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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
The Big
Flap Over Same-Sex Marriage
By Frank Mucci,
Illinois
I am
relieved to read where so many of our elected officials are committed to
preserving the sanctity of marriage and insuring that this sacred bond
be experienced only by those of us who understand that flap A goes into
slot B.
As a bona fide heterosexual who inserts flap A into slot B anytime my
wife lets me, I realize that there is something special about a
relationship between two people who have absolutely no idea what the
other one is thinking.
Husband: I wonder what she meant by, “Of course you can go play cards
with your idiot buddies while I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs?” I
guess that means she’s OK with it, right?
Wife: When I tell him I love him and he says, “Me too” without taking
his eyes off the TV, that means he is just shy and uncomfortable with
showing his feelings. He really does love me, right?
Husband: All I said was that I don’t get the whole Oprah thing. Jeez,
you’d think I’d just told her I was seeing another broad or something.
Wife: It’s like he doesn’t understand how important Oprah is to me, but
I’m supposed to understand his ridiculous obsession with fantasy
football.
Husband: So when are we eating?
Wife: We’ll eat when it’s ready. I work too, you lazy bastard!
Ah yes folks, there is nothing more beautiful and sacred than the
relationship between a man and a woman.
In fact I was just talking about the sanctity of marriage—and how
important it is to keep it a “heteros only” thing—with my good friends
Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. I consider both Newt and Rush to be
“experts” on the subject of maintaining a strong relationship
considering the two have a combined collection of six marriages between
them.
Here is just a small portion of our little chat:
Me: So what are the little things you do to keep the magic going in your
marriage?
Newt: I like to surprise the little woman. I have always found things as
simple as flowers or candy can make all the difference. In fact my wife
absolutely loves when I bring her flowers. Oh wait, that was wife number
two…my current wife likes candy. Number one was into expensive
jewelry—that’s why I dumped her a long time ago. Anyway, the real key
here is that I am a man and she is a woman. That’s what marriage is all
about..
Rush: My wife is into the kinkier stuff—whipped cream and junk like
that. Oh wait, that was Newt’s first wife…my wife likes furs and
massages. No, no…sorry…that was my second wife. My current wife digs
when I’m out of town for long periods of time. But I agree with Newt…I
have a flap and she doesn’t—it’s that simple!
As you can see, the responsibility that comes with maintaining a strong
marriage is far too taxing to be left to such frivolous individuals as
those who don’t know that flap A goes into slot B.
A big part of marital responsibility has to do with maintaining mystery
within the marriage. And the classic heterosexual marriage is filled
with mystery.
Mystery—the kind that makes you wonder why in the hell any woman would
marry a man like Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh.
http://www.muccicreations.com/
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