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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Fat
Bottom Girl
By Kim Sheram,
Georgia
I’m starting a diet and exercise regime, regime being the operative
word. My maniacal trainer, in addition to putting me through a training
session only a masochist would love, has now suggested a fat flush. He
referred to it as a detoxifying nine day cleanse. Nine days!!!! Nine
days in which not only do I have to subject myself to his tyranny, but
drink shakes and vitamin laced water, deprive myself of my beloved
caffeine (which I love like a junkie loves Heroin), and reward myself
with “snacks” that seem suspiciously similar to doggie treats. Just when
I was about to console myself with a glass of wine, I read the no
alcohol restriction. Nine days!!!
Although metabolically challenged, I suffer from an even greater case of
vanityitis. Never have my two unfortunate conditions been in greater
conflict then when I was pregnant. I possessed hunger so extreme that I
might have literally killed for a cheeseburger. My intense hunger
battled my incredible fear of becoming a gelatinous glob much like Jabba
the Hut.
Vanity fought the good fight but, was no match for the ravenous
monster within. The little demon growing inside would channel through me
demanding food now or someone was going to get hurt. Ask my friend
William about my Linda Blair impression during my first pregnancy, to
this day he flinches when I say I’m hungry. I fully expected my baby to
be born a whopping twenty five pounds with horns sprouting from his head
and holding a pitchfork.
I helplessly watched as fat settled in my body distorting my features
like a funhouse mirror. Friends and family watched in horror as I turned
in to Side-show Kim. Someone told me that I must be having a girl
because a girl robs you of your beauty. My brother-in-law without
missing a beat blurted out “You must be having twins”. I have two boys
and only one girl and I was indescribably grotesque during all three
pregnancies.
Near the end of my second pregnancy as my girly gait gave way to
thunderous thuds. I emerged from the shower and my husband turned to me
and said “Kim, you make my rocking world go round.” To this day I can’t
listen to Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girl” and not think of that moment. Before
you dismiss my husband as an insensitive cad, of course he was and can
be, give him a break; it was really funny. If I didn’t laugh at my rotund
self I would’ve cried for nine months and the year after that it took me
to lose the weight.
After the little demons were born, my vanity went in to overdrive and
kicked hunger’s booty. When your metabolism is non-existent, extreme
dieting and exercise are a necessity. I survived Slimfast diets and the
Weight Watcher point system for months at a time. Bring on the nine day
fat flush I can take it. Piece of cake. Hey—that’s not a bad idea, I can
get a piece in before I start.
http://www.aftertheball.typepad.com
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