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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
Technology Makes Death More Agreeable... Sort Of
By Kirt Boyd,
Colorado
Early this morning Mary Folly lost control of her H2 Hummer when the
block of wood she was using to reach the gas pedal slipped and she
toppled out of her booster chair. The Hummer broke through the guardrail
and was airborne. A creek, some two thousand feet below her was where
she was headed. All conversations have been verified by the parties
involved.
911 OPERATOR: State your emergency.
MARY: I'm about to have an accident.
OPERATOR: State your location.
MARY: Somewhere above Trenton Creek.
OPERATOR: Above?
MARY: Yes.
OPERATOR: Have you been drinking?
MARY: No, of course not, listen—
OPERATOR: (peevishly) State your location.
MARY: I told you, Trenton Creek—
OPERATOR: Were you swimming at the time of the accident?
MARY: There hasn't been an accident yet—
OPERATOR: Is there anyone else injured?
MARY: What? No, it's just me—
OPERATOR: Do you know CPR?
MARY: Listen, do you have a helicopter, or an air mattress, or
something?
OPERATOR: Don't panic. Keep your head above the water and, for God's
sake, stay calm.
The phone goes dead.
REVEREND PALMER:
How can I serve you?
MARY: Reverend, it's Mary. I don't have a lot of time—
REVEREND: Mary, my tulip—
MARY: The other Mary—
REVEREND: Mary, my child—
MARY: I have a confession—nevermind. Could you just say it?
REVEREND: Say what?
MARY: You know, ""I forgive—
REVEREND: Yes, of course. I forgive you.
MARY: Thanks.
REVEREND: Don't mention—
The phone goes dead.
WOMAN: Music on
Demand, how can I help—
MARY: What's the name of that song they always play at funerals?
WOMAN: Excuse me?
MARY: Something about flying hawks or owls . . . (she begins to hum)
WOMAN: Wind Beneath My—
MARY: Thanks, I'll take it.
WOMAN: Don't hang up, I need to—
The phone goes dead
RICHARD:
(yelling) What do you want?
MARY: Richard, it's Mary. The Midford Report isn't going to get done,
I'm—
RICHARD: What? That report had better be on my desk tomorrow morning or
it's your—
MARY: I've had a horrible accident, I—
RICHARD: Yes, well, by noon then, and turn that horrid song off, I'm not
dead yet—
The phone goes dead.
LISA (RICHARD'S
WIFE): Yes, hello?
MARY: You don't know me, but you might want to pop in down at the office
around six-thirty, that's when your husband likes to dress up like Annie
and prance around the—
LISA: I know! Isn't he a riot?
The phone goes dead.
GOD: God
here—hold on, dang it, JJ, I told you I'd think about it, now quit
pulling daddy's hair . . . Sorry, can I help you?
MARY: I don't have a lot of time.
GOD: So I see. What's that in the background?
MARY: Wind Beneath My—
GOD: Shh, I can't hear. (sniffles) What melody and passion! And the
birds and wind! Oh, sorry, that one gets me every time, even when I'm in
my happy place—
MARY: Please, is there anything you can do?
GOD: You know that song reminds me of something that happened to Gabriel
years ago—
MARY: I really don't have much time.
GOD: Right, sorry. I go off like that sometimes. I'm not sure what it
is, but I just can't seem to, I don't know, focus, or something—
MARY: Please, I don't mean to be rude—
GOD: Yes, of course. Well . . . lets see here . . . I could . . . make
it snow, would that help? . . . No, you're right, probably not. Can you
hang on a minute, JJ is—oh, sorry. Um, there is one thing—oh, of course.
Now, all you have to do is say three (loud crackling noise) twirl
(crackle) around (crackle) and (crackle) your—.
MARY: Hello—are you there? Did you say twirl?
GOD: I said . . . hold on (loud cracking sound, as if the phone has been
dropped or banged against something)can you here me?
MARY: Hello—are you there?
GOD: You're breaking up—oh, crud, my battery—dying, can y—
MARY: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Are you—(operator: Your call was
lost)
Well . . . (long
sigh) that's that, I guess. Might as well see what's on. (Today we'll be
talking to mothers of two-headed—Paris Hilton was seen throwing rocks
at—when we come back, pregnancy tests revealed—a tornado warning has
been issued for—Johnny, don't go, you complete me entirely!)
Well, (sigh)
maybe it won't be that bad...
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