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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
For Best
Results, Read This Aloud
By Wendy Sang Kelly,
South Carolina
So, who are all
the brainiacs who decided to get rid of Pluto? Frankly, I think they’re
making a big mistake. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s the only planet
named after a Disney character, which is cool. And let’s not forget that
Pluto was by far our cutest planet. Just like a perfect little gumball
way out there orbiting around in its silly little cock-eyed way. And
Lord knows, the scientists could use all the cute they can get.
Not to mention the fact that there are other planets we really should
get rid of. Like... oh, I don’t know... Uranus? Honestly, what’s the point
of Uranus? You can’t even have an intelligent conversation about Uranus.
If you don’t believe me, say the following out loud: Uranus is extremely
large. Uranus spins on its side. Uranus is frigid. There is absolutely
no intelligent life on Uranus. And, my personal favorite: Brown rings
have been discovered around Uranus.
Remember a few years back when Dan Rather had to report the discovery of
those rings on the evening news? Out of
embarrassment -- self-preservation -- he opted to pronounce it UR-uh-nus
(instead of the customary your-anus). And thus began his descent down
the slippery slope of shoddy journalism. After all, once you start
altering word pronunciations to suit your ego, it’s a pretty short leap
to fabricating a letter about the president’s stint in the National
Guard, right?
Of course, I admit to having somewhat of an ax to grind with Uranus. I
recently found out that, astrologically-speaking, Uranus is my ruling
planet. Nice. That’s pretty much like saying a giant celestial ass calls
all the shots for me. (Which is exactly why I stopped going to church in
the first place, come to think of it.) And my planetary ruler isn’t just
any ass. It’s your ass.
Maybe getting rid of Uranus is too harsh. After all, Uranus is way too
big to ignore (so I’ve heard). Maybe we could just give it a new name.
Something less anatomically descriptive. Something cuter.
Like, say... Pluto.
http://wendysangkelly.homestead.com
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