourself. So
off you go, reading and commenting in as many different blogs as you
can, hoping that at least some will return the favor.
And they will, even though they really don't want to. Let's face it –
the typical blogger would like to believe that every single earthling
with an internet connection is insanely interested in their life and
their life alone, so the simple act of exposing their intoxicating
thoughts in their blog each day should result in approximately 42,000
comments piling up beneath each intoxicating entry. Realistically,
however, they know how the game is played, so they'll speed-read through
your entry, paying attention to a few key words here and there, before
leaving a very vague, very brief comment that may or may not have
anything to do with your entry.
Other bloggers, who also have no desire to read your soul-baring
thoughts, will follow. They'll ignore your entry and immediately scroll
down to the first comments where they'll play follow the leader. The
comment section then takes on a life of its own. This is where blogging
becomes dangerous.
An example:
Blog Entry: I'd always hoped this day might come, but now I can't stop
crying. My fourth husband died last night. The same man who has done his
best to ignore me for the past nine years while he did nothing but sit
on the couch every night watching t.v. I never could find the strength
to leave him, but now I'm free and I don't know what to think. Frank
choked to death last night on some Cheetos while watching a hockey game
on the same couch he'd spent most of our marriage avoiding me. Suddenly
being alone doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. Where do I go
from here?
Comment #1: Hey, I love Cheetos! Ever try the 'Flaming Hot' style? Too
much for me!
Comment #2: I can never get that orange stuff off my fingers when I eat
them, but they are SO good.
Comment #3: LOL @ Comment #2. I just pretend to hug my husband and rub
it off on his shirt.
Comment #4: I only like the Puffed Cheetos myself, but Frank, my fat
slob of a third ex-husband, used to sit on the couch and eat those
things all....hey, where do you live?
Comment #5: I like cheese.
Then there is the opposite effect:
Blog Entry: I had the greatest day today with my kids! It's the first
time we've had a day all to ourselves in so long! I packed a lunch and
we went to the park to enjoy the beautiful sunshine that was beaming
down on us today. We had such a good time on the merry-go-round (before
lunch, of course...lol), and then I couldn't get the kids off the
swings! I think I pushed them for about two straight hours, but it was a
perfect day and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Thanks
for letting me share my joy!
Comment #1: My husband told me he was leaving me last year while we sat
on park swings. I hate swings.
Comment #2: Oh I'm so sorry, Comment #1! BIG ((((((hugs)))))) to you.
Comment #3: At least yours told you he was leaving. Mine just left. I
hate men.
Comment #4: It took me years of therapy to get over the pain and anger
of my bitter divorce, but then some inconsiderate blogger has to remind
me.
Comment #5: I like cheese.
Both of these blogger's spirits are now crushed, so they begin to
contemplate their very existence which will no doubt be the topic of
their next intoxicating blog entry. Remember, there is power to our
words, so if you blog (check for a pulse....if you've got one, you blog),
please comment responsibly.
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
 Driven
To Madness
By Ivy Eisenberg, New York
I’m
jealous of the hussy who speaks to my husband from his dashboard. Even
though the tart talks non-stop, constantly giving him directions—“turn
left at the light and go a quarter mile”—he LISTENS to her. All of a
sudden, he’s listening?
“Isn’t this great?” he shrieked, the first time we turned on the GPS.
“Watch this.”
He popped in the address of my son’s school.
She began “turn right at the next block, then turn right again.”
“Wow, she’s very bright…” I countered.
“C’mon, this is awesome. This can take me wherever I want to go.”
Great. Global Positioning System? She’s a Guy Pleasing Slut, if you ask
me. Sometimes he likes to turn a different way, just to see how she’ll
react. She never gets annoyed. There’s none of the “what are you doing
dimwit, you were supposed to turn right. Go make a U-Turn at the Mobil
and go back there.” Instead, she automatically adjusts her own
directions to help him on his new course. She just calmly says – in that
shrewishly pleasant voice—“at the next intersection, make a left.”
I am a little uncomfortable about how my husband breaks a sweat when she
announces “you are reaching your destination.” She’s so sure of herself.
Meanwhile, last Thursday, she drove us into a ditch. “It was my fault,”
my husband said, protecting her. “I veered too much to the right.”
That was the last straw. He is volunteering to take the blame for a
driving goof? That’s why last night I decided to re-program the darn
thing.
So tonight, as soon as he gets into the car after work to come home,
he’ll hear “It’s about time. Hurry up, you’re later for dinner again.
But don’t run the light … and slow down …watch the car on your left
…looks like he might be drunk…Do we have to listen to this atonal jazz?
