|
|
|
| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
J Without PB
Isn't A-OK
By Burton Cole,
Ohio
Waving a rubber mouse at a charging elephant. Leaping off a barn roof
while flapping feather dusters. Soothing Simon Cowell with a little
ditty. All are hazardous missions.
Or so I suspect. Two of those I’ve never attempted and the other
experiment was cut short when Mom wouldn’t let me take her feather
dusters outside.
None of those compare to the single most dangerous risk a person can
take these days – eating.
It doesn’t matter on what you nibble. Chances are it will burst your
belt, clog your arteries or sicken you with germs and viruses.
The latest perilous product is peanut butter. Federal officials said
last week that about 300 people in 39 states have contracted salmonella
since August in an outbreak linked to certain batches of peanut butter.
I did not take it so personally when spinach was afflicted by e. coli. I
like spinach in salads and on subs, but it’s not a dietary necessity.
The same went for the green onions and lettuce when each had their turns
with outbreaks.
It would not change my lifestyle one bit if beets or asparagus had been
next.
But peanut butter?
Of the two greatest substances known to man, the second is peanut
butter. Chocolate, of course, is first. If it, too, is declared a
dangerous element, there will be no more reason to get out of bed.
Could we even consider ourselves a civilization without buckeyes and
peanut butter cups? I think not.
Without George Washington Carver’s wonderful goo, PBJs would be merely
J’s, losing much in both alphabetic and culinary appeal.
Oh, for the return of those innocent years. Now, even though the jars at
my house aren’t the ones in question, that last peanut butter and honey
sandwich tasted a little funny.
Worse, when our food is not putting us in jeopardy of illness, then it
is exposing to possible arrest.
It’s hard to keep up with what’s bad. First fat was bad. Then there was
good fat. But before we could figure out which was which, carbs became
bad and protein good. Then chopping off all carbs turns out to be bad,
as is a protein overload.
The only thing researchers agree on at the moment is that trans fats are
bad. So bad, in fact, that actual laws are being passed against them. So
far, New York and Philadelphia banned trans fats in restaurants and
bakeries, and Buffalo aims to be next.
If you outlaw trans fats, then only outlaws will have trans fats. Or
something like that. This could be the dawn of a whole new era of
prohibition, smuggling and speakeasies. Backwoods stills will
manufacture homemade brews of hydrogenated vegetable oils, and it will
be up to the descendants of Elliot Ness to seek out illicit broilers and
smash loaded french fries to tater nubs.
There you have it. If you eat anything, you risk either sickness or
jail. I’d give it up altogether except that it’s an old habit that’s
hard to break at this stage of life.
So pass me a couple slices of that whole grain, whole wheat, low-fat,
low-carb, fiber-rich, cholesterol-free bread and a jar of peanut butter.
It's scarier than jumping off a barn roof while flapping feather
dusters, but I feel daring.
http://www.tribune-chronicle.com
.
|
