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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Back To
School Because I Said So, That's Why
By Bob Holt,
New Jersey
Hard as it is to believe, we've reached that time of year again where
parents take their children to the mall for back-to-school shopping. It
may not be that hard to believe for some of you, who were ready to send
them back to school on approximately June 28, when you realized that
your home had acquired a clinging ivy plant which had grown out of
control and attached itself permanently to the bed or the TV remote.
It seems like only yesterday when Junior was saying all of those cute
little things that kids say when he was first learning to talk. As he
grows older and continues to develop into a mature adult, he has
expanded his vocabulary and now uses such adorable sayings as "All the
other kids are buying new Mac computers! You never let me do anything!"
This of course, is one of the drawbacks about getting your child ready
to return to school: there will be other children there. Which means
they are likely to speak to your child, and remind him that you are
totally unfair about everything, and are an incredible dweeb. The
divulging of this information is part of an ongoing conspiracy among
school children which has yet to see a Congressional investigation.
These children are the influences who instill in your child that all
parents are evil, and that your child needs to do something to irritate
you, like dying his hair pink.
Of course, there is no need to be upset about this, because your child
is merely making an innocent statement to assert his or her
individuality. So if this event ever takes place without your knowledge,
you'll need to have a frank discussion with your child right after you
are released from the Intensive Care Unit.
But be very careful. If you begin this little chat with the phrase
"When I was your age," chances are he will immediately run away and
join a band of gypsies. When talking to a child about peer influences,
you will always want to avoid the explanation which would be most
logical for him, to actually tell him all of the foreign substances you
tried in the 1970s, and look how you turned out.
And whatever you do, be sure to hide your high school yearbook pictures.
In spite of all that, you will take Junior to the mall anyway. That's
unless he had been hanging out there already. If he was doing anything
besides hanging, he could have told you that the mall offers their best
back-to-school sales around June 30 to July 1, and he'll be needing a
new backpack, which costs approximately $437.
That's because backpacks have to be made stronger nowadays due to all of
the homework children are being assigned. Your son or daughter will need
to be part of the "jock" clique this year in order to lift it.
The course books he will carry in them, which include the new history
books that have now been updated to cover stories as recent as the Nixon
resignation, weigh over 1,137 pounds and cost about the same number
collectively.
After all of the books are bought, the stylish student wants a new
back-to-school outfit. The world of fashion offers many alternatives for
the student who wishes to impress his peers and outrage his parents.
Old 1970s ponchos are available for the girl who wants to pull together
a "vintage" or "retro" look. Granted, when her mom wore hers, the
daughter called it something else altogether ("dorky").
For the boys, a new pair of jeans is always a good bet. You can now buy
them stone washed or pre-rumpled, and they are available in loose fit,
relaxed fit, deeply conflicted fit, regular straight leg, low riders,
and severely angst ridden. Waist measurements come in varying sizes,
while jean lengths start at 50 inches and go to 75 inches, and they
contain a minimum of 137 pockets.
And now that your child is adequately prepared for school, you might
want to have another friendly talk with him about any problems he might
face there and what you expect from him at home. These discussions
generally wind up like this:
YOU: "You'll do what I say as long as you're living under my roof!"
CHILD: "Bobby Jones got to have his tongue pierced, why can't I?"
YOU: If Bobby Jones decided to jump off his roof, would you do that
too?"
But you don't really say that to him because nowadays you realize
there's a good chance he just might do that. Then you remember that
someday he'll have kids his own age, and then your payback will be
complete. Have a great school year.
http://www.bobholtonline.com
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