|
|
|
| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
The
Little Things
By Kirt Boyd,
Colorado
If you happened
to be in Sam's Club in Loveland, CO a week or two back and were startled
to hear the opening bars of the Van Halen song, Jump, being played on
one of the key boards at top volume, you have me to thank for bringing a
little music into your shopping day. I didn't do it to show off my
skills, which are limited to chopsticks and the first bar of this
particular song, but to embarrass my wife. She was horrified, of course,
especially when I started to sing.
My wife, make no mistake, is an extraordinarily beautiful, charming,
funny woman, god love her, but she is a bit prickly about certain
things. She has, at last count, not including the above scene, five
specific pet peeves, most of which I find silly and strange, probably
because I am guilty of perpetrating one or all of them on a daily basis.
There are more, of course, but these are the most serious.
1) Sneezing: Sneezing is disgusting and should only be done when
absolutely necessary. Sneezing for the sake of sneezing will not be
tolerated. Anyone caught looking at the sun, or using other
sneeze-inducing techniques, will be severely repremanded. If all
sneeze-preventing efforts fail and the sneeze is unavoidable, you must,
even at the risk of permanent injury or death, hold it in. After one of
these internal explosions, I tell her that my heart has stopped, thank
you very much, to which she replies, smiling, "Yes, I know."
2) The talking yawn: This is one of my personal favorites. I am an
admitted talking yawner. It gives me great pleasure to see if she can
figure out what I'm saying through my strange, alien-like speech. My two
dogs also seem to enjoy it. This one usually throws her into such a fit
of rage that it is best done behind a heavily bolted door.
3) "What?": I think the source of the hostility is when I say,
"What?" when she knows I've heard her. There is a possibility that I
do this on purpose; perhaps that's why she has taken to throwing things
at me.
4) Gulping: Unlike sneezing, which she realizes is unavoidable at times,
gulping is entirely preventable and will not be permitted under any
circumstances, even if the stomach is twisting itself into knots in
search of water. Drinking should be done in sips of two or three, but no
more; anything beyond that is considered indecent. Furthermore, one
should allow several minutes to elapse between sip-sets.
5) Hiccuping: This one ranks right up there with torturing small
animals. Faced with hiccuping she is often silent for a moment, which is
disconcerting, then she lets loose a barrage of remedies, "Hold your
breath, for god's sake, drink something, stare at the sun, hang upside
down, throw yourself in front of traffic if you have to." If this
doesn't work she will usuall remover herself from the situation, lest
there be any sharp objects within reach.
The irony, of course, is that when ever she sneezes, gulps, or
hiccups—and she does, no matter what she says—, she thinks it's the
funniest thing since whoopee-cushions. Which brings me to my last point:
Passing gas, oddly enough, is not frowned upon, and is often encouraged
if she's in a certain frame of mind.
I am not picking on my wife. Make no mistake, I love her dearly, but I'm
just not as sensitive as she is. Things bother me, of course, but they
are perfectly normal things: baby talk; kissing noises; cats drinking,
bathing themselves, or eating; certain kinds of fabric; whispering;
drool; expiration dates . . .
.
|
