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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Confessions Of A House-Sitter Who Won't Be Returning
By
Burton Cole,
Ohio
Dear Daryl and
Marilyn:
I would like to thank you for trusting me enough to house-sit for you
while you were away. I would like to, but the attorneys advised me to
say nothing until we're certain no more lawsuits will be filed.
Outside of a couple minor annoyances -- really, don't you think your
neighbors are a little high-strung? -- things went very well.
I only forgot the house key once. That pane of glass shouldn't cost
much. It is a pity about those three straight days of rain, though.
Marilyn, I compliment you on the absorbency of your bathroom towels, but
don't you think you should keep a few more on hand? One never knows when
emergencies will arise.
Moving into your place cut 20 minutes off my drive to work, which I
appreciated. Also, you had clean dishes in your cupboards, and I earned
a reprieve from washing mine.
Speaking of which, that dishwasher of yours is pretty slick. I wish I
had one. Those little jet spray nozzles really blasted the mud right out
of the tread of my running shoes. The ol' tennies haven't been this
clean since they were new.
I love the size of your dining room table. It was great for spreading
out the engine parts I was cleaning. It's so much warmer to work inside
this time of year, don't you think?
I wish I could have wiped up more of the grease, but you'll understand
that considering the shortage of bath towels, there wasn't much I could
do.
The party you hosted was off the charts! I probably should have told you
about it. When the police arrived, I figured it would expedite matters
if I gave your name instead of mine. It is your place, after all.
They tell me it's very likely that charges can be expunged in five
years. Seven at most.
If those Nervous Nellie neighbors of yours begin asking questions about
a hot air balloon, a komodo dragon and a box of rubber bands, it would
be best for your ulcers to change the subject. In retrospect, that
experiment looked better on paper.
Oh, if the guy from across the way stops by, negotiate. Sure, they were
pretty, but I really don't think a bunch of bushes could cost as much as
he claims, especially ones so fragile.
I suppose I do owe you some small explanation about the crater that
gapes where your house used to stand. Sadly, I'm running out of space,
but I did file a detailed report with your insurance company, which will
get back to you after doing a little more research with the Ripley's
Believe or Not museum. Apparently this sort of thing doesn't happen
often. The good news is you're up for some kind of award for the Year's
Most Extraordinary Claim.
In the meantime, I pitched my very own tent in your backyard. It's the
least I could do for you after all the kindness you've shown me.
I hope you'll call me next time you need a house-sitter. Do try to have
the heat and water reconnected first. And more bath towels would be
nice, don't you agree?
With gratitude,
The House-Sitter
http://www.tribune-chronicle.com
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