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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
Why Does
WATER Need A Childproof Cap?
By Kathleen M. Wooton,
New Jersey
Water is a
no-sodium, carb-free, fat-free, non-caloric, nontoxic beverage -- so why
does it need a childproof cap?
I just
purchased a 25 oz. bottle of “Pure Spring Water” at a hotel gift shop.
While spending what seemed like an eternity trying to open the darned
bottle, I had a chance to make a few observations about my purchase,
observations I feel compelled to share. If it spares just one person the
desperation I experienced while wrestling with the tamperproof
packaging, my humiliation will not have been in vain.
First off, can someone please tell me why there is nutritional
information on a bottle of water? I mean, isn’t water the original
no-cal beverage? Hey, water bottlers of the world, can’t you all just
print, in bold letters, “Water is a non-caloric beverage, the only
ingredient is water”, and spare us the parade of zeros on the
“Nutritional Information” disclosure?
Personally, as long as its not
contaminated by toxic waste, contagion, or radiation, I don’t give a
darn whether it was plumbed from a glacial Icelandic fjord, delivered by
horse-drawn carriages, all to ultimately grace my lead-crystal water
goblet, or if it came straight from the municipal water tap to my
disposable paper cup; it’s all the same drink with the same chemical
structure and flavor. The nutritional label will do little to clarify
the superiority of one water brand vs. another -- all the ingredients, all
one of them, are the same.
Okay, next question, and this is a tough one. Why on earth must I go
through two layers of security to get to the actual water? The
tamper-proof shrink wrap, well, that I understand -- it’s reassuring to
know that once bottled, my beverage is safe from those who would use
water as a weapon of my destruction.
It’s that second layer of security,
the childproof safety cap, that I don’t understand. Water is, hands
down, the safest consumable substance known to man. Why would anyone
need to be protected from it? The only hazard I can see is possible
drowning, but it’s only twenty-five little ounces -- not even a child
needs to be protected from such an insignificant body of water.
C’mon,
could we lose the childproof safety cap, so that the kiddies can have a
drink and arthritic patients everywhere can have access to the water
they need to take their meds? There is nothing so pitiful as watching a
grown women bawling like a baby while wrestling with a water bottle, all
so she can take the meds she now needs from the trauma of trying to open
the blasted thing.
The next question is a delicate one, delicate enough that I almost
hesitate to ask it. Why are the caps ribbed? The only other product I
know of, that is so prominently ribbed, advertises said ribbing as a
feature “for her pleasure.” Take my advice, water bottlers of
the world -- keep the ribs off the bottle cap and in the BBQ pit. As for
the other ribbed products -- that’s what all-night convenience stores are
for. Think of the children.
Okay, this is my last observation, I promise. It, too, is in the form of
a question. Why does my water bottle have a sippy spout? Heck, why does
ANY water bottle need one? Let me be really clear on this one. I gave up
using bottles and sippy cups when I was a toddler, graduating to “the
big girl cup.” My parents were so proud -- I’m pretty sure they clapped
and praised me on how “grown up” I had become.
So, why would I want to
backslide on that crucial developmental milestone, just for the
convenience of not having to remove the bottle cap to take a sip of the
H two OH? Nope, I just can’t do it. And I can’t help but receive a
mental image of a fully grown woman sucking on a baby bottle whenever I
see someone sucking the life’s blood out of the sippy-spout water
delivery system. Thumb sucking and adult nappies can’t be too far behind
once one chooses to go down this road.
In summary, now that I’ve: learned that water has no nutritional value,
developed carpal tunnel syndrome from breaking into the childproof
packaging, developed friction burns from the ribbed cap and sworn off
consuming my non-caloric beverage via the convenient nipple substitute,
I’m going to get off this rant-cycle and get ready for the function I
will be attending tonight.
And as I don’t partake of adult liquid refreshment, tonight I will be
ordering a pitcher of iced tea with my dinner. I won’t humiliate myself
in front of my colleagues by wrestling with a water bottle during
dinner. Especially since it is an absolute certainty that the water
bottle would win.
http://www.savvy-women-magazine.com/Humor/humor-column.html
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