Let’s listen to oldies…Watch it, there’s a pothole … and look there’s a
guy on a bike …do you see the guy on the bike? Why do you always take
the long way around the office park? It’s shorter to make the 2nd right
then make the left at the top of the hill – No wonder you’re always late
getting home.”
As he turns onto Main Avenue, she’ll pipe up “you are two blocks from
the Flower Shop. A bouquet for your wife is a nice gesture.”
As he passes the last major intersection, rather than “you are a quarter
mile from your destination,” she will say “Again, you’re passing the dry
cleaners and not picking up the clothes that have been there for 3 weeks
now?” Finally, as he turns into the driveway, she will say “you have
reached your destination—and your destiny. And stop smiling at your
dashboard. I’m 300 pounds and I have more chin hair than Abraham
Lincoln.”
www.ivyeisenberg.com
© Copyright
by author, used with permission by Humor Press. No unauthorized reproduction or redistribution is allowed.
.Return
to Top
 Body
Language
By
Kevin Craner,
United Kingdom
Scientists say that the reason we fidget
when we’re nervous is because the stress triggers an innate
physiological response, leading us to unconsciously believe that we’ve
sat on a plate of eggs Benedict.
Interestingly, actually sitting on such a
plate is surprisingly relaxing, but, nevertheless, it’s still
occasionally frowned upon in good quality restaurants and arguably
invalidates the warranty on your underpants. [Ed – I’ve just discovered
that it definitely does.] Below are some body language pointers.
Signs of worry:
• Repetitive actions such as pacing back and forth, rocking from side to
side, or impersonating a stuck record. One man on death row is reported
to have thought he was a broken gramophone. He was put to death with a
stake through the heart, as per his final request. Although, on
reflection, the authorities figure this request was probably just his
dinner order - steak and chips - but for 3 weeks he’d been unable to get
past the first word.
• Shaking. Easy to spot since as a cover such people often pretend
they’re a washing machine on its final spin. This is a good tactic, but
the downside is if someone shoves soiled socks into your mouth. Many up
and coming politicians have given nerve riddled speeches while
impersonating a cocktail shaker. Queen Elizabeth’s tactic is to wave a
lot. Not only does this hide the shakes, it’s also a far better solution
than her idea of holding a duster and pretending she’s polishing the
Duke.
• Running hands through hair. This is very common. If you have long
locks it’s also the reason to never sit next to a worried looking bald
guy.
Signs of romantic interest:
• Staring. A well-known sign, usually initiated by the line, “Fancy
coming back to my place for a staring contest, followed by sex?” Make
sure you listen out for that end bit, otherwise it can be a tad awkward,
or perhaps a pleasant surprise. It really depends on how much you like
your vicar.
• Flipping of the head or hair. Not without its problems because it’s
very easy to misread – as documented by French writer Albert Camus. His
father suffered much distress after watching a woman be executed with a
guillotine. As her severed head flipped to the floor, Monseir Camus
senior mistook this for flirting and became mortified by the one sided
conversation.
Signs of defensiveness:
• Crossing arms. Researchers looked into this common defensive posture
to assess its effectiveness. The results were most revealing: they
discovered that 9 out of 10 people all lost their teeth while doing so
in a boxing match.
• Closing the mouth tightly and refusing to talk. Care is needed to
avoid misinterpreting this one, because it’s also a sign of an inability
to distinguish a tube of toothpaste from a tube of superglue.
Signs of confidence:
• A good listener. In a study of 20 world leaders, psychologists
discovered that most of them have what biologists call ‘ears’. These
‘ears’ (strictly speaking, ‘Ears’) give them a distinct advantage when
it comes to what is known as being able to ‘listen’. 67% of them
responded favourable when researchers said ‘hello’. This compares to
only 30% of earthworms, which either showed no reaction at all or simply
mumbled, “What’s that? Say again?”
Signs of drug and alcohol use:
• Extremely rapid speech. Don’t confront such a person about this
because they’ll often accuse you of having slow ears. The big problem
being that if true, you might not even realise what they said until 3
days later. This happened to a politician who - several days after the
event - suddenly announced, “But my ears work perfectly fine.” His
timing was most unfortunate, and consequently he is no longer welcome as
a trustee for a leading charity for the deaf.
• Slurred speech. Be careful at pointing the finger as they may simply
have a speech impediment. It’s difficult to tell because speech
therapists often advise their patients to drink heavily as a cover.
Hopefully you have found the above guide helpful. Incidentally, last
month I was sat with my eyes shut, underpants on my head, while
attempting to impersonate a woodpecker. Using your new found knowledge,
try to decide what positive character traits one can draw from such
behaviour. Send your answers to the Senior Partner of Beckett Solicitors
(London office), together with any other reasons as to why you don’t
think I should have been fired.
.
|
