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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
The
Little Things Drive Me Crazy!
By Victoria Milillo,
Pennsylvania
I
reached into the candy dish for a piece of chocolate. Instead, I grabbed
a handful of wrappers.
Once again, my husband
ate some candy, and threw
the wrappers back into the bowl. I told him countless times that the
candy dish is not a garbage can -- you don't throw the wrappers back into
the dish. Does this register in his brain? NO! He seems to think this
practice is perfectly acceptable. I, on the other hand, find this to be
one of the little things that drive me crazy!
Suddenly, the past fourteen years flashed before my eyes. My mind was
flooded with the "little things" he does that drive me crazy.
I decided to make a list. The problem is, just when I think I'm
finished, something else comes to mind. Don't get me wrong, I love my
husband dearly, but there are times when I'm convinced he is purposely
trying to drive me crazy. It is almost like a case of marital Chinese
Water Torture. Little by little, one drop at a time, I'm being driven
insane!
Anyway, as of this moment in time, this is what I came up with:
1. Doesn't replace the bag in the garbage can after taking out the
trash. I tell him this is all one job. You empty the garbage; you put a
new bag in the can. He tells me his job is to take out the trash -- only!
It is up to someone else (me) to replace the bag! Replacing the bag is a
separate job.
2. Doesn't close his dresser drawers all the way. Now how hard is this
one? You take something out, you push the drawer CLOSED. Don't leave
clothes poking out of the top of the drawer. No one cares to see what
brand of underwear or socks you wear!
3. Empties the ice cube trays, but doesn't refill them. Again, how hard
is this?
4. Uses the last of the toilet paper, but doesn't put a new roll on the
holder. I made this one as simple as possible by getting one of those
three roll cannisters that stands by the toilet. Still, I am the only
one to put a new roll on the holder. This carries over to paper towels,
too.
5. Dips the knife that he just used for peanut butter, into the jelly
jar. This one gets me! I end up with chunks of peanut butter in the
jelly and jelly in the peanut butter. "Why can't you use two knives
when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" I ask. "Why dirty two
utensils?" he answers. What does it matter to him? He'll just throw
them in the sink -- without rinsing them I might add - for me to wash
later!
6. Never, I mean NEVER, hangs up the bath mat after taking a shower. I
walk into the bathroom and my socks get soaked from the wet bath mat.
7. Takes half a banana, and leaves the other half on the counter with
the peel pulled up to make it look like a full banana. Unsuspecting, I
come along and pick up, what I think is, a full banana. The peel falls
away revealing a now brown, slimy banana half. By the way, more times
than not, it is the last banana in the house.
8. I return from the grocery store and he says, "You know what you
forgot?", or "You know what else you should've bought?" Before going
to the store I always check with him to see if there is anything he
needs or wants. He never has anything to add to the list. If he thought
of something after I left, I'm a phone call away since I carry my cell
phone with me. Why doesn't he think of these things when I'm AT the
store?
9. Pronounces words incorrectly -- on purpose -- and thinks it's funny. He
pronounces "innuendo" like "in-da-window." Okay -- I admit this is
funny, but only the first hundred times he said it!
And, finally, the one that really, I mean REALLY, drives me crazy:
10. Takes a bite out of the last slice of pizza, then wraps it neatly,
and puts it in the refrigerator! Imagine my surprise, when I unwrap it
and find a huge bite taken out of it! I can't tell you the number of
times I fell for this one!
I could go on and on. I didn't mention the stupid phrases he makes up
and tries to pass off as rhymes -- or funny. For example, as I type these
words, he says, "I need the keys, Donna Reed." It doesn't rhyme! Or
when he uses the phrase, "I rectum" instead of "I reckon." Or how
about using his name in songs like the theme from the TV show
"Cheers": "Making his way through the world today, takes everythng
MIC'S got. Taking a break from all MIC'S worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't MIC like to get away..."
I better end this now, or I will never be finished. Besides, I hear him
singing the theme song to "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" while reaching
into the candy dish! "Love is all around why don't MIC take it? MIC'S gon-na make it after all..."
Just reading through this makes me run
for my medication!
http://writing.com/authors/vlm0325
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