|
|
|
| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
All In A
Name
By Cathy Hall,
Georgia
Is
there something in the water that celebrities drink right before they
give birth? Something capable of completely knocking out the part of the
brain labeled “Normal Names To Give a Child”? Or maybe there’s some
secret baby book, like “Weird Names R Us” that’s stuffed in the designer
diaper bag handed out at the first prenatal checkup for Hollywood
moms-to-be. How else can you explain why anyone would name a child
Shiloh Nouvel (Angelina Jolie’s offspring) or Zolten (Penn Jillete’s
kid)?
Of course, there does seem to be a correlation between kooky names of
kids and unusual parent names. Take Demi Moore. I’m pretty sure that the
only Demi I know is the actress; not that I know her, but you know what
I mean. I’m equally sure that there aren’t a lot of Tallulah Belles, as
Demi calls her daughter, running around in your typical suburban
neighborhood. Likewise for Madonna, who saddled her daughter with that
popular city name, Lourdes. Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from
the tree.
Speaking of apples, what about Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid, Apple? After all,
even if mom does have an outrageously theatrical name, it is, at least,
a name. But Apple? That’s a fruit, not a girl. Or is Apple a boy? Only
the pediatrician knows for sure.
Which leads me to the next little problem here with the naming
shenanigans. Everyone knows that a name can make all the difference in
the world in your child’s future. Did we learn nothing from Johnny
Cash’s stirring song, “A Boy Named Sue”? Name a boy Mark or Bill and
you’ve got yourself the president of a company, a la Mr. Bill Gates, or
maybe even a major league ball player like that slugger, Mark McGwire.
Name that same kid Seven Sirius as Erykah Badu did and you might as well
sign him up for dance lessons. Not that there’s anything wrong with
that.
Girls, on the other hand, appear to fare better with the bizarre.
Everyone cheered extra loudly at my daughter’s high school graduation
when her classmate, Chinesegirl Thumbelina, accepted her diploma. Now
there’s a girl with a name! Everyone loves Chinesegirl, who, by the way,
is neither Chinese nor tiny. And as far as I know, Chinesegirl is the
name she answers to every single day. No nicknames for her, no sir.
But that’s a girl for you, smiling and waving ‘cause everyone knows her
name. So Helen Hunt’s daughter, Makena’lei, will probably bask in the
attention her unusual name brings. Come to think of it, Helen probably
knew what she was doing. Helen isn’t exactly the most exciting name in
the baby book.
I could say the same for Hazel. Even if you’re not thinking of a
middle-aged maid saying, “I’ll get that right away, Mr. Baxter,” I’ll
bet you’re getting that ho-hum vibe. Of all the weird and fantastic
names available to the stars, Julia Robert’s daughter had to get stuck
with a plain old moniker like Hazel. Not so her little brother,
Phinnaeus.
Poor Phinnaeus. You better crawl on over to the gym, kiddo. It’s never
too early to start working on those biceps.
.
|
