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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
Pet
Peeves
By E. Mitchell,
Illinois
We all
have pet peeves but I have a pet, pet peeve: people who give pretentious
names to their animals. They should be horsewhipped, preferably with a
whip from a horse named Old Plug rather than one named Pliny the Elder.
Take my advice: If your dog is brown, name it Brownie. If your cat
smells, name it Stinky. If your fish is gold, Goldie will do just fine.
Latte, Chanel and Vermillion are unwelcome alternatives.
I had a Chihuahua named Hammy. Everyone assumed because I was an English
prof it was short for Hamlet. It was short for Hamster because the dog
weighed three pounds. One of my colleagues named his cat Isis. Luckily
the cat was none the wiser. The same can be said for my colleague.
My brother named his cat Sirius for the feline shaped constellation of
the same name. Everyone thought the name was Serious, which would have
been bad enough, but at least less pompous than Sirius. More idiotic but
less repugnant. I couldn’t call the cat’s name without gagging.
Curiously, I feel the same way about my brother.
After the cat died my brother got a dog and named it Ursa for the bear
constellation. I’m talking about a big, dumb (the dog not my brother)
black lab who eats furniture. Bear or Porky would have been appropriate
names. As it is I can scarcely look the beast in the eyes (my brother as
well as the dog) without laughing when I call his name. I think the dog
feels the same way, about my brother.
Recently a string of stray kittens were spotted on my brother’s
property; I am hoping to round them up for fear he might name them
Orion’s Belt. Now all he needs is a beer-soaked goldfish he can call the
Big Dipper.
Of course celebrities, not to be outdone by mere commoners (like my
brother) have taken the name game a step further to inflict idiotic
pretentiousness not only on their pets but also their unsuspecting
offspring. Ironically, the poor children would be better off with animal
names than the monikers chosen by their flashbulb-dazed parents.
If you were a boy wouldn’t you rather be called Spike than Prince
Michael Jackson? Under the circumstances even Fido or Rover might be
preferable.
Of course a few stars seem to have actually chosen pet names for their
children. Apple and Blanket sound more appropriate for a litter of
pocket poodles than human children.
Geographical names are popular too. Paris and Ireland are current
celebrity choices. Turkey seems unlikely but you never know with the
Hollywood braintrust.
Satchel defies categorization. Why not just name your kid, handbag.
The frosting on the cake of the pretentiousness phenomenon is adorning
your pet and/or child with ostentatious apparel. For anyone other than
heir to throne of Monaco, diamond encrusted accessories fall into the
category of wretched excess. The only kind of jewelry a dog or infant
really wants is the kind that has mistakenly fallen into the cake
batter. And pets and children show a fiendish preference for wearing
shiny objects on the inside of their bodies rather than the outside so
unless you have a trusted manservant waiting on call for the
unceremonious return of the bling, run for your life.
And save the fancy headgear for Little Lord Fauntleroy. Children and
pets photograph best with a simple pair of underpants humorously placed
atop their noggins.
The last bit of advice goes for adults too, but only after several
martinis. Children and pets should not be served martinis even if you’ve
named them Boozehound. In Hollywood of course, that applies to kids as
well as pets.
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