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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Case
Closed
By Ralph Gordon,
Mississippi
"All Rise”,
commanded Constable W.L. "Country" Williams. Chatter immediately turned
to silence as the overall clad constable announced, “Justice Court for
Newton County Mississippi is now in session, Honorable Tom Bates
presiding.”
Upon making his grand entry, the judge took his usual seat at the
checkerboard table in Lee Herrington’s Grocery in downtown Little Rock.
Judge Bates ceremoniously removed the checkers from the improvised
judge’s bench and placed them in a cigar box provided by Mr. Lee. Before
commencing with court business, the judge declared there would be no
smoking, spitting or cussing in the courtroom. He then asked the local
preacher to open the honorable court with prayer. The judge also ordered
that the only firearms allowed in the courtroom would be those of the
law enforcement offices.
After receiving the usual guilty pleas for minor traffic offenses,
public drunkenness and one dog theft, Judge Bates called up the case
against a local lady affectionately known as Miss Chicken, charged with
making moon-shine whiskey. “How do you plead, Miss Chicken?” The judge
inquired.
“Not guilty your honor”, was her reply, at which time her attorney asked
for a trial by jury. Six men....reluctant men, were chosen from the
courtroom and near by feed mill and the trial immediately began.
Eager to present his airtight case against the alleged bootlegging lady,
a feisty young county attorney sprang to his feet. Following his
eloquent opening statement to the jury, the well dressed the prosecutor
called his witnesses, the Newton County Sheriff and then a State Alcohol
Control Agent. Both witnesses being well prepared testified flawlessly
leaving nothing for the well-seasoned defense attorney to exploit. At
the proper moment the prosecutor presented his evidence that would
surely put Miss Chicken out of business for good, a half pint fruit jar
of the alleged moonshine, better known as Mississippi Stump Water.
Resting his case the young confident county attorney yielded the floor
to the defense attorney. As the prosecutor watched in blissful
confidence the sly and experienced defense attorney removed the lid form
the state’s airtight case. Each of the six jittery jurors, non of whom
were very exited about the prospect of putting Miss Chicken out of
business, were allowed to allowed to get a whiff of the foul smelling
liquid. The sheriff and prosecutor both were certain this charade would
backfire, and seal the fate of Miss Chicken, once and for all. After
passing the jar to the judge for his nasal inspection, the judge handed
the jar to the defendant, and asked her if this was her shine. To the
amazement of the entire crowd, Miss Chicken turned the jar up and
consumed it’s entire contents....dregs and all. After a loud burp the
moon-shining lady looked at each juror and proclaimed “This ain’t my
shine, I ain’t never made nothing that tasted this bad and everyone of
y’all know it”.
Eyes rolled with anxious anticipation in suddenly silent courtroom, but
nobody disputed Miss Chicken’s claim.
Again the young prosecutor sprang to his feet, this time in protest but
the judge was quick to point out that in his earlier ruling on courtroom
etiquette that he had made no mention against drinking in the courtroom.
After restoring order, the judge made a brief inspection of the empty
fruit jar, screwed the lid back on securely and declared, much the
delight of the jurors, “ case dismissed for lack of evidence.”
Case closed airtight!
The young prosecutor, humiliated but not defeated, gathered his
briefcase and papers and returned to his office in Decatur, Mississippi.
That young man’s name was Rex Gordon, Sr. Rex later built one
Mississippi’s most successful and respected law practices. He was also
elected as Chancery Judge for Jackson County, Mississippi and was mentor
to many young attorneys, one of which later was elected to the United
States Senate. Rex’ kind heart was reflected in his life as well as his
memoirs, which is where I got the information for this story. I consider
it a great privilege that his widow to thinks enough of me to allow me
to read his memoirs and write his story.
www.mississippiwritersguild.com/viceprespage
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