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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Lids
By Natalie Olsen,
Washington
When Adrien Arpel's book How To Look Ten Years Younger came out in the
1980s, my teenage son rolled his eyes and asked, "Who the heck wants to
look five years old?"
My mother, nearly eighty at the time, said that even if she did look ten
years younger, she'd still look old.
Since I’d just turned forty-two, I was fascinated with the book. Growing
up, I hated always being the youngest-looking. I had to show my driver’s
license until my thirties.
At forty-five, though, I sat at a make-up counter for the first time and
asked the beauty consultant (that’s what her badge said) for make-up
advice for my eyes, because my eyebrows and lashes were so pale. She
sighed and told me she honestly didn't know of any way to camouflage "crepey,
droopy lids." She paused, then added, “Except surgically.” I was
horrified.
Out in the car I looked in my mirror and realized I did have droopy
lids. Hooded, reptile-like lids, in fact. Lids like my father’s. Lids
that would soon block my vision if they continued to descend. I finally
looked my age.
A few weeks later I tried another of those free makeovers offered at a
department store cosmetic counter. This woman was in her early twenties
and called herself an aesthetician. She looked like a hooker. I left
there covered with makeup, which took me hours to scrub off, plus a list
of her recommended products, which would have cost more than $300.
Several other makeover experts gave me contradictory advice. “Never put
anything shiny on your eyelids.” “Avoid matte eye shadow.” “Don’t ever
use blue eye shadow.” “With your eyes, you should use blue.” “You need
some false eyelashes.” All of them, of course, recommended expensive
creams and ointments vital to my beauty.
I gave up on the makeovers.
After cataract surgery a couple years ago, my doctor suggested that if
my lids droop much lower I should consider Blepharoplasty (eyelid
surgery). “In order to see better,” he said. “In a few years you’ll be
eligible for Medicare; they might even cover it.”
Soon after that my husband and I went skiing for the first time that
season. The sign at the lift ticket window said, “Seniors (65 and over)
-- $33.” I was sixty-three. I said I wanted a senior ticket, which was
true – I didn’t want to pay the regular $47. I felt bad about lying, but
what really hurt was that the guy didn’t ask me for proof.
The next time I walked through a department store I decided to give
make-up one more try. Most of the saleswomen seemed too heavily made up,
so I approached a thirty-something man at a French cosmetic counter.
“Do you have any suggestions for camouflaging my droopy eyelids?” I
asked, not expecting much help from him.
He looked at me for a long time and then said in his wonderful accent,
“No one will notice anything about your eyes except the beautiful blue.”
No big sales pitch. No exotic products recommended.
I look ten years younger since I started using that French moisturizer,
eye cream, throat balm and Cabernet blush.
http://www.natalieolsen.com
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